Bring on the Rain

[SueS]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

mcojh- I have to say what I told my best friend today. I just have so many things on my mind right now that I can't wrap it around anything else right now. I can't hurt my child and not let her go see her grandpa & cousin. I feel weak and lost, but I feel it's better right now to go along than to put up a fight. I'm stronger overall, but for some reason, the past few weeks have been tough for me and I don't have the strength to fight this fight with him right now. Ask me in a few weeks when I have some of my finances in order and off my mind and can replace those thoughts with others.

Sara- Maybe it was his way of teasing, but I sure didn't get that from his tone of voice. 3 years ago he was very down & depressed because he wasn't working & had just been rejected from a position he'd applied for. We'd just moved to MN. He threatened to move back to IL and take D4 with. My "mommy" feelings kicked into gear. I took her and left. I took his phone calls & met him the next day, but refused to bring D4 with me. That feeling flashed through me again today. I felt threatened.

tal- His family has an idea of what's going on. My BIL & SIL really know a lot more. In talking to a good friend today, she made me start thinking. I think that he knows how it will look if I don't come down with him. It will make him look bad. The family will KNOW that there are problems beyond what they already suspect. Me coming along isn't just for a babysitter, it's to put off the inevitable of telling his family and to make him look good.

I guess what I'll do is make the best of it for D4. Maybe I'll take her on a train ride downtown Chicago and to Navy Pier. Or, meet SIL (she works in Chicago) for lunch or talk her into taking 1/2 day off and we can ride home with her. I'd like to see some friends too. I won't see much of H anyway. He plans on being with his friends on Friday & his brother on Saturday.

Oh yeah.....H said he talked to his brother and as a special treat, they'll do a cookout for SIL & I for Mother's Day. Guess maybe H did feel like a bit of an a$$ for being the way he was.

Thanks everyone. As always, you were a big help.

SueS

[SweetRedd]

Sue,

Why are you allowing your H to bully you into going with him? I understand that you want to make things as easy as you can for your D4, but wasn't the last time you spent with BIL, SIL and the cousins a nightmare? Didn't he get so drunk that he laid on D4? He has no more right to make decisions concerning her than you do. What if you wanted to take her to spend the weekend with your Mom and Dad? Is he going to be sensitive to your desires over the weekend? If you need a ride to see a friend, will he blow it off again, or make sure you get the opportunity?

It really, really bothers me to hear you saying "he refused me to take D4 with me" and "I felt threatened". Why are you allowing him to control and threaten you? I think by now, worse case scenario, you have enough documented to prove that he's an unfit parent if you needed to. This is the man who can't manage to pay her daycare, and looking for flights to go have a good time for the weekend? On top of that he's is manipulating you to go along to save face and make it easier for him. Ick.

I agree... it's time to start thinking of protecting your rights, especially as a mother. If you allow him to use D4 as a pawn in his sick game now, it'll only continue. What's he going to do when you start living apart? I'd be very wary of sending a message that he can use your daughter to gain control and get his way. It won't make a very good life for you or for her.

Hugggggs. I hope I wasn't too harsh, but dangit! it bothers me to see you allowing him to continue treating you and D4 like crap. You are WAY too precious to be treated this way. You deserve to have a break from it, especially on Mother's day.

Sheila

[LL44]

Thought of you since Rules was on. LOVE IT!!!

Others have said everything needed, but what I wonder is *why* he wants you and D4 along? Couldn't he just be 'free' like he wants the entire weekend? My guess is he didn't remember it was Mothers Day before you mentioned it.

Sue I am so sorry. And I want you to know I know what you mean about cleaning up the small messes to get 'rid' of the big mess.

HUGS!

[Yoyowife]

((((((Sue)))))))
I don't like what your H is doing to you, but do what feels most comfortable to you. If that means going just to be with you DD, then that is the right choice for you. I'm sorry he is acting like an a$$ as usual.

Hugs, Yoyo

[SueS]

Hello everyone-

Well, I kind of thought that my days of crying uncontrollably were over. Guess not!

I picked D4 up from school and she began telling me about her daddy taking her to McDonalds for breakfast & to play. She said, we saw daddy's friend there. She giggled and said, his girlfriend. Then she told me that she'd played with her little girl and said her name. Yep, H took D4 to meet OW. I about lost it. I kept fairly calm around D4 and just asked her a few little questions. When we got home I called H.

Me: Are you going to be home right after work?
H: I think so, why?
Me: I want to talk to you.
H: About what?
Me: (Lost it!!) What the hell were you thinking? Did you think that D4 wouldn't tell me about what you two did this morning?
H: What about it?
Me: What are you trying to do? She's going to be confused enough without you bringing her around OW.
H: Well, do you think she won't spend time around her in the future?
Me: I understand that, but doing it now while you and I are still living together is just not good for her. It confuses her.
H: I swear I didn't say anything to D4. I just acted like we ran into them.
Me: I don't care. It's still not good. She's smart and she catches on to these things.
Me: We need to talk about everything. When do you want to do that?
H: Whenever you want.
Me: Let's try this weekend.
H: Okay.
Me: Are you still going to live with your friend right away?
H: Yeah, for a while.
Me: What's a while?
H: I don't know.
Me: (crying) H, I'm not happy with all of this. I hate that it's come to this but I get it. I've accepted it. I know you don't want this anymore. I know you don't love me.
H: That's not what I've said. I do love you. I'm just not in love with you. I don't hate you Sue.
Me: I know. I just want you to know that I don't like this at all, but I don't want it to be messy.
H: It won't be. And besides, I thought you'd be the one to make it messy.
Me: Why? How does that help me or D4?
H: To get back at me. Because you have a lot of friends and family that probably think I'm an F'ing ba$tard for what I've done and they're probably right. I thought they'd be putting thoughts into your head.
Me: H, I'm a grown woman. I know you think that my friends and family have a lot of influnce on me, but I make my own decisions and I do it based on what's best for me and D4. No one else is going to live my life for me.
H: I know.
Me: H, I want us to be able to have good, decent conversations in the future without having anger toward each other. If things get messy, that can't happen.
H: And we can still do that.
Me: I want D4 to be able to have time with both of us together from time to time.
H: She will. I won't abandon you Sue.
H: I have to go (he was at work). I'll talk to you later.
Me: Okay.

So, that had me crying for about an hour. I couldn't help it. It just kept coming and coming. There was no hiding it from D4. She either heard my conversation or something more happened this morning because she kept telling me not to cry because it was only dad's friend.

I don't know, maybe reality struck me a little tonight. It was hard for me because H was in the bedroom this morning trying to get me to have sex (I declined) and then I found out that he met OW for breakfast. What is happening in that mind of his? Blecky!!

Well, I need to go take something for the headache I know have!!

Thanks for listening!!

SueS

[LL44]

Oh Sue, cry cry cry. You are entitled today. Not only did OW (blecky) get the undeserved pleasure of meeting your beautiful D4, your H did it behind your back and defended his actions with lame excuses.

Look at your conversation. Sue, you were so very strong, I think you probably surprised the heck out of your H. KUDOS!! I love that you stood up for yourself, for your D4, heck even for your R with H, even if it means that you want to continue to be peaceful with him for D4's sake. You were putting D4 first.

I am just so sorry. Make sure you to remind D4 she did nothing wrong, and that you are happy and that you and Daddy love her. But you already knew that!!!

Super hugs girl.

[JoieDeVivre]

What LWB said, as usual, she said it perfectly! I agree that what you said to your H was perfect. Best of all, at least there is a little bit of conscience in him if he thinks that family and friends are calling him a f'ing ba$tard, and they're probably right.

More hugs from me...

[Yoyowife]

(((((((Sue))))))),
I don't think I can say much more than LWB and Joie, I agree with them. I just sending you lots of hugs. I'm so sorry honey, you do not deserve this. Cry all you want, I would do the same thing.

Hugs, Yoyo

[NoCodeBlues]

(((((((Sue)))))))

[Sara]

Sorry Sue, he is a rat.