The flame is flickering out...

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey Nutty,
I know that she was afraid. I know.
I heard her. But I never threatened her. I didn't put that fear there.

I would not allow my son to live my H 50% of the time. Very few mothers would. Very few courts would allow that. I don't believe that would be in the best interest of the child. Yes they need 2 parets but they need continuety and routein more. I can't believe you would think it Ok for your children to live half and half with you and your wife.

The laws in the US are not like that. The preference is for 50/50 time in my state. That's the way it is now. The mother does not get to decide. Also, the kids do not get to decide, not until they are 13,14,15 years old, and then their opinion is weighed but is not the final arbiter.

She can be "afraid" of splitting time with the kids, just as she can be "afraid" of her own financial independence. But that is not me "scaring her". It seems more to be "not liking the consequences of her decisions."

On the "I cherish that" - I do! I do cherish her bond with the kids. But I also cherish my bond with the kids. I think splitting a family is terrible. Divorce is hell. But I will not surrender my time with the kids, to agree to her wishes. Me giving up my kids does not "unsplit" the family. NO. For me, that's not what empathy and compliance is about. I'm sorry. I don't care how un-empathetic that sounds. I won't do it. It's a divorce, forpeetsake. It's not ok for her to have the kids 100% of the time. This is 2008.

What I meant about scaring her was, were you trying to make her behave in a way you wanted her to by threatening to take her children away.

NO. Threatening? What you describe is the epitome of control. But I don't see that in my behavior. What would make you suggest this? I don't understand what you're referring to.

I did not threaten anything. Look, if a couple with children divorces, there are consequences. I don't think she thought them through when she filed, or while she was imagining herself happily divorced from me. To say "If you quit your job, you will lack money" is not a threat. Although, I grant, some people could perceive that as threatening, or could be afraid just hearing those words. But that reaction seems a little ....unreasonable?

I really don’t think your wife is lying either. You clearly have different perceptions of the same event.

I get that perceptions vary. In some situations, differing perceptions may be valid. It is sometimes hard to say.
But it is easy to evaluate the truth of a statement like "he threatened my friends, intimidated them to keep them from supporting me". This is not a perception thing. Either I threatened them or I didn't.

We can ask the people in question their perception of the conversations. If they felt threatened, then my interaction with them was threatening. But if my wife imagined or perceived them to feel threatened, that is not enough to state that my interaction with them was threatening. That is my wife putting her imagination where it does not belong.

If my wife perceives that my interaction with her friends was threatening, that is a valid perception, and I recognize that she may be feeling it, perceiving it. But it is in conflict with reality. I am not denying she felt it. Only questioning the reasonableness in feeling it.

But this is just one incident. There are MANY. All very similar. Numerous incidents where her perceptions are at odds with reality. Some cannot be proven, one way or the other. Some are provably wrong. "He hacked into my computer to spy on me." This is just wrong. It's not a matter of perception. Either I did, or did not, do this thing.

I think her perception is as equally valid as yours.The way she felt about the way you behved is valid. You may not have wanted her to feel afraid but I believe she did. Why else did she join an abused womans group?

Well, it sure seems that she felt afraid. You're quite right - why would she join such a group if not for fear? (Unless she is really calculating, which I doubt). But the point is, is the fear reasonable?

Is it reasonable for her to feel I would kill her? Is it reasonable for her boyfriend to live in fear of his life? Is it reasonable for her to perceive me pounding on her car when no such act occurred? Is it reasonable for her to remember me yelling "blowjob" in the house with the kids around when I never ever uttered that word out loud?

I guess the courts will decide. My opinion doesn't really matter.

She was in fear of her life SirPrize.
Thats how scared she was.

It's hell. I get it. I'm sorry for her fear. I didn't put it there. Honest. I get that it's there. But I didn't put it there.