Okay so a little slip no big deal. Interesting wife thinks you are reacting not taking action! I read into this power complex, W thinks you go out because she does. Tit for tat, complementing her makes her think hah, he still wants me, well now you know what it means to want. It is pathetic but all too common for a Wayward spouse to get this complex. It is because they are looking for affirmation.
I stopped complimenting my wife, last week she gets her hair cut comes home and I didn't say a thing. She asks me do you like it? I said it looks fine, what is more important is do you like it? She said yes, then procedes on monday to tell me how many guys at work complimented her hair. I listened looked her in the eye the whole time, and gently nodded my head. Funny how they want something else but just aren't all that sure of themselves.
I can now tell when my W. is fishing for compliments, she has only started that in the last 3 or 4 weeks. Ironically once I stopped giving them. I think of it like a chess match, this move won't win the game, but it may set up the next one that might. Not that it is a game, but you get the drift. That is why I wouldn't sweat the small slips too much.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
TGF - So you think the compliments aren't good then ?
I thought me giving small compliments was ok ? Others thoughts on this and is there something particular on this in DR that I can read up on ?
Does it matter that she thinks you still want her ? In my slip last Friday I am pretty sure I said as much anyway, but that I'm ready to let go. If you love someone enough you let em go sort of thing.
I think we all slip from time to time. I don't know if complimenting is good or bad. If it is part of the 180 you are doing, in other words you never complemented before it might be good. In other cases, where the WAW might see it as your darn right I look good and it becomes a false power thing for them.
My point is good or bad I did it for a while and I was getting a half hearted, (guilt ridden) thankyou! So I stopped doing it on any sort of regular basis. It seems that the compliments that a month ago caused her guilt are now missed at times. Go figure!
Like someone else posted don't worry about baby steps or small signs, that can lead to false expectations. Instead look at the big picture! The big picture is you, how do you vision yourself. As a great father, morally strong and interesting individual. One who isn't afraid of giving out compliments when warrented even though you probably will not receive anything in return.
My point is if you like complimenting her because she does look nice, why go against who you are or are becoming. The only reason I would stop is if it hurts you to give them and not receive anything. (only gamble what you are willing to lose) The way I see it, I have nothing to lose so I really am not gambling at all. Yesterday I posted on my thread about wanting to spend time apart, and I still do! Not because it may or may not bother her, but for me!
Do what makes you feel good and give what you want too! It isn't about them anymore, it is about you and your family (whoever chooses to be a part of it).
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Arthur, at your stage right now, your W is playing a game with you as she has pointed out above in your post. She is feeding off of what you are doing as trying to "hang" with her and keep up. My advice on compliments is to stop, obviously she is looking for them, do not sink in to her pleasure of the game. Don't play along with it, the more you play, the more control she has. She is expecting you to play this game, don't do it.
Your W knows you want her, you don't have to bring that up anymore. In fact, our WAS all know that we still want them and that is why we are on this board, they know they don't have to rush to make a decision on saving their M because we are sitting their on the couch waiting for them to come back to us, that is why detaching is so important, it shows our spouse that we are no longer waiting, we will go on with our lives with or without them, only then, will they begin to see things from a different pair of eyes.
Your right, if you love something, let it go, if its true love, it will find its way back to you. That is one true statement, remember this one line in this statement. "LET IT GO"
TY for Clarifying TGF and well put and TY Ping for your insight.
It's a difficult spot I find myself in I guess and I need to figure which way works best.
I do not bring up the R at all, just one bit slip last Friday, the other slips have been minor. I'm generally really happy around the house, because I am, no longer is it faking as it was to begin with, I am generally happier as I'm seeing more of my old friends, spending more time with my kids, getting out the house more (I get bad cabin fever) and getting more sleep.
I've smartened myself up, shave more regular, always putting on after shave and doing my hair even when staying in of an evening so I actually feel so much better in myself and more positive for 'my' future.
Think I will just continue as is for a while yet as I think I'm making fine progress. I think my W is noticing the changes and trying to make out they're for her or making it into some game, but she cannot win this game as I'm not even playing it !!!
Gotta stick with acting in a consistent way for more than just 2 or 3 weeks to get a proper undersatanding of where it's going. Thanks again for comments.
Another slightly strange development this morning.
Last night was again pretty standard pleasent and W was in a good mood when she woke this morning, but then starting shouting from upstairs as my oldest was shouting a bit as couldn't do what he was playing with. I was trying to do lunches, wash up, get my work stuff ready etc and W telling me to go help him, whereas I'm like, I'm not going in there every 30 seconds cause he presses a button twice !!! He can wait a min. Apparently I am right out of line for doing that and should drop anything as soon as kids moan as it winds W up. I mean...WTF, take quicker getting ready and come help.
My W is always ok when kids in bed asleep and also when not with them. When they are about, she is always on edge and changes into super alien.
I remained calm throughout this and when leaving the house said have a nice day and hope getting hair done cheersa you up, to which I got 'I'll be alrright once you've left' ... LOL. Slight change from 'It's living with you' but same difference. The bit I find so funny is that so many people think she would crumble without me, I do a lot of stuff, that might not seem much but add it to one persons daily chores and it would quickly add up.
I did also say to my W (slightly sarcastically so not the best I guess but meant to be with a slight humour in it), swearing in front of kids all the time, never using manners, shouting at me, great lessons your teaching them. Slightly wrong maybe, but I've asked her not to swear and say please and TY for things as it's what they will see. Not for me, but for them and it doea annoy me, but only to the fact that it is harmful to my kids. I've taken it all with a pinch of salt, but like to let it out on here.
I think mentioning the swearing was good, boundries. So the kids push her buttons, she can't take the stress with kids! Interesting, my wife has never had to watch our S. for a whole weekend without help, I have done it numerous times. It can wear on you especially when you are trying to find happiness with what you do and not who you are!
Try not too stress over little stuff, second it is all little stuff. I agree with ping as well in your sitch and it was outlined in mine. Backoff on compliments and see if she comes fishing for some. I hope your weekend goes well.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Oh, looking after kids full time must be super tough, I understand that and empaphise with that and do all I can to give my W some space when I'm around. The swearing and stuff in front of them though, doesn't do anything but teach them a bad lesson.
We dissagree a bit on childcare to, not majorly, but I'm just a bit more leave em when having tantrums whereas my W runs to them, especially if the tantrum involves my involvement so they must be a bit confused. I'm also 100% my oldest plays us off against each other because of that.
I will try and have a good weekend, out with friends a bit and stuff with kids so should be real good. Same to you to and all others on here
hey arthur, just read your complete thread. we sound like the same guys. i too had let myself go, weight, grooming, depressed. at least my w snapped me out of that. my sitch is similar except wife isnt going out all the time. she has denied any affair. i trust but have one eye open always. i have gotten some similar advice from sandi aboutnour w's wanting the passion back and would prefer it from us. i believe this too but its a fine line to walk. i went to marriage builders and w and i did needs questionairre, her number 1 need is physical attractiveness. i was about 80lbs morevthan when we first married. i since have lost 45. i have no where to go but up. sandi and others have mention we need to be fun, do more fun things. itd great to hear from others about some ideas to do with w. i dont mean to hijack here, i just naturally gravitate to those with very similar stches. i hope we can share ideas and give support. check out my threads mlc waw just confused and dayby day is hard need support. i will be following your thread and will add my support. i hope you and others will do the same. do smething fun this weekend. gl
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
thanks for coming over and yes it is great when you see people with very similar sitches.
Had a night out last night, real gooden with friends and home late. W woke me up early though getting ready and I was going to sleep in, but got up and we went out to a parade as a family. Absolutely brilliant I did, we had a fantastic time, had some lunch out while youngest slept too and W being really nice and we've been joking together a lot. I am so tired and having a kip now as they've all gone to a party but managed to really stay posditive (so hard when so tired) and had the best time.
H said a while back, 'I saw you get jealous when that bloke spoke to me in the shop'...wow, I did, but didn't realise it would be so obvious. Also, what does that mean that she said that ?
I'm still detaching but so tough as with the niceness you really feel like making a play, but I'm not going to and will leave it to her in her time. Got 2 holidays coming up so hopefully they go really well as they are a great opportunity for her to see me 24 hours a day and the new (old) me !!!
I also think my addressing the couple of issues firnly, but calmly then leaving it, might of got her thinking too.
DbD. I'll take a look later, must get some kip while their all out
