Finding DB late in the game #4

[MichelleLT]

Hmm, I'm sure some will disagree with me, but I'd say it's okay to say yes to things when he asks, but not to ask to stay.

Have you thought about looking for a part-time job? Are both your kids in school yet?

[cw68]

The job thing's complicated. I work a few hours a week at our gym, and do a little childcare. This summer I may be working 20 hours a week at a camp and the kids will get free camp. My son is in kinder and daughter in 1st. Once son is in 1st, a job will be easier to swing.

That said, I'm trying not to work so that should he divorce me I won't have much income and hopefully I'd get enough maintenance to allow me to go back to school to prepare for completely supporting myself. It's advice that lawyer friends have given me. So, basically, I'm trying to hold off on that. That's just part of it. With all the changes going on in my kids' lives, I didn't want to add childcare to that since they've never had to go before.

[MichelleLT]

No, I definitely understand that.

Hopefully by the time S is in 1st grade you will know something one way or the other lol.

What would you go to school for?

[cw68]

I think I'd go back to be an x-ray tech. I never finished college and haven't worked in seven years. The bulk of my career is in marketing/pr/package design and the area in which I live is not a good place for those skills. Schooling to get your certification isn't expensive and only takes two years. When you're done, you get a good pay, lots of employment (esp. as our population ages), good hours and insurance benefits. I have asthma and a very high breast cancer risk and cannot go without insurance; getting it on my own would be tres expensive. Honestly, I'm not that excited about x-rays, but I think it would be a very smart move on my part that I'd be happy with long-term.

[MichelleLT]

That sounds like it could be a very rewarding career. Always good to have a plan.

[cw68]

Yeah, I plan on smacking H upside the head... whoops. Didn't say that.

[MichelleLT]

I didn't hear anything........

[cw68]

Breakfast was a very good move. Got an email later in the day from H stating that he was in a really good mood, that breakfast started his day off right. I'm glad I came. I enjoyed it, too, and I see that this is the kind of things that H thought marriage was made of. It's something I can do, and that I should have done more often.

H stopped by this afternoon to switch from his car to his motorcycle (which he didn't end up doing) and before he came he called my cell twice and left a message at home asking me if I wanted anything from Starbucks. I was working out and didn't have my cell with me, so I couldn't answer. (I'm not bringing my cell everywhere because then I can't answer all of his calls. I have a hard time not answering them.)

Tomorrow's his birthday fun. I'll let y'all know how that goes.

[cw68]

Journaling:

Today was my H's birthday celebration day (actual b-day tomorrow, he's out of town for work). It went well. H enjoyed yoga, felt very relaxed after his massage, we all had fun putt putt golfing and going to the range. (Love my new clubs!) Then came back for dinner and my H's friends kept trickling in to wish him well. He was surprised and I think most of him liked it, though I think part of him was a little off at first.

Just a very picky little note here. As I said, I invited H's friends. One friend from college, but the rest are his friends that he's been hanging with the past couple of years. Two couples I am also friendly with, but mostly they are "H's" friends. We are pretty middle class. We do well, but not extremely well and are, for the most part, pretty smart and conservative with our money. "My" friends, and "our" old friends, drive mini-vans or other mellow, more family-oriented cars. Of H's friends tonight, one had children, that's the college friend. All the others are childless and the cars they came in were a Porsche convertible, a Mercedes AMG, Range Rover LR2 and his/her Ducatis. The front of our house looked like a valet parking area! These people are very nice, don't get me wrong, but our life just can't compare with these people's lives. It's very frustrating. One couple just got back from Italy, another from Scotland and another couple, who own a B&B in our area, is looking at buying a B&B in the South of France. Sorry H, but you are the father of two kids and the H of a SAHM. While the SAHM part may change if we get divorced, the rest won't and with child support and spousal maintenance, you won't be living these lives, even though they do sound enjoyable.

After the party and putting the kids to bed, H and I both melted down. He was very open for him, though that didn't mean he said much. H gave as much as he could and I'm very happy for that. I, of course, was a lot more open, but I tried to focus it on me and my feelings/growth, not our R or my expectations of him or our R. I did mention that while the end of July is pretty far away in some respects, I assumed that he was thinking about it like I was and that I am OK with him moving back into the guest room, that that was an option.

One of the big things I wanted him to realize is that unlike my thoughts of months ago, I know that things are not going to be "right" in an instant. That I know he's not ready to decide anything and that he may not decide to come back at all, but that I know he's showing me by his actions that he's working on us, that he wants us to work even though he can't just say words to that effect. I told him that he's safe with me, that he can upset me, make me hurt, make me angry and I'm still with him. He honestly hasn't ever felt that in his life before and he even said so in mentioning his relationship with him Mom.

So he thanked me for telling him that moving back into the house, but not moving back into our bedroom, is an option. I would really like to get rid of the apartment, but understand the need for space and that we needed this growth. My thinking is that if we can get to the point where we are all living in the same house, getting to the point where we are a cohesive unit would be easier.

Who knows. All I know is that we hugged and cried more tonight that we have in a while. I felt good in that I was able to realize what my H was feeling vs. just telling him what I thought he should feel. I was honest and open in my thoughts and desires (probably to an anti-DBing point, but nothing out of hand) yet I wasn't judgmental or critical. My hopes are that H can see that I have changed, that I'm not just posturing myself. I have changed. I've grown, I've expanded and I am a better person because of this and I told him so.

In as much as I wish this hadn't ever happened, it has been a good thing for me. I just hope it can be a good thing for us, for our family.

[cw68]

I should add that I did a very DBing thing and verbalized that I know I'd be OK without him, even with me wanting us to stay together. He said that he saw that, that he had noticed that.