After 3 long years, H is home

[GoingForward]

(((Thanks, Kris.)))

Maybe you are going to have to beat his friends to the punch.

Kinda hard to do when they just show up unexpectedly.

But between me and everyone else here on the BB, I don't believe this to be true. These friends/coworkers of H's don't seem to be the kind of people who would show up at anyone's house just out of the blue, no call, no nothing. Nope, I don't think so. I think H tells them to come over to watch basketball or baseball out in the man-cave, and when I show surprise to see them here, again, for the 3rd or 4th time in a week, I get, "Oh, I didn't know they were coming over."

Sure, whatever.

Sometimes he'll even say, "Do you want me to tell them they have to leave?" *Rolling eyes*...Yeah, right! And rain on his parade?!!! Geez, c'mon, H.

I just KNOW that if I said yes, I'd like it to be just our family this evening, I'd hear something like, "Ok....fine.....I just thought it would be cool to have a few beers with my friends and watch the game....but that's fine.".......Waaa, waaa, waaa . Sometimes I don't even get the chance to respond! He'll express this immediately after the question.

Ugh.

As for the upcoming D date.....I just don't know right now, and it's hard because it's coming fast. Our anniversary is also coming up soon. Just another two weeks. I don't even know what to do about that, if anything at all! We haven't celebrated it since 2005, and even then, it was crappier than sh**! I know H has got to be thinking about it, too. He can't ever use the lame excuse that he "forgot" because it's tattooed on his arm!

Anyway.

H is working day shift today. How much do you want to bet that his coworkers will be here tonight for the.....oh let's see....4th time this week thus far? Any takers??

[klm]

I just KNOW that if I said yes, I'd like it to be just our family this evening, I'd hear something like, "Ok....fine.....I just thought it would be cool to have a few beers with my friends and watch the game....but that's fine.".......Waaa, waaa, waaa

He is guilting you into things...although I am betting you already know that. Have you two actually sat down and talked about how many nights is appropriate to have friends over?

As for the upcoming D date.....I just don't know right now, and it's hard because it's coming fast.

It will be here before you know it. Both of you really need to sit down and talk about this. Especially if you are thinking of following through with it if nothing changes. He needs to know this and have time to show you that he can do what you ask.

I know the anniversary date is hard, I went through that not too long ago myself.

[MichelleLT]

Is there a way you could pull a big 180 and go watch sports with them or something?

And what about making him appreciate what you do all day (easy my butt) by leaving him with the kids for a weekend or something?

Also some boundaries - maybe even a R talk. Say I don't mind feeding your friends, I appreciate you need time to blow off steam and I want you to spend time with them but I also need one night a week set aside for us as a family or as a couple??

I don't know how much of this you have tried, how much of it needs to be said again, or how much of it could be solved with a 180, just trying to brainstorm.

Hope something I said makes sense. I am miserable with hayfever today and drugged up lol.

[klm]

And what about making him appreciate what you do all day (easy my butt) by leaving him with the kids for a weekend or something?

ohhhh, I like it!

[GoingForward]

He is guilting you into things...although I am betting you already know that.

You are SOOO right, Kris!!!

This is how I ALWAYS feel. I feel guilty everytime I ask for something. Doesn't matter what either. I feel like I have no place or position to be asking for anything. Ever. UNLESS it's something for H or for the kids. If it's got anything to do with me, I'm made to feel as though I'm asking for too much.

Have you two actually sat down and talked about how many nights is appropriate to have friends over?

Yes, we've talked about this once (2 or 3 weeks back), and the response I got from H was, "They're my friends, and when I need help, they're here. When they need help, I help them out in return."

Perfectly understandable and that's great, but they're not here for help or to help EVERYTIME that they're here. They're here mostly to just hang out. But I'm wrong for feeling it should be limited. I'm wrong because it's controlling - I'm "stealing" his joy.

It will be here before you know it. Both of you really need to sit down and talk about this. Especially if you are thinking of following through with it if nothing changes. He needs to know this and have time to show you that he can do what you ask.

I know this. Just not looking forward to it at all.

I might wait another week before having this talk, and until then, see what kind of progress we make, if any. Also give things one more month, from now, to hopefully change for the better. If not, well either way, I will have my answer as to whether to continue with the D or not.

Michelle, it looks like I started this post while you were posting to me....I've had to stop here and there for S3 ! Anyway, I will respond soon. Gotta get off now to do some things before picking up the boys from school.

[sideswiped2]

Going Forward - I don't know how you did it for 3 years i am going on 7 months and i have had enough. I would greatly appreciate some advice, my posts are on infidelity. Was your H as cold as mine. I am thinking of filing the D papers as a last resort?

[GoingForward]

Is there a way you could pull a big 180 and go watch sports with them or something?

I did try once, a few weeks back, and haven't tried again since then. I was out there for about 5 minutes when H then asked out of earshot, "What's up? Did you need something?" I said no, I was just hanging out, too. He said nothing but looked a little bothered, and I decided a few minutes later to leave them alone and came inside.

And what about making him appreciate what you do all day (easy my butt) by leaving him with the kids for a weekend or something?

According to H, he does appreciate me for this. He learned what it was like to care for three children by himself, and he said he realized it wasn't easy. You can't just get up and go when you want, and their needs always come before your own. It's a small sacrifice, but it was a real eye-opener for him.

When we were S'ed, there were times he would have them for a day and other times where he'd have them for a week. So he knows what's it's like.

But in his mind, it is nothing compared to what he does to take care of us. My "job" is nowhere near as tough as his job is.

Maybe not physically.....But mentally, perhaps even emotionally....It can be draining at times.

Also some boundaries - maybe even a R talk. Say I don't mind feeding your friends, I appreciate you need time to blow off steam and I want you to spend time with them but I also need one night a week set aside for us as a family or as a couple??

I have told him on a few occasions that I don't mind him doing things with his friends or taking on some extra overtime every now and then.

I just do not want to see that his friends and/or work are getting more of his time than me and the boys. Family time is important. Our time TOGETHER is important.

He said, "Oh, of course! I understand that, and I don't want it to be that way."

His actions clearly do not support this statement of his.

Hope something I said makes sense. I am miserable with hayfever today and drugged up lol.

Makes perfect sense, Michelle, and I can totally empathize with the allergy issues! If I forget to take Claritin BEFORE I leave the house in the morning, I will spend the rest of the day paying for it!



ss2, thanks for stopping by. I will read through your thread and give advice where I can.

For now though, I must say to this:

I am thinking of filing the D papers as a last resort?

Do not do this if it isn't what you truly want.

If you're questioning it, if you're not sure if you should do it or not, then DON'T.

[MichelleLT]

I did try once, a few weeks back, and haven't tried again since then. I was out there for about 5 minutes when H then asked out of earshot, "What's up? Did you need something?" I said no, I was just hanging out, too. He said nothing but looked a little bothered, and I decided a few minutes later to leave them alone and came inside.

Hmm, while I understand why you decided to leave, I'm still thinking there might be something there. I mean, you didn't give it much time. Maybe if his friends weren't over but he was still out there you could try again?

But in his mind, it is nothing compared to what he does to take care of us. My "job" is nowhere near as tough as his job is.

It sounds like he's fishing for WOA here.

As for the rest, I think your actions will speak louder than your words. So...actions....Maybe start planning family stuff and if his work interferes, go anyways?

[GoingForward]

Hmm, while I understand why you decided to leave, I'm still thinking there might be something there. I mean, you didn't give it much time. Maybe if his friends weren't over but he was still out there you could try again?

Yeah, I didn't give it enough time.

I'll try this tonight. He claims no one will show up this evening. We'll see, but I'll try it again anyway.

It sounds like he's fishing for WOA here.

I thought so, too. That was why in our last big R talk on Sunday I told him I didn't know what it physically felt like to be him, and that I appreciated just how hard he works to provide for us. I will always be grateful for it.

As for the rest, I think your actions will speak louder than your words. So...actions....Maybe start planning family stuff and if his work interferes, go anyways?

Yep, I believe that is what I will have to just go ahead and do. My sisters even said the same thing last weekend.

My parents, sisters and their families are going to Tower Park (or is it Lake?) for Mother's Day weekend. I was going to just let the boys go with them, thinking it would give H and me some alone time, but now I'm thinking I'll go, too, and of course, invite H along. The choice will be his.

[MichelleLT]

You sound like you've just got it all figured out.