Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

I wish I'd read your post, SPM, before I blew it, because I did, again, big-time.

I cried and cried about how sad I am, how I feel like I failed, how much he is hurting me, how I don't want to do this to our family. We go for weeks and weeks without discussing our R at all and then when we finally do, all my built up feelings come out. I told him I knew I couldn't stop him, that I wasn't standing in his way exactly, but that it's also really hard for me to assist in him leaving.

We sat there with each other for over 2 hours, him repeating how he can't stay with me just to avoid hurting my feelings, how he needs to find happiness, how I deserve to be happy too, blah, blah. Just because he's unhappy now doesn't mean he wasn't happy with me before. Now he's a different person, not the same--is that true? I feel like I've changed as I've grown up, but that I am still fundamentally the same.

We also talked a little about his plans and of course he has none. I said (again) that if he feels such an urgent need to leave, he should go live with his parents. But he won't do that because it would be hard to see the girls. Then we talked about how D11 is going to sleepaway camp for the first time in July and then to a new school in Sept that's far away (1 hour commute) and very rigorous. So she is facing a lot of unknowns and I think ideally H should stay here until she is settled in her new school so that it's familiar and somewhat grounding. But having to pretend everything's OK is also stressful, so maybe he should move out in June. I don't know.

I gotta go to sleep now.