Today is the baby's first birthday. What a difference a year makes! I continue to be amazed with him. He is definitely a miracle.
What a hard year it has been for this family. I guess I can't blame my H for wanting to escape. I want to escape, too, sometimes. Of course, he could've found a healthier way to do it. Maybe I escaped in my own unhealthy ways. We both were hurting or scared but didn't cling to each other to get through it.
We've talked a few times today. He's trying really hard to try to get up here for the baby's birthday party Saturday. His tire blew last night and the others were in pretty bad shape, too. So he had to get new tires today. Today is pay day and it usually doesn't go well because we don't agree with how the money is distributed and too many times, he has messed up/with my allotment. He does things often as a knee-jerk reaction when he's angry and then when he's calmer, forgets about it....and forgets to fix it.
Anyway, we had to work together as a team today on a few financial issues and lo and behold, we actually WORKED TOGETHER! lol.. without fighting! lol Reading on this forum has helped me TREMENDOUSLY to do things differently. I've learned to check my attitude. Plus, keep a PMA when I talk to him (you have no idea how hard that can be). I knew that if I wasn't careful today, we would go down that same dead end road of fighting about money. One of his biggest complaints about me is that I don't work WITH him when it comes to the money or listen to his advice.
I sat in the chair looking out the window and really let myself FEEL. I keep such a guard on my emotions because too often, I let them jerk me around by the nose. I really LET myself think about the things I love about him and about the happy memories. It was nice. I feel encouraged.
In my heart, it all feels fixable, with a lot of work, compromise, team effort, etc. But it just doesn't feel irreparable. Hm, maybe I AM allowing myself to HOPE. lol Too often, I mistake hope for naivete or denial. I don't want to be blind or unwise but I don't want to NOT hope. Hope makes me feel alive. It's a fine balance.
I truly don't want anyone else and I love him very much. I know that he is on his own journey and as his friend, I want the journey to do the work it is meant to do. I want him to be happy....rather, I want him to have JOY. Happiness depends on HAPPENINGS. Joy is that eye of the storm, calm center, that keeps you grounded no matter what is swirling around you. That's what I want for him, with or without me.
