Dear CBK.....I really think it would be best on your mental and emotionally health at this time to stop going to the MC with your wife! Every time you gain some ground and are feeling better, it is time for another session and you leave all torn up and your confidence shot. So, if she wants to work on herself or the M (which she obviously doesn't right now....she wants to be left alone) I would go to IC and stop worrying about why she can't see what a good person you are. It doesn't work that way. My H is a good man. Always has been....I had to always be the "bad guy" with the kids growing up b/c he did not ever discipline them...I had to. I also had to be the one to deal with their teenage problems and rebellion....at least I felt alone in that. In every situation he came out smelling like a rose and I smelled like poop! I resented him for that, too. But the point I meant to say is that the issue of you being a good person and this "great guy" is not impressing her....that is not the issue she has. You have to understand that. I don't know what to say to get it through to you that you could be a "super husband of all husbands" and she would still be in this stage that she is in. Right now, I personally don't think C is doing her one bit of good. B/c it dwells on the R....you can't go into MC without R talks...that's what it is all about! She doesn't want to cooperate with the MC b/c she doesn't want to continue in the M. She is not going to change right now.....get it through your sweet head...please. You have made some wonderful changes.....she admitted she sees them but it doesn't change her mind. For Steve and for many men it does make their W's stop and notice and then have second thoughts about leaving. But, in other cases, you have to take a different path. However, keep the changes of your improvement for you......not her.
I believe in MHO that the only thing that is going to get her out of the addiction with OM and this "fog" she is in is for her to be on her own and away from her family on a daily basis. I still maintain that you should not leave the house, but if she wants out....I would let her go. Let her find a place. In fact, it might be a complete 180 if you just told her she was free to go and that you were not going to try any longer to get her to reconcile in the M. Tell her she is free to leave. That is not kicking her out......it is throwing the ball in her court. See what she does. If she asks if you want a D, tell her that is not what you said and that you won't file....it is her move. You are simply saying that you want try to convince her to stay with you in the house. But, you aren't leaving....if she wants out.....she can leave. What have you to lose at this point? Nothing else has worked. MC has been nothing but one long cheese-less tunnel. She is trying to justify her own decisions by calling your changes as "super husband" and making a joke about it b/c she sees it as you doing this simple and only to win her back to you. If she doesn't even want you to put your hands on her to move her out of your way in the kitchen while the two of you are cooking......she has big problems.
I know you don't want to take this avenue. I know you are scared to death to see her leave in fear that she will never return. However, there are many stories where the W thought that is what she wanted until she got it.....and then she woke up to what she had done. Also, her infatuation with the OM has got to run its course. Until it does......or until she decides on her on volition to call a cease to the A and cut out OM......I don't see her changing at this level. Time to go to plan B.
This is just my personal thoughts for whatever they are worth.
With you staying in the house with the kids, that gives them stability of sorts and also, it pretty well tells who the "guilty party" is by her leaving the home. Not all times is that true b/c a lot of H's leave when they discover an A, but when a woman leaves her home.....IMHO, it is b/c she is guilty of either an A or else she truly cannot tolerate what is going on in the home any longer (such as abuse, etc) or, one other reason......she wants to be free! I remember when my freedom something I wanted so badly that I came very close to choosing that over my M and my family. I think that is where she is right now. She wants freedom......so I would tell her...there's the door and she can walk out whenever she likes and you won't try to stop her.
You see, she has heard a lot in the MC sessions about how you love her and want the M to work out etc. You have taken the responsibility for your share of the breakdown. So, this would be a shock, I think, for her to see this change in you.
DB does not usually go that route unless it seem useless to continue putting the family through the anguish that yours is going through now.....and there doesn't seem like she plans to changer her mind. So, I think she needs to be away from her great guy for a while. That would be the detachment that might really work. Being under the same roof seems almost impossible for you to detach from her.....and especially with the kids home right now. Your emotions are too unstable to be able to detach with her right there for you to see all the time. It stirs up all the memories and the pain. The main thing that concerns me is that I'm afraid it has affected your physical health now.
Well, just take what I said for what it's worth, but in the end the decision is always up to you. We are just here to offer support and suggestions.
Take very good care and don't forget that doctor's app't. I known....I'm beginning to sound like a nag.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
