You cannot accept it. You're hurt and angry, and you've every right. It's a rip off. you said "for better or worse, in good times and in bad" and this is the bad times, and he is walking.
Rip. Off.
NO, it is not DBing to refuse to discuss mediation. I know it stinks but you're here. Dissuading him is not going to happen. What you can do now is show him your best self. Your best. No breakdowns. No pleading. No avoiding. Face the situation head on.
This does not mean you have to like it. Nor does it mean you have to assist, to move everything along. But seems to me you cannot avoid it completely.
OK, time to stop and take stock. What do you want? what are your goals? and How can you get from here to there?
I suppose your goal is to stave off, delay, defer, or avoid a divorce. Good for you. Saying yes to beginning mediation does not mean saying yes to divorce.
You can apply your goals within your mediation process. How?
First, you're going to educate yourself on mediation - what it is, how it works, why people do it, when it "works", when it "does not work", what a successful mediation looks like, what a failed mediation looks like, how much it costs, how long it takes, what the alternatives are, and so on. Get some books, go to the library. ask around.
This research will take some time, and it will unavoidably, regrettably delay the initial appointment for a while. Then you might have a conflict with a play at school, then maybe another conflict. You will earnestly look for a time to meet the mediator but it will difficult to find a time. All the while you are looking good, smiling, whistling, DBing.
Then you're gonna go to his appointment. you will meet this person. With your knowledge, you will ask informed questions about the style of the mediator, how it works and so on. You will come away with some concerns about this person, honest concerns. You will share your concerns calmly with your H, tell him you don't quite feel comfortable with this person, would he mind if you set up some interviews with other mediators? This is all very fast, you'll say. We should be thoughtful here.
Then, you will take charge. You take charge of the mediation, and you control the pace. Controlling the pace means you can make it go slow or fast. You choose. In the beginning taking charge means that you suggest to your sweetheart that you will begin selecting mediators for interviews. How long can the two of you take interviewing mediators? I'll bet there are hundreds in your town to choose from! I'll bet they all have different styles. Interviewing one per week - it could take a long time to get through a list at that rate. I'll bet it will take some time to find one you feel like you can trust, you can work with, in such a delicate matter. You may want to find one that is associated to a church, or one that shares your view of divorce. One that believes in marriage and that mediation or separation is a last resort. One that believes in patience. One that supports your goal of delay, defer, avoid. You should be up-front about your goals when you interview, but also you should ask for their discretion (don't want to show cards to hubby). Some of them will accept this condition, some will not.
Some of the interviews will cost you money. Some will not. You will pay the money, after talking to your H about the cost of interviewing these people. Don't be afraid to pay the money. One goal might be to show him that even mediation is going to cost a lot of money, if you have to pay even to interview these people. You won't say that of course, you will let him draw his own conclusion.
Ok, that takes you 4 weeks, 6 weeks, maybe more. Now you have a mediator.
At the same time you have, for yourself, done a similar interview process with attorneys. If this is hard then you will bring your best friend or sister along with you for support during these interviews. And you will pick an attorney and discuss your options. You will be up front and tell your attorney (a) that you don't want a divorce, and (b) that you don't want to be disadvantaged if you do get a divorce.
You will begin socking away some money, enough to put a retainer together, like $2000 or so, maybe $4000. Maybe you borrow the money. Maybe you have a credit card you can give to your attorney.
And then you can brainstorm with this attorney. You'll need one that is familiar with mediation and in favor of it. You'll maybe interview a number of attorneys, too. (When I did this I had to take anti-nausea drugs so I wouldn't puke in their offices.)
You can do some research and find out what a divorce typically costs. You can decide what you want to do with that information. You can share it directly. Or maybe indirectly - leave a printout lying around. Maybe there are other options.
You can seek counsel with your pastor, or with other marriage support groups. I have a faith-based marriage counselor in my area who knew mediators that were on the side of marriage.
I know all of this is horrible. It is like a worst case scenario and you do not want to go here. LMG, I hear ya. I know you. You and I think alike. BUT, you are not in full control here over whether your divorce will happen or not. Whether it is pleasant or not, you need to prepare for this. It's like life insurance - it does not insure any life at all. It is for the horrible and undesired eventuality that you die early. You don't like to think about it, but you get life insurance for yourself anyway, because you want to take care of your kids financially if you can't be around them.
And in the same way you'll go to an attorney, even if it is a worst-case scenario, because you need to take care of yourself if your marriage is no longer around. This is for you.
The next thing you are gonna do is call the DB coaches. You'll spend the $400 on the 3 sessions. Talk to some of the good people on the phone. They are very helpful. This is expensive but is worth it as an investment in your future. Totally worth it. You can brainstorm with these people too. If you had to spend $1200 to get a chance to save your marriage, would you? I would, in a heartbeat. And so you won't be afraid to spend the money.
The next thing you'll do is get yourself a massage or a facial or a manicure or a spa weekend. Because you deserve it. And because you need your strength and power to continue on the path.
And as you go, you will see other paths open up to you. Your mediator may suggest Retrouvaille as a mechanism to learn to be civil to each other during the mediation process. Many couples go to Retrouvaille intent on separation and divorce, with the goal of learning how to communicate better during the divorce process. But once they communicate better, they find they don't want the divorce. But if you go this route you will not tip your cards. You will suggest Retrouvaille only as a way to learn better communicate skills to facilitate the divorce.
Ok, I just told you a bunch of stuff, the whole plan rests on these kinds of ideas: - accept his wishes as peacefully as you can - control what you can - minimize conflict - even over things like "should we go to mediation or not?" - agree with everything you can - try to manage the pace of things - do not say the word divorce - do not get comfortable with the term - keep yourself strong - protect yourself
But of course this is just a suggestion. I am no expert. I seriously suggest you talk to the DB coaches first - they are pros.
Last edited by SirPrizeMe; 05/02/0802:47 AM.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
