The flame is flickering out...

[SirPrizeMe]

Thanks for the support Nutty.
Ok, maybe you're pushing my envelope, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Let's take her "my way or the highway" statement.

I agree that I am louder than her. That I can be too direct. But ... for me, I never intended her life to be "my way or the highway." She picked her car. I had an opinion but did not offer it. I suggested she do the research and pick the one she wanted, because it would be her car. after she picked, I did all the legwork ordering it, negotiating the price, buying it, and picking it up. I wanted silver, she got red, which is what she wanted.

For her birthday I wanted to get her a convertible. But it was a big purchase, not something to just go do independently. And so I didn't buy it, but I picked it out. And on her birthday, sadly, I couldn't just present the car to her. I told her about it. Then we went to see it. I talked to her and said, look, I'm just offering a gift to you. You don't need to accept it. If you like the car, we'll get it. If you want a different car, we can get a different one. If you don't want any new car, that's fine too. In the end she agreed to accept the car I had picked. We bought it. This is not me forcing the issue. It's not me insisting.

She picked out the houses we lived in. I agreed. She picked our vacation spots. I agreed. In fact I just don't get the "my way or the highway" at all. I asked her to tell me just what this meant - and she said "it's none of the big things, but all of the little things."

I was grappling with an alligator. Every time I tried to address something head on (eg she says, "it was your way or the highway". I say "ok, tell me about that - give me some examples"), the gator rolls over again. It wasn't the car. It wasn't the schools the kids went to. It wasn't how many kids we had. It wasn't our house. It wasn't whether the kids went to summer camp or not. It wasn't our family budget. It wasn't anything I could think of that would fall into the "big decisions" bucket. She and I collaborated on all of these things I mentioned, and I often acceded to her wishes. She was wise, and I accepted that and was thankful for that.

So when I said, look, none of the "Big things" I can think of were my way or the highway. What then?

She offered mops! And Sald dressing! Mops??!?!! Apparently I had an opinion on the mop we use in our kitchen, and that was the reason she said it was always my way or the highway. Look, honestly, I don't care that much about the mop. I don't remember having an argument about the mop. There is no way I would put my marriage at risk over a freaking mop. or salad dressing. When I hear this, I think, "is this for real? This cannot be real!"

So what I wrote to her was, I'm sorry you felt that way. I didn't intend any of it. I am not ducking, not accepting, not denying responsibility for her feelings in that letter. I am only empathizing. I wish it wasn't that way. I didn't know. I'm sorry you feel this way now. And I truly am.