Ready for the long ride.

[LucasE]

Hi. I have been drowning my sorrows with all of your stories and now it is my turn.

We met in high school. 1984. We were just friends but I was in love. Eight years later, she called me up. Two years later we were married. 1994. Add a d7 and a s4 and we were a model family. I told a new friend four days before the bomb, that W and I were soul mates.

November 28th, 2007, BOMB. ILYBNILWY. She soon wrote a long letter that defined exactly why she didn't want to be married to me anymore. Usual stuff, I know now, it described an unhappy life together with no communication and no joy. I abandoned her too often for my work. I told her I loved her but I didn't show her. I was only happy at work. The letter was three single spaced typed pages. I read it to a DB coach and she was impressed by a WAW who was so eloquent. I try to find comfort in being on a road so well traveled.

While buying W as many xmas gifts as I could find, I found The DR book. I read it but couldn't suppress my natural responses for another three months. I hit bottom when she discovered my suicide note. I never intended for her to find it but she did and the new cold W could only suggest therapy. She is big on therapy. She went to two sessions with her old therapist before the bomb. Now she goes every week. Mostly to recharge her separation batteries. Wednesdays are usually bad. She invited me to a couple sessions, but he is an analyst of the type Michelle warns us about and I was soon uninvited. We separated but are "bird nesting." Meaning the kids stay in the family home and the parents trade nights.

Now, for two months I have been DBing my arse off. When we worked out the nesting schedule, I wanted to tell d7 what was going on. D7 was fine with it because we seemed fine with it. I used that moment to change. I claimed that once I knew that the kids were going to be all right, I was all right, and it worked. Truth was I wasn't better, but she didn't know that. I backed off, and stopped the pursuit. According to The DR, it is working, but ever so slowly. I am in my version of LRT. I don't call first. GAL is in full effect. I'm in a new band, I go surfing, I have taken control of the children's schooling communications. I am always busy with something. We have to see each other every morning to take one of the kids to school on opposite sides of town, so really separating is not happening. I wonder if this is prolonging the situation. W is cool as a cucumber with absolutely no love for me. I got a hug last month that I have been living off of since, but none recently. She did touch my shoulder last week. Ooooohhhh. That part amazes me. How something I took for granted for 15 years is now so rare and so precious.

I don't like to say MLC. I think it might be just an excuse. However, W dresses up in little girly dresses every day now. High heels. Thin as a rail. Shopping sprees. Lasik. Botox. She wants breast augmentation. She spends hours on the computer, secretly texts on her iPhone, and dumps her husband. Oh, she's weeks away from 40.

I love her. I don't tell her, but I can tell you. I make a list of the good things that have happened as a result of all of this. One, I have changed my priorities for the better. I used to work too much. I now have a tight relationship with s4 that would not have happened. I have maintained and enhanced my relationship with d7. I have a killer body now myself thanks to not eating for 2 months and lots of curls with weights. I have relearned to be nice to everyone and that includes myself. I used to only work or be with my family. Now I have time to myself. And a new one is that I am not living in a marriage where one of the partners is unhappily going through the motions. At least now she is being honest. I think.

I was doing great. Yesterday I got a text from her that said "Hi baby, should I call or are you swamped with work?" I freaked. I called her right away. I knew she had been to her therapist and hoped she had worked something out. She hasn't called me baby since November 20th, 2007. She answered and apologized saying that the text was actually for her sister. Uh..., I've known her sister since 1984. I don't think she ever called her baby before. So now I suspect an OM. Or OW, I'm ready for anything.

Anyhoo, thank you for sharing your hurt. It was MM's recent success that got me started here. My prayers are with you all. Let's take the high road together. Have I said too much? If you are still here, these are my questions: Nah, I think you have already answered my questions. Should I back off? Yes. How do I show her that I will not abandon her again when she doesn't want me around? Now is not the time. Patience, right. Sigh. My life was so killer. I thought. We were married for 13 years so The DR says that I might be back in the saddle around Xmas. Wouldn't that be nice? I am ready for the long ride. help.

Me 41
W 39
d7
s4
M 13
ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007.