Hi there, my first post. I'm 40 she is 41, been married 14 years and have 3 kids 12/8/5. She married an insecure man-child and shed part of herself to appease his fears. After 12 years of full-time motherhood, she decided that she was going to re-discover the lost bits. There is a lot in that one sentence, but the pertinent details are that she is that for a while she has had Tuesday nights out by herself and has developed a social circle consisting of denizens of the local dive bars. One is a 22 year old bus driver and a couple of weeks back she went over to his house to hang out for a while and they ended up making out. I was snooping the e-mail and once I was sure of my facts, I busted her about it and told her that we could divorce right then or she could inform him that there would be no repeat performance. Now, she was scheduled to start a marriage sabbatical the following weekend and she has since moved out and rents a room nearby. She is looking for a job and trying to figure out what she wants with the second half of life. In some ways a classic MLC. In the first 2 weeks, she was here more than she was gone, taking care of the kids etc. As of last Tuesday, I have a system in place for getting the kids home from school, blah blah blah. Now, the thing is, I expected that she would not continue to have any contact with the bus driver. She didn't say that she wouldn't and I didn't make clear my expectation. A week after the incident, I was snooping through her cell phone and I could see that they had a short conversation, and I busted her about it again, and she was more upset about my snooping through her stuff and her lack of privacy. Apparently I have an issue with being controlling. Actually, I do have an issue there and I'm working on it So, I gave her my word that I wouldn't read her e-mails or snoop in her phone. It may not mean much to her, but it is important to me to keep my word. So, I don't read her e-mail or snoop into her phone. But, here is where the quibbling starts. The cell phone bill has the call log and I can see that starting the first day of her sabbatical, they have played phone tag nearly every day (2-3 minute calls) with a couple of longer calls 8&12 minutes. I figure that there are three possibilities: 1) they've become lovers (virtually impossible by my knowledge and estimation) 2) they've reverted to kissing and are enjoying it but haven't gone further (possible, but still very highly unlikely) 3) she has transitioned him back into the platonic friends slot and though he probably would like to ramp things up again, she is better prepared (most likely option and where I put my money). I figure option three based on her responses when I've hinted around about him. In a discussion this evening, she asked if I was ever going to let that go. I replied that it was a big deal to me, but that what I hear her saying is that she feels like I'm continually rubbing her nose in her mistake, and she agreed that was exactly what it feels like.
We are seeing a MC and she is great. I've been working hard on me because that's all I can do. My wife has many issues that she needs to work on and I continually remind myself that just like nagging didn't get her into the gym, nagging her about things like her drinking and the self-image issues that drive her to only feel comfortable generating a social network consisting of dive bar denizens will be counterproductive. I've tried to identify what positive things she gets from going out to the bar and the friends there and then to see if they match areas that I could improve in. For example, I really need to encourage my wife and my kids a lot more. I have a natural tendency to see what else could be improved. So, my plan is to get a life and to work on myself and to design and build such an interesting and exciting life that she will want to be here instead of somewhere else. But, if she still wants to go, the growth will be an extremely attractive package for someone else. Just as an aside, we are going out on the town after our MC appt. next Friday and then she will spend the day with us for Mother's Day. The idea of the sabbatical was launched to duplicate the time away that I had when I moved for work and she stayed behind with the kids for 8 months. So, she calls to talk to us every evening, and after Mother's Day, we will see her again mid-June for my oldest daughter's birthday and then perhaps in August for her birthday or September for my birthday etc.
So, given all of that, why can't I focus on my plan and stop wondering whether she is exercising option 1, 2, or 3? OK, that's a rhetorical question. I know why. The man child never grew up to be comfortable in his own skin and only started growing up last year. So, my socializing skills are pitiful and after putting the kids to bed, I rattle around in the house and that is one area of life that I seriously need to get handled. Meyer-Briggs says I'm an ISTJ. Well, I plan to be the most gregarious and outgoing social butterfly ISTJ that I can be because I am NOT going to sit home with no friends and teach my kids that kind of life.
It sounds like she is craving independence and enjoying life on her own. Two possible outcomes depending on her personality. She will either enjoy her new found freedom and will not want to go back to her old life immediately, or she will realise that single independent life is not all that great. Which outcome will depend on whether she has a man lined up. All you can do is focus on your children and suspend any thoughts of what she may be up to. Just live your life to the max. Life is too short!
So, I gave her my word that I wouldn't read her e-mails or snoop in her phone. It may not mean much to her, but it is important to me to keep my word. So, I don't read her e-mail or snoop into her phone. But, here is where the quibbling starts. The cell phone bill has the call log and I can see that starting the first day of her sabbatical, they have played phone tag nearly every day (2-3 minute calls) with a couple of longer calls 8&12 minutes. I figure that there are three possibilities: 1) they've become lovers (virtually impossible by my knowledge and estimation) 2) they've reverted to kissing and are enjoying it but haven't gone further (possible, but still very highly unlikely) 3) she has transitioned him back into the platonic friends slot and though he probably would like to ramp things up again, she is better prepared (most likely option and where I put my money). I figure option three based on her responses when I've hinted around about him. In a discussion this evening, she asked if I was ever going to let that go. I replied that it was a big deal to me, but that what I hear her saying is that she feels like I'm continually rubbing her nose in her mistake, and she agreed that was exactly what it feels like.