Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[Maya44]

what do you need copied?

[Jeanette1120]

WOW mishka!! What an awesome post!!

I'm seriously trying to maintain my strength and stop feeling like a victim of my circumstances.

Wonderful !! Sometimes we let the hurt victimize us in the beginning...thats natural, but your doing awesome!

Doesn't if give you empowerment to mow your own yard? Hell...even starting the lawnmower in 2 pulls sends me on a high!

I'm willing to bet he's not talking to you cos he is paying attention to all your new found strength and independace and it has him curious and pouting. So push those bad thoughts away!!

The coping is hard. Got a dog??? I know a wet nose kiss and a paw in your face all night isn't the same...but it is comforting!

Check out some home improvement classes at home depot.

The summer schedule for local college classes are out soon if not already.

Meet new friends, set up new activities.

Throw yourself into your job just kidding. Well maybe....all depends...hehehe, I just can't seem to get past that one!

Your doing great!

Hugs,

Jeanette

[mishka422]

Thanks Jeanette! I like the idea of the home improvement classes at Home Depot. I have renamed that darned store though. It is now officially called "Hell". I broke down in tears in the middle of an aisle there about a month ago looking for an air filter for my darned air conditioner. I would have thought the filters would be near the other ventilation type stuff....well no! That would make too much sense! They were at one end of the paint section. Good grief!

I have seriously though about those classes though. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I can do these things myself. I patched my wall in my bathroom a couple of weeks ago where the towel bar had come out and then used the wrong color paint to cover the spackle so I had to paint the whole bathroom. I'd never done either of these things before. I also put a new towel bar up and used molly bolts and everything! I was pretty jazzed about doing that!

I'm far too thrown into my work and I can't stand it! I'm actually looking for something new with benefits. My company offers benefits but they are so expensive that we'd starve or be homeless just so I could have medical coverage. For now I'm still covered under my H's insurance since we're not divorced yet and he hasn't re-filed. How weird is that?

I do wonder if he is seeing all of the strength I'm finding or if he just doesn't give a crud one way or the other. I'm trying not to care but it's really hard. The more I can put him out of my head the better.

I do have a dog and he is a lifesaver. The poor little guy hasn't been to the groomer in forever though and he needs his nails trimmed in a bad way. I can't do it though. I don't know if it's lack of strength in my hands or just fear on my part that I'm going to hurt him. I really need to get him an appointment. His groomer went mobile and I can't afford them anymore and he is behind on his shots which I can't afford to go get for him right now so PetSmart and Petco won't take him. BUMMER! He's a mini daschund that is spoiled rotten!

I think I'll run by Home Depot tonight after work and see what classes they are going to have this Saturday. I think I'm going to have a little free time.

Hugs to you too!!!!!

[mishka422]

Nothing new to report really. The only contact I have had with my H this week was on Wednesday when he took S13 to a Dr.'s appointment and called me to tell me how it went. I haven't actually seen him in the flesh other than a passing glance in the car in about 4 weeks I think. I do miss seeing him but I'm sure it's easier this way. When I talked to him the other day it physically hurt to hear his voice. That seems so wrong to me. I managed to maintain calm and sound friendly but when I hung up the phone I thought I was going to throw up. He sounded so genuinely happy and pleased with himself. How can he be that way when he has destroyed our lives? I just don't understand that and I know I never will so I should just stop trying.

I'm so exhausted by the end of the day from the acting job I have to do. Acting like I'm just fine and everything is just hunky dory is wearing me out. The strange though is that I can't sleep at night even though I'm so tired. I don't like to take Ambien if I can help it but I'm thinking the weekend I'm going to have to just to get some rest.

Sunday should be interesting. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I am going to a bridal shower for my cousin's, son's soon to be wife. She's so sweet and they are wonderful together but I'm so jaded and cynical now that anyone I come in contact with that acts the least bit "in love" makes me want to vomit and I nearly spit venom. That is NOT normal! I almost want to tell them to run....run very far away and don't look back! You're only setting yourself up for the most immense pain of your life and, trust me, it's not worth your sanity! Again.......NOT NORMAL!!!! These feelings are just terrible.

H still hasn't re-filed the D. I don't know what he's waiting for. He's the one that wants this so bad. Why is he dragging his feet. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he is because, frankly, I need his insurance. I love my H but I don't LIKE him at all now. He's not the same person I married and unless that man comes back in at least some ways, I don't want him back. He's become so world weary and mean spirited. He used to have a wicked sense of humor, now it's just a mean streak. He gets his kicks at other people's expense now - it's really sick. His job and the people he works with (including OW) have changed him into this person I don't know and don't want to know. How sad.

I've never been alone in my entire adult life and I really don't like it at all. I'm trying to get used to not having any help with anything but it's stressing me to the max now. Between the 5 out of 7 classes my son is now failing because he won't bring homework home with him, his constant attitude problem, my mom's whining because I'm not home with her enough (I'm at work until after 6pm most nights and then spend the next couple of hours running errands for myself and her, taking S13 to karate, going to church or searching for more work), and the lack of any close human contact, I am losing what is left of my mind.

Wow! Glad I got all of that off my chest. If you've made it to the bottom of this rambling, off kilter post you're either a brave and hearty soul or just as nuts as I am!

[kissak]

Wow Mishka....I feel like you read my mind. I have a friend that works with me and 2 days ago she found out that her H had been lying to her among other things and now she is talking about separation and divorce...she is heartbroken and I see myself in her and I feel her pain. It is a horrible thing to go through and I actually could tell her for a fact it would get easier to deal with, I didnt have the heart to tell her that the pain will always be there.

14 months and my heart still hurts.

[mishka422]

Oh Lordy! I can't even see taking this pain into next week let alone 14 months from now. I feel like this will never heal. I just don't have the energy right now to do much of anything but I push myself so hard just to get the most mundane things accomplished anyway.

I was actually feeling pretty good this morning other than the normal confusion I have every morning praying about what the heck I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I was driving to work singing along with Steve Fee's "All Because of Jesus" and I got behind a car with a Walt Disney World bumper sticker. Of all things to set me off......a Disney World bumper sticker! I started crying so hard because it brought back so many memories. My H and I spent half of our honeymoon there and we've taken many family trips there with our son. When do the happy memories stop making me so sad. I'll never be able to create happy family memories all together again. That made me so sad and I couldn't contain it. What a horrible feeling!

I know I'm responsible for creating new memories for my son and I but it just feels so wrong. My son wants to go to Washington DC and I really want to take him but that is where H and I went for a long "romantic just the two of us at long last" weekend last August. Little did I know that he was having an A with the OW then and he called her several times while we were there (every time I was in the shower). Now, all the fun we had is tainted. I'm afraid to go there again because I'm scared of all the feelings it will bring up.

I just want all of this to go away!

Oh well, I'll find a way to move forward as we all will.....hopefully!

[kissak]

Man Mishka...I am so feeling your pain today. I want to know how others do it. How do they just move onto the next person? It just doesnt seem right.

[missmyfriend]

Kissak and Mishka, the pain is there because it was real. It was not some figment of your imagination. People feel the joy with their spouse because it is mutual. We "feed" of each others emotions and we usually react, good or bad.

Personally, I would still take the pain of what has happened over never experiencing the happiness I had with my wife for over 20+ years. I do believe that eventually things will work out for the best but if I was to know that my last day living under the same roof was Nov 27, 2006, I would still choose to have married her in 1990. Too many positives were experienced to wish she and I never happened.

I believe most people who easily move on to the next person more as a band-aid to help them overcome the hurt they feel. I just don't want to add more "pain" either to myself or to another person to salve my injury.

[mishka422]

That's for certain! I have no desire to EVER have another person in my life that could cause me this kind of pain anyway so I have no intentions of "moving on". I'm still married, H withdrew the D, hasn't refiled, and I'm not approaching the subject with him because I am not going to divorce me for him! He wants it, he can work for it. I need his insurance so I'm definitely not bringing it up.

I have been applying for a job with the CDC that I would be perfect for. I hope they think so too! Wish me luck! Can't get much better than a Federal government job! It will be an awful commute but I think it would be worth it in the long run.

I'm going to a bridal shower Sunday. I hope I can manage to have some fun and not let the subject matter get me down. My family and several friends will be there so I'm sure it will be a hoot! These are the kinds of people who can turn a funeral into one heck of a party. They're all clowns!

[Cinderellaman]

Good luck with the job !!! Hope you get it !

(((((((((hugs))))))))