Joie I have given it some thought but H and I are a LONG way from piecing still. I believe I know what I need to change and have already started working on it. NOt so sure H know's what I expect from him. So far it's still all about him and what he wants. I know I want and need more help with our son, more family time and more time with just H. He has always been selfish with his time and he is going to have to change in order for this is work
so I got the new cell phone bill 2 days ago. H is still calling OW about 15-20 times a day!!!!!!!!! Confronted him about it and of course I got the "it's not what you think". Says he is only talking to her and calling so much because he is staying away. WHATEVER...so H called me a million times the night I found out...then yesterday he called me 3 times at work, once at home and sent me flowers to work. Oh and he came over early in the am before I left. Says how sorry he is and that he didnt realize he was calling her that much...HOW can you not know??????
Now I am really confused more than ever and dont know what to do. I think maybe I need to distance myself for a while. I'm tired of being hurt and dissapointed and if I am not around him I cant be dissapointed right? H says he is coming over tonight to see S19mo as we will be gone for 4 days visting my family...any advice Joie?????? I feel like I am becoming a doormat for him
so I got the new cell phone bill 2 days ago. H is still calling OW about 15-20 times a day!!!!!!!!! Confronted him about it and of course I got the "it's not what you think". Says he is only talking to her and calling so much because he is staying away.
I think it's exactly what you think! That is so lame. The whole thing from what I've read here is that when the WAS has contact with the OW (both phone and in person) that they are right back to where they started in the process. I don't think you can really work on a relationship when your H is so involved with the OW. I do think you should work on detaching from your H. Instead of flowers, I think your H needs to have NO contact with the OW including phone. Otherwise, I think you are right about detaching. You can't work on a marriage when 3 people are involved! Karen
Hi, Well, I have to admit that 15+ phone calls to her certainly doesn't sound like he is breaking things off with her. But on the other hand, he seems to be warming up more to you lately. It's interesting that he sent you flowers after he got busted. Very positive actually. He knows he's messed up.
I think detaching/distancing is a good thing. You've put on the charm with him for a few weeks, and saw improvement, if you back off now, he should get the message.
Karen is right about the contact. If he was honest about trying to end it with OW, but still has that much contact, he's not going anywhere (with ending it). Did the previous month's bill have fewer calls on it?
H and I had a good talk last night. He clamis that he has not been over to OW house in at least a month..the only times he has seen her is at work. Also says they dont talk R talk anymore either about them or us. Claims he really didnt realize how much he was calling her and says he has not called her since I got the bill. He says he is afraid to screw up because he wont get another chance. Says things are different btw him and OW and it's not like it was before. I'm not sure I really believe that crap but he does seem to be sincere about working on our M. So I told him exactly what I need and expect from him and although it's only been two days so far so good. Alot of things were said when we talked and it's the first time I feel like he has really listened to me and not been defensive. Says he is going to try harder. I'm going out of town for a few days so I think it will be a nice break for me. This is the first time I have really told him what I need from him so now there should be no excuse either he does it or he dosent.
As for the phone bill no it's been about the same all along but I really thought this one would be different by the way he was acting with me.
I'm really glad to hear you got to have a real talk. If you go too long without any R talks, you begin to wonder if you're spinning your wheels. I think the timing was great. You've had some good weeks of DB, some productive one on one time with him, etc. He got a glimpse of what he's missing. He sure sounds like he is sincere. Time will tell ... as well as his actions.
So I already typed an update and some how it's gone so i'm starting over.
H and I had a really good talk. First time I felt like he was really listening to me and didnt get defensive. I told him exactly what i need and expect from him (which I should have done a long time ago and never did). H swears "it's not what I think" Says they are just friends and he knows he needs to cut that off. Says he has not seen her in at least a month other than at work (but has gone to her work to see her), has not stayed at her house and gave her back her house key. Says they dont have any R talks, about them or us. H said he honestly didnt realize he was calling her so much and has not called her since I got the bill. I dont know how much of this I believe but he has been making steps in the right direction to work on our M lately. So I guess I will see. It's only been 2 days but so far he has done the things I have asked of him. I guess now that he knows what I need and expect there are no more excuses. I told him things that pertained to us, our marriage and our family. Didnt get into OW but he knows where I stand there too. I feel a sense of relief after talking with him, just to get this off my chest and out in the open. Plus to hear where he is coming from and what he is thinking good. I am going out of town for a few days so I think it will be a good break for both us. As for the phone bill....it's been about the same past 3 months or so. Havent noticed any changes either way. H swears it will be different next month but I have heard that several times before.
That is so lame. The whole thing from what I've read here is that when the WAS has contact with the OW (both phone and in person) that they are right back to where they started in the process. I don't think you can really work on a relationship when your H is so involved with the OW. I do think you should work on detaching from your H. Instead of flowers, I think your H needs to have NO contact with the OW including phone. Otherwise, I think you are right about detaching. You can't work on a marriage when 3 people are involved! 
Karen