Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[mishka422]

Nothing new to report really. The only contact I have had with my H this week was on Wednesday when he took S13 to a Dr.'s appointment and called me to tell me how it went. I haven't actually seen him in the flesh other than a passing glance in the car in about 4 weeks I think. I do miss seeing him but I'm sure it's easier this way. When I talked to him the other day it physically hurt to hear his voice. That seems so wrong to me. I managed to maintain calm and sound friendly but when I hung up the phone I thought I was going to throw up. He sounded so genuinely happy and pleased with himself. How can he be that way when he has destroyed our lives? I just don't understand that and I know I never will so I should just stop trying.

I'm so exhausted by the end of the day from the acting job I have to do. Acting like I'm just fine and everything is just hunky dory is wearing me out. The strange though is that I can't sleep at night even though I'm so tired. I don't like to take Ambien if I can help it but I'm thinking the weekend I'm going to have to just to get some rest.

Sunday should be interesting. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I am going to a bridal shower for my cousin's, son's soon to be wife. She's so sweet and they are wonderful together but I'm so jaded and cynical now that anyone I come in contact with that acts the least bit "in love" makes me want to vomit and I nearly spit venom. That is NOT normal! I almost want to tell them to run....run very far away and don't look back! You're only setting yourself up for the most immense pain of your life and, trust me, it's not worth your sanity! Again.......NOT NORMAL!!!! These feelings are just terrible.

H still hasn't re-filed the D. I don't know what he's waiting for. He's the one that wants this so bad. Why is he dragging his feet. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he is because, frankly, I need his insurance. I love my H but I don't LIKE him at all now. He's not the same person I married and unless that man comes back in at least some ways, I don't want him back. He's become so world weary and mean spirited. He used to have a wicked sense of humor, now it's just a mean streak. He gets his kicks at other people's expense now - it's really sick. His job and the people he works with (including OW) have changed him into this person I don't know and don't want to know. How sad.

I've never been alone in my entire adult life and I really don't like it at all. I'm trying to get used to not having any help with anything but it's stressing me to the max now. Between the 5 out of 7 classes my son is now failing because he won't bring homework home with him, his constant attitude problem, my mom's whining because I'm not home with her enough (I'm at work until after 6pm most nights and then spend the next couple of hours running errands for myself and her, taking S13 to karate, going to church or searching for more work), and the lack of any close human contact, I am losing what is left of my mind.

Wow! Glad I got all of that off my chest. If you've made it to the bottom of this rambling, off kilter post you're either a brave and hearty soul or just as nuts as I am!