Trying Hard to Detach

[Eagle 2]

I was served the D papers on 3/7/08 from my W of 16 Years (T18). She filed at the end of Feb 2008. We have 2 Kids 13D 10S. I have beed DBing now for 2.5 Weeks and have had one coaching session. It seems that we have good days and bad. There are times when the WAW is nice - almost normal and then times when she is very distand and downright cruel. I have been hitting daily goals and have hit many babysteps but nothing concrete.
I am struggling to detach and GAL. We are in a forced cohabitating separation She blocks all GAL activities with last minute schedule changes and her own agenda. Everytime I show independence, she gets very upset and exacts revenge. Her latest is to not tell me where she is, who with or when she will be coming home. All the time insinuating OM (I believe that she is just trying to get me mad).

I have done several 180's and was posting in newcomers but had to kill the thread.

Can anyone give suggestions on how to LRT, Detach or even go dark when you are in the same house? I want to have her see what it would be like w/o me here.

[Trixi]

When my H announced he was going to be moving out, it took about a month for him to find a place. My sitch is VERY odd, so what I say might not apply to you, but I just would go out, just like he did. We didn't discuss who was going where, etc, because at that point we weren't really accountable to each other.

How is she blocking GAL activities? Do you mean you make plans to go out and she makes you stay home to babysit or something?

Regarding not telling you who she's going out with or when she'll return- of course she doesn't- she doesn't see herself as accountable to you, right now. You need to be get so busy that you don't care what she is doing. Improve yourself. That's all you can do.

[Eagle 2]

Trixi,

Thanks for the reply. W hits me with last minute "I have an errand to run" or "I am going out" and I am stuck with kids. This makes it impossible to GAL.

I am trying to detach as much as possible by:
-Being in another room when we are home.
- Trying not to be around her at all in the morning (leave early).
- Not contacting her at all during the day (replies only).
- No deep converations at home (light acquantance type stuff).
- Seem disintersted unless hit with a direct question.

I cannot leave w/o losing custody rights and niether can she.

[Starshyne]

I am starting today to go dark while my H is at home. Although I can't say that he really is at home because he stays out until 2am for the past 2 nights. But he refuses to move out because he says he can't afford it.

I am doing what you are doing Eagle, but I am also making a point that I am not helping my H in any way.

--When I did the dishes in the dishwasher, I left out any dish that he had used so that he can wash them himself

--I did not pick up his things like I usually do.

-- I am not going to buy him his cofee and juice at the store.

If I need to tell him something because of money issues or whatever, I am writing it on a message board.

Maybe you should beat your W to the punch and have an arrand to run at the last minute before she does.

[Eagle 2]

Starshyne,

I have been slowly dropping the items that I do for my W. She has been dropping everything (as if she is divorcing me and kids).......
It is so hard to be distant and in the same house. It is so hard to love your spouse so much and have them being so cruel......

The MLC WAS has had months or even years to get their head in the game and we have to snap into it in an instant.

I keep thinking that if W could see what it would be like w/o me around then she would get nervous.

I have a D Support Group Meeting Monday at 7:00 PM and I don't plan to tell her until I am leaving. She will create a problem otherwise.

[Starshyne]

I hate to say that my H is in a MLC, because I dont' even know what that exactly means and it does sound like an excuse. My IC said that it sounds like he is having an "identity crisis." I am not sure what the difference is. He is 37 and acting like a 17 year old. I know that much.

I think the key is to force our S to see what life would be like without us. I know that I do a LOT of things for my H that he doesn't realize. I have done them because I am his wife, but he is no longer treating me like his wife, so I am dropping those things out. Even if my house is a mess, I am not going to pick up after him anymore. I have done it for 7 years (today marks 7 years exactly since our first offical date) and I am not doing it anymore. I hope it does make him nervous.

My H has told me that he doesnt' want a D. Maybe that makes me a little different than others here. He wants the life of a single man with marriage benefits. Do you feel like your wife is this way? She wants to be married but also single at the same time?

I do agree with you...it is very difficult to love your spouse so much and have them treat you so poorly. It hurts like no other pain. When I got married, I did not agree to any of this. But here we are...

Sara

[Eagle 2]

Sara,

You are in a difficult spot. In some ways I wish that my W didn't file for D and was like your H. But then again, what are you getting out of this? A big part of the M is the partnership, affection and commitment. If they take that away, why stay in the M? I feel for you in that you may have to use the James Dobson "Tough Love" techniques to gain your self respect and force a conflict/decision. Have you read this book? Your H wants to have his MLC Cake and eat it too.....

My W is trying to dress and act like a 20YO. Classic MLC. She is really into the myspace/im/youtube scene. She seems to think that after the D that she will be free and careless w/o any resposibility or accountability. She will be..... for a short time.

I have thought about your sitch and its seems that you need to force a decision at some point. Is he still in an A?? Is there still an OW?? Or is he just fishing???

[Eagle 2]

Update:
Have been really doing the LRT and Detaching for 2 days now and I feel much better. Only problem is that W seems to like the lack of communication and has really stopped telling me what is going on w/ kids.....
I am doing all that I can to give her space and freedom and to reduce the stress and tension. I am also trying to show her what it will be like w/o me around. All that I hear or read says that this is the ONLY way to get them back.
Had IC meeting and it was ok at best. The C says that WAW is crazy, having an affair and unpredictable. She says that W could flip and come back in 5 minutes or stay out there forever. The A thing seems odd given what I know about schedules and other issues but it is very possible... I think that she wants the A very badly but has not been able to "hook up" yet.

[minkerman]

2 days is nothing, eagle. Remember, this is a marathon, not a 100 yard dash!

2 weeks of LRT might show some results, if you are consistent.

[Eagle 2]

Thank you. I have beem doing the DB/DR for 3 weeks now. In the last four days I have detached significantly. I feel a little better at times. I miss my family so much that it really gets me down. I am having a down day today. Church was great but having to do it on my own is really hard.

I want to be stronger, I want to be more into GAL, I want my family back.

Any suggestions for the rough days like this?