I think she's back

[Starshyne]

Here is what I am doing...

I will tell H that until he can prove to me that he wants to be my H 100% which means no more contact with whatever women he has on the side, no more staying out all hours of the night, no more sleeping with his cell phone, change his number, etc etc. That I am done with him. I am not doing his dishes, making him meals, helping him in anyway. I will not watch TV with him, chat with him about his day, or do anything out of my way for him. While he is deciding what he wants, I am going to move forward with my life, which may mean talking to a lawyer.

He can't be single and be married any longer. He has to decide one way or the other and stick with his decision. If he wants to be single...fine...be single. Just stop dragging me down with him.

I still love him so much. I still have hope for our marriage. When things look good between us, I can see us together forever. We make a good partnership.

I don't even know if he is planning on coming home tonight. Who knows...he might be out until 2am again. The last I heard from him was at 9am with a text saying "I am trying to change..." No word from him since then. So even if he doesn't come home and I can't tell him these things, then I will have to act on them without saying a word.

[MichelleLT]

Actions do speak louder than words.

Just as his actions are speaking.

He has clearly shown he will do whatever you let him get away with. And when you set boundaries, he tends to cave most of the time. He likes it when you are strong.

But be strong for yourself Sara.

You can do it.

[Starshyne]

All of this would be so much easier if there wasn't all of this emotional pain.

[SDFoundGirl]

You will be a stronger human being for it. It's hard to see now, but I'm on the other side of this saga, and I am a much stronger, better person than I was at the beginning.

I'd say to keep your conversation with H brief. In fact, you may choose to put it in writing to avoid getting sucked in emotionally. Outline your conditions, tell him to make a decision, and then take action based on his ACTIONS not his WORDS. Words are cheap, and actions tell the real story.

You've decided this is non-negotiable for you, right? If so, act. You've already had this conversation with him, and after how many days is he backsliding again?

Good luck. Yes, this hurts, but you will survive.

SD

[Starshyne]

Well, another night where H comes home at 2am. I am done. If he ever will be willing to live the life of a married man and commit to me, I would try again. However, his actions show me that he wants to be single. So fine...be single. I am not going to talk to him unless I totally HAVE to, no more calling/TM(that will be the hard one for me) and I am going to detatch as much as I can.

I am not going back to January and no one can force me back there. In January he was staying with the OW whenever he felt like it and with me whenever he felt like it. I was allowing him to use me and I felt like crap all the time. I am not going there ever again.

One of these nights I plan on not be home. Maybe sleeping at a hotel and just make him wonder where I am.

Like I said before....this all would be so much easier if there wasn't the emotional pain involved. I just feel like my heart is hurting so badly. I physically feel it.

[JeffSTL]

Sara, its Jeff from St Louis

My W was out late too, sleep on couch I hate that. I'm sorry Sara, I've been watching your post, but I don't know what to say to you.

I know the pain, I just got back from church and I almost lost it this morning thinking of what W has done to me and this family. The pain, the pain, the pain.

I will write more to you, I just wanted to drop you a quick note, yes detach, don't move out until you have a financial plan in place. just detach, pray, I'm thinking of you daily.

1 Corinthians 13 (New Living Translation) 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

I'm doing everything I can think of, trying to follow Gods will, forgivness, patience and love

Improve, Protect, Love

M45
W41
D9, D6, D6, S5
M 10 years
2 Dogs, 1 Cat
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 and still going ???

[Starshyne]

Hi Jeff,

I am the one this marriage that is the "bread winner." My H has a very low paying job that he has only had for 9 months. He was unemployed for most of our marriage. I could afford to leave, but not to pay for the house and my own place. H can't afford to pay for this house, but he could afford a cheap apartment if he wanted. He just doesn't want that right now.

If I left, it wouldn't be for good. Just for enough time to freak out H and have a court say that I can live in the house and he has to leave. There is no way that a court wouldn't say that I could stay in the house, because H can't afford the house payment.

I hate thinking about this stuff....

[MichelleLT]

((((Sara))))

I am sorry things are going the way they are right now.

I love the idea of e-mailing the Ls. In any case, I think on Monday you need to talk to somebody again.

Hang in there. You can do it.

[klm]

(((((Sara)))))

I am sorry you are going through this again.

I also think you should really talk to a lawyer..but you already know that. I understand the anxiety. Maybe email is the way to go to set up the appointment. You need to know what rights you have with the house and what action to take if you want him to leave.

He can't be single and be married any longer. He has to decide one way or the other and stick with his decision. If he wants to be single...fine...be single.

So what would he have to do if he wants to be single? Move out? If you are going to say this to him you have to be prepared for the fact that he may say he does want to be single...then you have to back up your words with actions. If you give him empty threats, then he won't take you seriously and he will continue to do what he is doing.

If you aren't ready to follow through with actions then I would say just do your best to limit contact. I know that is hard being in the same house...but that means no phone calls, no texts, no paying his bills, no cooking for him,..etc.

[Starshyne]

Call the lawyer again...she is at court. She will be back in an hour, but I am at work and will have classes straight through until 11. Maybe someone is trying to tell me something...

If he wants to be single that will mean that I am no longer a part of his life in any way. He can come and go as he pleases, but don't expect me to be there to help him at all in any way. I will be invisible to him. I wont' be there for him anymore. I know that he "isn't ready" to move out. I also know that things will change after May 19 when he begins his classes at the community college. It is going to be a difficult load and a very intense time. I honestly don't think he will be able to work part time, go to school, keep up with his homework and go out with his new girl (girls???). And what do I think he will do? Struggle and then come to his teacher wife for help with his classwork.

It also gets to me that I don't know who the OW is/are. Is it the girl he was seeing that I dont' think he ever got over? Or is it someone totally different who he said is "just a new friend." And if it is someone brand new, who is she? I know it shouldn't matter, but let's be honest. Knowing who the OW is something I think most of us want to know.

I imagine she is someone younger than him who makes him "feel young." Just as the prior OW did. Someone who isn't married or have any attachments. Someone who is free to stay out until 2am on a Wednesday and Thursday night. If I did that, I would be so beat that I couldn't function the next day. But I remember a time in my late teens/early 20's when I would stay out until 3am and get up and go to classes the next day.

I am babbling, I know...but I just need to think aloud and I have been keeping all this to myself this time (last time I told my mom and a few close friends).