I was so busy yesterday and today has been hectic as well. I'm finally able to sit down and recap the events from yesterday (eventhough I should be correcting these AP History 2nd semester study guides, but I can always get back to that in a second...).
So, I last told you about the BRATZ doll text and then seeing the letters from her parents, sister and the OM all using 2nd-hand information that wasn't true. It hurt and still stings a bit, but I did move on. The real trick will be in weathering the upcoming storm I'll be getting from W very soon.
I had sent her a reply e-mail on the doll telling her I'd not be buying her another one as I now know she disaproves of it and she sent a reply thanking me for acknowledging her concerns about the doll and then asked again "didn't you think it looked slutty?" I answered her w/ "I really wasn't focusing on the doll as I just grabbed it and paid for it." No reply on that.
I met w/ my L for an 1 1/2 hours yesterday afternoon and we went over everything I had thus far. He said he didn't find any "smoking guns" in any of the e-mails which was a good thing for us. He also suggested that we depose W and get her to state her claims about me on the record. I wish we didn't have to do this process, but she's painting a very negative and extremely untrue picture of who I am, so I really don't have much choice.
Now I'm preparing for the explosion that is sure to come from W when she finds out she's being called in w/ her L to the office of my L to give her deposition about what she's written and told people. I'll be there w/ my L and there will be a court reporter on hand to take down everything for the legal record. It will be expensive (about $4-$5K), but I think I need to get it done to clear up the record.
I'm still going to try and have my L keep the questioning on the line of proving I'm a good father rather than she is a bad mother. I'm not planning on mentioning her hysterectomy and what she was "discovering" in her counseling, unless I have to. Instead, I'm going to have him defend me against the abuse charges, the "forcible rape", the non-disciplining of my D, my wanting to bankrupt her for revenge, and things of that nature. I don't want to start a fight, but rather, I'm just looking to defend myself and stand up for me. I'm still uneasy about it, but I'm pretty sure it is what I have to do at this stage. I may never be able to DB again, but I have to focus on taking care of my D and of me before any DBing could ever work.
After the L, I went to the gym and got a good workout. While I was exercising, D called one minute apart and left me some messages to call her. I rang her up at 7:15 and we talked for about 7 minutes. W called at 8:30 to tell me D had accidentially said the "f-word" and didn't know why it was bad as she was working on the "f/ph" sound in her phonics work. W kept saying on the phone, "I just want Daddy to know so he won't yell at you if you say it on accident."
I told D that I wouldn't yell at her if she said a bad word, but I'd just remind her that we don't say those words and why. I even got W to verbally say "Daddy won't yell at you D" at one point, but usually she kept using the phrase "so Daddy won't yell at you" or "so Daddy won't get mad at you."
I kept politely correcting W telling her I don't yell at D and wouldn't when it was appropriate. Overall, I just tried to calm down D and reassure her she wasn't in trouble b/c I know she's a very good girl who tries really, really hard all the time to be good and that I love her very much.
We hung up and I began working on correcting the AP US History 2nd Semester Study Guides so I could get them back to tomorrow so they can study for their upcoming test on Friday, May 9th. That is a HUGE task that kept me up way too late (and I just finished today), so I'm very tired today.
So, that is where I'm at. I've got some of my family writing me letters of recommendation that stick to the facts only and discuss what they've witnessed personally of me as a person, husband, and father. Those should be coming in to me in the next few days, so I'll add them to the ones I've sent in already. I didn't go w/ family writing letters b/c of their potential bias, but since W is submitting some, I might as well too. The difference will be mine will be factual and not hearsay.
I'm uneasy about desposing her legally, but I have to keep remembering that this is what she created, not me. I'm playing by her rules in this game and they aren't the ones I was hoping for. However, this is the game we're playing now, so I need to play to win. The ultimate prize is fair time w/ my D, so there is no way I can quit and no way I can't take this step.
I'm wondering when the other shoe will drop from W. She should be hearing about the deposition today sometime.
Good luck with everything. You are fighting so hard to see your d and my WAH is still only seeing ours twice a week and the visits are getting shorter and shorter. He told me once before that he was trying not to bond with her so he would not miss her but claims that he has bonded with her now.
Considering filing for D myself as a last resort as h is disappearing and drifting further away but this is not what I really want but nothing else is working.
I'm still going to try and have my L keep the questioning on the line of proving I'm a good father rather than she is a bad mother. I'm not planning on mentioning her hysterectomy and what she was "discovering" in her counseling, unless I have to. Instead, I'm going to have him defend me against the abuse charges, the "forcible rape", the non-disciplining of my D, my wanting to bankrupt her for revenge, and things of that nature. I don't want to start a fight, but rather, I'm just looking to defend myself and stand up for me. I'm still uneasy about it, but I'm pretty sure it is what I have to do at this stage. I may never be able to DB again, but I have to focus on taking care of my D and of me before any DBing could ever work.
Not wanting to attack your wife is honorable. Having said that, trust your lawyer's judgement. Let him do what he thinks is necessary to achieve your goal--equal time with your D.
Welcome aboard. I'm sorry to hear your H wants little to see of his D. My L told me that was the norm for most men who seem to want to detach from their children. I don't get it, but I think it is some type of a male defense mechanism we all have buried w/in us. I'll admit I've thought of quitting and running as well, but I can't and won't. I have to be able to tell my D that I tried everything, so that is why I'm going to do the deposition w/ my W.
As for your filing, I'd be sure you're ready for the consequences and not just use it to get him to react. The hope is he'll react, but the other alternative is he'll accept the D and move further away. Just be careful. I'm in the D stage right now and I hate it. If you can hold off, I'd urge you to do it. However, ultimately, the choice needs to be yours and yours alone.
I'll leave the plan of action up to my L, but I'm sure hoping we can focus on me and not have to sling any mud. However, as you pointed out, most wars aren't won through diplomacy alone, so I'll most likely need to fire some bullets of my own here.
I'm doing this for my D. I'm going to do my best to continue to DB as much as I can through this, but the ultimate goal is equal time w/ my D, so that is my focus. I'm steadily bracing myself for the firestorm that will come from my W when she discovers our request for her legally binding deposition.
As for AP testing season, I too am so glad when it ends. This is the only time of the year in AP US History I can show movies. We watch 2-3 films (depending on time) and I have them write essays on them as their final. I like it b/c it lets me relax after a stressful year of pushing them to finish learning everything. However, I can't be in that "relaxation" mode until after my test on the 9th. Then I'll be truly hanging out.
Today W sent me an e-mail w/ a story of a little girl who was injured by sitting on one of those water jets that spray straight up 10-15 feet at those water parks. I thanked W for alerting me to the possibility of D getting injured as D and I are constantly in the pool or water parks during the summer. W replied back w/ more brief commentary on the same subject and I did the same. Not much to report, but it is civil communication to say the least.
I'm beginning to feel better about having W come in and answer questions on the record. I mean, what did she really expect me to do when I saw the letters that were written and what they said about me? Did she not think I'd see them and they'd only go to the parenting evaluator? If so, she has a poor L. I'm not too sure of the strength of her L anyway, b/c his cover letter to the parenting evaluator said the letters are character references and also contain "facts that may be relevant to your decision." Wouldn't a good L know that hear-say is inadmissable? I would think so. Even if the items in the letters from W's family were true (WHICH THEY ARE NOT), they still couldn't be considered b/c they are 2nd hand information.
So, even though I'm saddened by the letters and not looking forward to the anger tsunami that will hit me soon, I know I'm justified in what I'm doing and I'm not doing this out of revenge. What would it say about me if I allowed these charges to be placed on me and did not seek to get them overturned? How could I answer my D's questions in the future? How could I prove to her that the statements were lies and half-truths if I didn't fight them?
I guess I could just take the OJ approach and look for my wife's killer on the golf courses of Florida. That worked well for everyone's belief in his innocense.
Well, I've got to go to an awards dinner where I'm introducing five senior scholars. I hope the food is good and the ceremony is quick b/c I'm dead tired from yesterday. Just plain worn out.
RTL, Continue to fight for the truth. I have had to tackle some things in my D that have helped get over the accusations and make me a better person. As long as you continue to learn and grow from all of this it will only make you as a person better.
A co-worker of mine told me that you really do not know a person until you divorce them. When I filed, I did not want to continue the R with my STBX becuase it was not the person that I married. Now after 4 months of processing, there is no way I would want to rekindle things because of who I have found her out to be. If she did come back and want to work it out I would defintiely consider it for the sake of our S but there would have to be so many changes on her part that the chances are between slim and none...
Keep your focus on you and your D, that will help you push on. I have made an effort to try and make my S life as stable as possible and continue to build the relationship that when the time comes that he begins to ask questions about all of this that he will know I am telling him the truth. Do the same with your D and there eventually will be a time where they will not take sides but they will be able to decide for themselves who is more trustworthy...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
You are absolutely correct. I will keep fighting for the truth and will ultimately leave the decisions on what to ask up to my L as he is the one w/ experience. However, I do want to keep it as focused on me as possible and won't look to fight w/ her if that is at all possible. I really don't want to sling mud and will do whatever I can to stay on the high road.
W tried to call me at 7:25 last night and since I was at that awards dinner I had to scramble from my table to answer the phone, but I didn't get it in time. W didn't leave a message and I tried to call back immediately, but she didn't answer. I left a message for D, but W never called back. Instead, at a little after 9, she sent a text asking "where does D sleep when she stays w/ you?". I didn't reply last night, but did send her this e-mail today:
Quote:
I fell asleep very early last night so I didn't get your text until this morning. To answer your text question, D spends the night in her bed. Twice she's fallen asleep in my bed, but she's always moved to her room right after she was out.
I'm sorry I missed your call yesterday. I picked up too late on your call and did call back and leave a message. It is important for me to be able to speak to D every night, so I missed hearing her voice last night. You can play my voice mail message for her and let her know I'll call her tonight.
We are meeting at 9 am tomorrow, correct? What is our pick-up location and is drop off at 5 pm on Sunday as usual?
Hope you have a good end of the week.
She hasn't replied and I'm pretty sure she won't do so until she has a chance to get me on the phone tonight when I call for D. I'll be sure to record our conversation as I'm sure she'll be filled w/ venom from the deposition. I'm guessing she received word of it yesterday which is why she didn't allow me to talk w/ D last night and why she sent off the angry text. Again, I'll prep myself for the call and have the recorder handy and on.
I am trying to hold on but I dont know if i am flogging a dead horse. If you get a chance you can look at my posts on oh so complicated in infidelity forum and you can give me the male perspective of where you think i stand. I listen to peoples advice but at the end of the day i follow my own heart.
So sorry you are going through all of this. Stay strong.
