Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

Sandi - so glad you are up still.

I am actually doing well right now as my son and I are watching some stupid movie.

During the conversation tonight, I said I am not sure why we are going to MC since we are going for different reasons. She wanted to go back tomorrow to see the MC and I said that it isn't helping and that if when we want to work on our relationship, we can start to go back. We may agree to monthly which may work.

My W sounds like you, she did most of the heavy lifting with the kids, etc. just like you and built up a lot of resentment. She is the one in the MC that said I was a great person, etc. I do realize, and during our conversation tonight, I acknowledged that she is NOT in a state of mind (not exact words) to work on R and she needs to work on herself. I went even so far to say that I can no longer work on us as I need to work on me for awhile. I know she isn't going to change right now. I even told her at one point that I really didn't want this conversation to happen and that we can talk about this much later.

I understand about her moving out. She is dead set that she will not move out of the house and that is why she wanted to go to MC to help us decide which one should go. I have been pretty clear that I am not going. So the hand that dealt to me is both of us in the house. I need to find ways to stay out of the house, GAL, etc. I am going to call my buddy that said his home is always open, no questions asked and get a key so I can crash there every once in a while.

I am going to keep my personal changes going - I am not trying to be "super husband" and again, I told her that and the changes I am doing are for me. She "kind of" gets this.

She did say that she understands how I feel because she has had to let go of OM - I think maybe she is, but this will take time for her to "get over" him. I know that will take a lot of time.

Sandi, I am at a lose on how to treat her. Tonight after the conversation, she has been super nice toward me - I know she feels guilty about causing me pain - maybe the guilt is weighing in, I don't know.

I am eating more, actually ate a couple of meals today, and hit a bucket of balls. I will make that doc appointment, just to be sure.

I am really tired, mentally exhausted tonigt, but am trying to find that "happy" place I was in earlier.

Will see what happens. I am just beat and will try and hit the sack in about an hour or so.

I am okay, will actually sleep tonight. I do take melatonin - usally three of four at a time. They do help.

Sandi, thanks, glad you were on tonight.

Peace,

CBK