We are on a downward spiral

[Bagheera]

This may or may not be right, but my perspective is to try and rebuild a frindship/ relationship with my wife at this point with no expectations of the romantic.

I'll recommend another book to you: John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The emphasis in it is (re)building and maintaining a close friendship, and learning to handle conflict/difference in a non-destructive manner to your relationship.

About the dates though, it wasn't just that we sometimes didn't have sex after a date, it was always! I can not recall any dates including birthdays or anniversaries where we actually consumated.

Last summer, our older two children did the math, and figured out that Dad (with some help from Mom) really likes to celebrate holidays. The two oldest offspring trace back to anniversaries, one of the younger to my birthday, and the last to Valentine's Day. My kinesthetic MO reveals itself again....

It does sound like, however, that your wife is extremely sensitive to any pressure to "perform" or respond to you. If there is an expectation hanging there in the air, it's nearly certain to get swatted down. It also sounds like it's hard for her to separate herself from the demands of day-to-day living, and it has taken a physical separation from the house & kids (going on a getaway) for her to be able to disconnect from "Mommy-mode" and relax and enjoy herself with you. These are both issues that she will eventually have to deal with, with a LOT of patience from you. But for now, I like the friendship building approach you're taking.

Best regards,

Bagheera