Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

Well, here I am again. What a day...

MC was so difficult today. I was doing so well... Let me journal.

Got to MC and I started off with what my DB coach suggested, basically that I "get it", which I do. I was not going to talk about R if I could help it, tried to be an active listener. Basically W says I fell in love with OM and out of love with you. I know OM is not an option, and I just want to be alone. I hate hurting you, but I need to be happy myself and I don't want to come back just to settle. We could "totally be friends" and she would like this. She said I she has seen all these postive changes in me, becoming the "super husband" and it just doesn't matter - there just isn't any love there anymore.

I basically said that all these changes are for me. She brought up going to the store last night. I said we were out of milk, water and fruit, I got you ice cream becuase you were having a horrible day. She talked about how I touched her hips on Sunday night when I was cooking dinner two or three times - I have ALWAYS done that - I do that with the kids and even my parents - I always thought it was a nice way to say "you are in my way" as I am cooking dinner. Then the MC kept pushing on how were we when we first got married - W and I agreed we were very happy and just spent a ton of time together, you all know the story... Well then W said that she just felt this amazing feeling with OM and that there is no way she could ever feel this with me and she wanted out. MC asked my feelings and I held my composure, but as I was trying to explain my feelings, the MC said you love her - I said I always have and always will. Then W started going on about how she knows how I feel about her breaking this off - I said you do not know how it feels to have the person that you have been telling them you love them until about 6 weeks ago stops. She tried to compare to her parting with OM and the great loss she felt with him. I listened and said I am sure that is very difficult for you, but you still have no idea how I feel - even the MC agreed.

I do think this MC is a pro-marriage MC. She kept saying that even though W is saying she wants out, she is confused, otherwise she would be gone. W said if I could find a way, she would move... WTF!!! This is killing me.

I was very composed during the session, no tears, I was trying to be confident and not cocky. This just tore me apart. She was very honest during the MC session. She said that love really isn't a choice, sometimes it just comes to you - the MC challenged her a bit saying "so if it comes to you, can you choose it?" She said you just don't understand.

I am dying guys. I thought I did really well everything being considered, then I went out and hit a bucket of balls with a friend and had a beer.

I will pick myself back up in a bit, but this just sucks. It is so hard to look at W during MC and thinking - I AM RIGHT HERE - I am a good man, a nice man, what are you doing. She even said that I am like the perfect guy - a lot of good that is doing me.

I know, patience. The counselor asked a few more questions and then said - are you hopeful - I said of course I am, I am not giving up - then W said she is not and in a different place than me. She just wants to be alone.

Somebody tell me this is a good sign!

CBK