For the guys with kids and a WAW

[kat727]

I just want to know when the breaking point comes for the WAS. I have told H about the money issue, he doesn't care...get a 2nd job. Yet he knows that he isn't much help on the omework front with our 2 oldest anyway and he doesn't always understand the math for the younger 2. He just throws up his hands..."I don't know how to do this"! God if I never here that expression again I will die a happy woman.
I know I have done more of the same behavior just with a slightly different subject and what I need to figure out is how to do something different.
any ideas?
kat

[hopeful4her]

wdid,

It seems to be much different if your H would have know about your A. I think it to be easier for the spouse when WAS comes back saying I want this to work out but this is what I did while we were seperated. Discovering and having to deal with an ongoing affair while still living in the same house is gut wrenching. You also made it easy in reference to your kids. At least on him. We know that we both want joint custody of the kids, the issue is who they live with that we go round and round.

lwb, looking for womens point of view when the H wants custody of the children. For some, it is not an issue of who the children will live with. I think that most WAH know that the kids will stay with mom. It may be hard to imagine a different scenario in your sitch as you are not the WAS. Being the WAS because of an A and wanting the children seems like...well I can't seem to put it into words, but just wrong.

kat, I'm not sure if I have read your whole sitch, but I will and help comment later.

We all have our breaking points. By reading others posts, I can't tell if breaking points get stretched a little longer by being seperated or not. I know that when still living under the same roof, it feels volatile. Constant reminders that as long as WAS is still in the house, there is more hope than not. This seems to be an illusion.

[hopeful4her]

Yesterday, finished the puppy pen, kids get home and getting ready to get to carnival in our small town. Call WW at about 6 to ask if she is going to meet us there and if she wants me to take her anything. After a few tries, I ask her if she is going to meet. Long pause. "Uuuhhhh." I say "You dont have to go, I was just wanting to know if you wanted anything from the house?" "Well, I'm in a skirt." Thats why I'm calling you. I'm still at the house." "Oh, then yeah, get my jeans and I'll meet you there. I'm talking to my boss and I'll be about another 20 minutes. I'll call when I get there." Goofball. At 7, we are at carnival, WW calls and says she has just left. I say wow, its late. I say ok, a little sarcasticaly and she says it right back. At 7:45, WW calls and says traffic into the carnival is terrible, no parking and traffic being directed to high school across street. Not going. Will go to grocery store and have pizza waiting for us when we get home.

Kids and I have a blast. I see the old friend who texted me for lunch a couple of weeks ago and hang with her and her kids for a while. We talk about her divorce and we talk about WW, whom she knows. Call WW at about 9:45 to tell her we are on the way home. No answer on cell and not answer at home. WTH. She better be at home and in the shower. Mind working OT. WW calls and were talking a bit. She mentions that she didn't see any missed calls. I said I called cell and house phone. Oh, I'm not home yet. Where are you, I ask? She tells me and I am actually in front of her going home. I tell her that I shouldn't have gotten the kids all excited about pizza at home. She apologized and said she gone to a clothing store and then to grocery. She had to buy a lot of extra food for an early meeting she was conducting at work in morning.

At home, sleepy head baths and bed. We put groceries away, I go outside to clean out ice chest she will need, she still makes a pizza and asks me if I'm hungry. We eat and talk on sofa. I talk us having a blast. D11 got on many of the scary rides and was so proud of herself. I was proud of her too. Conquered her fear. D6 had a blast. I ask about her day. She says she stayed late talking to boss about another boss. D's had asked earlier to sleep with mom, so they were in our bed. No room for mom now. I take D6 bed and WW takes sofa. Everything like nothing. Easy conversation.

This morning, I wake up WW early, she get ready and gathers stuff for her meeting. I help her load full ice chest. Later, I'm on her about time. She is wearing new beige pants from store. Shopaholic big time. I notice pants are a bit see through. I mention to have her keep her shirt down because she left tag on. She laughs. Later, she changes pants right in front of me to other new pair of black pants. I tell her those are better as I could see her thong in the other pair (Lord give me strength). She says they were too big anyway. Normal morning, I am on her about time again. I have to stop that. I know it bugs the crap out of her. It is one of her pet peaves, but if it wasn't for me, everyone would be late. I have to stop rushing everyone in the morning. I offered to make lunch. No, thank you. I hope it is because she'll have too much left over food from the morning meeting.

I can hope, can't I.

[whatdidido]

h4h

We were separated but we didn't specify that we would see other people. I think my H was in denial and was just making it through the day until I did something. I think you are right....living with an ongoing affair, especially living in the same house, would be horrifying. THe fact that she IS still there, though, tells me that she still has hope because the reason we separated was because I thought we were headed toward divorce and I couldn't keep doing what I was doing in the same house...guilt. If she moves out, she will really give that "other life" a try and not feel so guilty about it. I wish my H didn't make it so easy for me to leave. I think I would have chosen my family sooner....although, I don't know...that first OM and that "love" had me completely in a fog. Breaking points do get stretched when separated, and then you have to live with "will she ever come to her senses" and "how long do I wait for her". I don't know....I can feel your depression in your last post....I see glimpses of hope in your wife, and I don't think it is an illusion, I just hope she makes the right choice soon or she will have to live with that the rest of her life.

[hopeful4her]

Definately not showing what I feel. I will not let her see that side anymore, if at all possible.

Side note. Last night, WW also bought a huge bag of potting soil and different flower seed bags. The other day, some small indoor plants. These don't seem like the stuff someone buys that is planning on moving out in less than two months. Does it?

Was going back and forth in my head about sending text to WW for lunch plans.
Here is what I sent:

Wondering if u have plans for lunch already? Cool if u do. U got me wanting Souper Salads

We'll see. The last time I asked her out to lunch, I know she cancelled the plans with OM. I snooped a text she did cancelling plans with him. That was a couple of months ago.

[hopeful4her]

Just got my reply.

Made plans already sorry

Oh well, I tried. Not going to let it bother me. At least try to not let it bother me. I knew she had plans.

[lodo]

Hey hopeful,

Sorry she didn't join you.

Have you read grasshopper's threads? He went through a sitch of living with W while she was having A.

lodo

[CBK]

Hey H4H,

As you know, we are in the same sitc'. I do think my wife is trying to break off with OM as OM is in counseling with his W... My W gave until the end of summer when kids go back to college as her move out date - so I have a lot of work to do. I always hope for the little signs. I would be careful on asking for lunch and stuff like that, I know my W gets mad if I buy her ice cream if she is feeling down - a lot like pursuing, and right not, our W's don't want much to do with us. It is the worst feeling in the world to have W in the house during this time, and at other times a blessing.

Stay tough and look at the bright side - your Spurs are still playing!

Peace,

CBK

[karen43]

Normal morning, I am on her about time again. I have to stop that. I know it bugs the crap out of her. It is one of her pet peaves, but if it wasn't for me, everyone would be late. I have to stop rushing everyone in the morning.

Yes, H4H, I think you should stop that & that kind of thing. My H used to do that with me; we wound up developing more of a father-child relationship instead of a healthy R of equals. Better for your W to be a few minutes later than nagging her continually. And I wonder sometimes if the nagging helps anyway?

That is sad how your W sounds pretty unreliable right now. I know that when my H started doing that too is was so upsetting and out of character for him. I have learned to basically have zero expectations of him so that when he does come through it is a pleasant surprise.

I agree you should probably try to stop pursuing your W as best you can. Supposedly that makes the WAS run faster and further! Karen

[hopeful4her]

I know, I know. I have to keep thinking with my head (yes, the real one) and not my heart.

Its these things that I do that keep setting me back. One step forward, two steps back.

I am sick of being hopeful. Change it to hopeful4me.

I keep reading others sitch's and how some days seem so hopeful for WAS's and then back to the same. Our minds play tricks on us. I'm ok with her text.

At least she did say "sorry" at the end.