For the guys with kids and a WAW

[CBK]

Wow H4H - sounds like you held your compusure well.

A couple of things, I wouldn't count on her mom for the conversation she is supposed to have - her mom wants her daughter to be happy and will agree to just about everything she says. At least that is my sitc. My mom is very guarded on what she tells my W - so just don't get your hopes up on that one too much.

You did a great job by not blowing up this morning - that is impressive. I am sure you were stewing the entire drive to work. You can only do what you can do.

Take care of yourself today, very emotional beginning!

CBK

[hopeful4her]

Thanks, CBK.

I can tell the guilt on her face. I don't get my hopes up for MIL to say anything. She is one of the wishy washiest (is that a word?)people I know. Every one of her kids have issues. One is bi-polar. MIL herself has big time issues. Three kids, three different men. Currently back with first husband who is cheating on her. She has told me that she knows exactly what I am going through. You would think she express something to WW.

Off early today as I have to work on Sat. Called MIL earlier to ask if she wanted to babysit on Sat. I'm sure WW feels me taking the kids to my parents all the time, they are getting brain washed somehow. Maybe I want to talk to MIL or see if she wants to say something to me. Never answered and has not called back.

Going to do some work on that kennel for WW and try to fix a cedar fence if I have time. Taking kids to a carnival in our town after they get home. I assume WW will meet us there. She didn't say one way or the other.

It could be that MIL took WW to get her car for lunch. Maybe her sister. Possible. I assume it was OM. I expect the worse and maybe be surprised. WW car was not at the restaraunt, as I have to pass it on the way home.

Another thing I spoke to WW at the rest. the other day. How I have always supported her independence. She is a free spirit like Jeff's WW. At the start of our relationship, she was the type to serve me first and wait to eat herself. I had to change her behavior to me serving myself and eating at the same time. Getting her own accounts and credit. We currently each have all our own seperate credit cards. She admitted this and said that has become very independent. She stated she wants to come and go as she pleases and not answer to anyone. I told her that she has always made her decions and I have never held her back from anything. When she wanted to go out, she went out. I may have had a problem with whom she went out with (usually single girls and to bars)but she still went. She went to Vegas with a single friend. I was upset with that one, as we had always planned on going together. But she went. Out of town on occassion, concerts, a couple nights not coming home at all.

Their memory astounds me.

[whatdidido]

h4h,

This is a big decision for her. The fact that my son would start school in Sept. had me pushing things to get done as well. I stay home with him so I knew I would need to get a job, get settled, etc. I didn't want so many changes for my son...new school, less mommy time, new home with mommy, all of that.....I actually wanted to have some things done before school because I thought that would be too much transition all at once for son. Even though I tried to think of how to do figure this all out, I knew deep inside that a divorce was so unfair to my son. But, like I've said before, people kept saying "being in a loveless marriage is worst for him" and I thought for sure I would never be in love with H again because I had found what I thought was "love".

Ok, I am going to tell you something kind of wierd... I remember doing the whole dinner with the family, being the wonderful homemaker, etc. while with the OM. I felt all "full", what I mean is.....I had all my needs met, I had my family, got to be the mom at home that I wanted to be, and I had my "love needs" met by the OM. I was complete. I know how sick this sounds, but it was like I could handle it all this way. If I thought I'd only have one of these two options, I felt incomplete. Something to ponder anyway.......

How you are being with her is perfect. My H did all of that and he didn't even read the DB principles. She is sad because she knows she is hurting you, and she is feeling guilty as well. She is so torn.

She can't imagine not being with the OM. She would be so sad. Keep showing her that life with you would be better than the OM...she would get her kids AND love like no other. She is still so clouded....she feels like you are great but that she is not in love with you........The guilt needs to be there....she needs to feel like this is wrong so she can repent and reallllllly try.

Keep it going. You are doing the right things.

Retrouvaille would be great, especially if it is maybe 1-2 weeks after she stops contacting OM...she will need it the most.....

[hopeful4her]

I know exactly what you are saying. She has had the best of both worlds. We get along so well together when I am not pursuing her. Its when R talk comes up or I started to pursue again, that she starts the leaving and seperation and divorce talk. When I'm not pursuing, she sees me as a great friend. Buying her things, doing things for her. When I start the Love actions or talk, then it goes downhill. She feels tugged from both sides. I know that there is not one thing that she could say about me that is bad.


Again, another thing she told me at the rest. the other day,that he would feel just like I feel right now. Meaning, he is just as heartbroken when he felt like she was pulling away or like when she called him to tell him it was over. I told her, Yes, but you and I have a history. We have built something here. And it could only get better.

Like you said, one of the options have to be taken away. I feel I may have to go to the extreme. I don't want to but I go on being in limbo like this. It's going on close to a year. Many times I thought she was coming out of the fog, only to be disappointed. My time boundary is getting shorter. She has the best of both worlds, I don't.

[JeffSTL]

Hopeful4her: Like you said, one of the options have to be taken away. I feel I may have to go to the extreme. I don't want to but I go on being in limbo like this. It's going on close to a year. Many times I thought she was coming out of the fog, only to be disappointed. My time boundary is getting shorter. She has the best of both worlds, I don't.

The exact way I feel, she has the best of both worlds, I have been thinking of this but haven't posted it yet. W is a stay at home mom, part of my check goes directly to her checking account. This is to be used for foods and whatever else she needs to buy. She knows that when she moves out she will have to have a fulltime job and I'm going to stop these payments. Part of this money will have to go into savings to pay for daycare when kids are out of school next summer. I calculated that if W moves out in Sept 08, I'll have saved enough by May 09 to cover summer program for the kids. If she delays in anyway, I won't have enough to cover the cost.

Do I start telling W in Aug, that she really needs to get the ball rolling and start looking for a fulltime job, because I need her out of the house in Sept like she had planned, so I can start saving for the kids summer program next year ???

I'm going to have to start pushing her for a decision, I need to know so I can plan for the kids, next summer.

Do I just let it go and let her have the best of both worlds and pray she makes a decision some day. - I'm going to start getting nervous in July, if W hasn't given me any indication of what her plans are.

What do we do, push them out, push them for a decision, or wait and look like W's can walk all over us ??? FROM MY POST Page 8

Hopeful4her: I believe what Jeff is trying to say is , by allowing WW and OM to continue with the affair while still being married, does she lose her respect for him. Like we are thinking that, in her mind, she is thinking My husband says he wants me to stop the affair, but he isn't really doing anything about it. He just lets me keep on doing what I'm doing. How can I respect a man like that? One that will let me do whatever I want.

Improve, Protect, Love

M45
W41
D9, D6, D6, S5
M 10 years
2 Dogs, 1 Cat
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 and still going ???

[hopeful4her]

Jeff, you know how similar our sitch's are. I can't recall on your threads, but how do you see the custody of your kids if it gets to that point?

This was the original question I had for guys when I started this thread, and then it just kind of took off from there.

Also, have you ever thought about showing her your posts? Just a question. Just one of those things that cross my mind.

[hopeful4her]

And I still want to get the point of view of the ladies here, also.

[LL44]

I am a lady for most of the time What point of view did you want?

[JeffSTL]

We discussed, kids are to live with me in this house, W to get an apartment and take kids whenever she wants.

I don't understand when she would ever have time for them

We discussed that Mon - Thur wouldn't really be good nights becasue of school the next day, I would be picking them up from after school care at 5:00, then after homework (wife hates) after dinner and after baths, there really isn't much time left anyway.

I really don't know what W is thinking, If she wants them on Friday or Sat, that would crimp her social life, and they need to be in church Sunday morning she doesn't go to church)

Again I really don't know what she is thinking, I feel kids will get short end of stick if she moves out.

She said something about D me, grabbing half of my 401K and buying a house. 1. it wouldn't buy much of a house, 2. I don't know if you can withdraw $ from 401K for D in Missouri. 3. There would be penalties and taxes due. Then she said kids could live with her half the time and me half the time, I really don't like this plan, but I know she though about it

Improve, Protect, Love

M45
W41
D9, D6, D6, S5
M 10 years
2 Dogs, 1 Cat
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 and still going ???

[whatdidido]

Yep, I remember...the times I talked the most about D is when H started to pursue (because I felt guilty) or when OM started pushing. She does have the best of both worlds. If you push something, she will have to choose......If my H had forced things earlier I'm not sure what I would have done. It took me 3 years to make the right choice on my own. If he had known about the A it would have been earlier.

Jeff, you may want to say you need to sit and talk about finances with her since you are still married and you have some planning to do. Then, explain things to her so she understands what needs to be done either way.

This is the hardest thing for all of you to do. If you want to keep your marriage you won't think about it as walking all over you, you will think of it as doing what it takes to keep the marriage so that you can make some changes and learn from mistakes and make a better marriage.

I did not lose respect for my H, I am proud of him for sticking by me no matter what. That being said, he didn't outwardly know about my A so didn't have to "live with it" the whole time. You are presenting it to your wives that you are fighting for them not ALLOWING THEM to do whatever. You are hoping they "open their eyes". I'm sure there will be a "breaking point" for you and only you and God know when that is.