It's been so long since I posted on my thread, that it's no longer there, so I had to start a new one.
Basically I've been in a new relationship for 4 months now. It was about 3 years since the end of the big one of which I came onto this site in the first place.
I am being very aware in this new relationship and I wanted some help in some areas.
SO, I find that what I'm doing with this guy is pushing him away and then pulling him back again.
I really like this guy's personality and I think he has a really good heart. As with everyone, there are a few issues.
I would really like to recieve more attention from this guy. When we are together everything is great, but I feel like we've reached a place where our relationship isn't moving closer or forward.
1. He can't say that he loves me though he cares for me, he wants to reserve this for when he knows for certain that he's with the person he wants to marry.
2. He has a roommate who is a female. They have been friends for 10 years. She is in love with him. She will ask him ahead of time for dinner or something and he will always check with me first, but he will have a night with her. I really don't care if he has her as a friend. I'm not concerned about his feelings for her. But she will never join us when we invite her and I am not welcome to join them.
I think these things are preventing the attention I want and us moving forward. He waits too long to call and then when he finally does i'm in a pissy mood, which pushes him away and has him call me less. I think the fact that he is getting his needs met elseware, aka his roommate, makes him less pursuant of me.
I've spoken to him before and said that when he emails me I always respond, but when I email him back, sometimes it's like he's just lost in Siberia because he doesn't respond back at all.
Now he took a job out of state for an extended, but temporary time. I mentioned before he took this job out of state that it would help me out if we made efforts to stay connected. So therefore, I don't want to ask this guy to call or text or email me more. I think that this is what he has to offer and if it's not good enough for me, I should move on.
THe problem is it took me a long time to find a guy that I really had feelings for. And also we have so much in common, have so much fun and he truly is a really good guy...
Instead of accepting him as is, I'm remaining in limbo. I'm not rejecting him, I'm not accepting him, I'm staying with him and getting pissy when he doesn't fulfill my expectations. That's not fair for either of us.
I know there are people who need to hear from their SO much less than I do, but I also think that I really want a very close relationship...
I'm pleased to see you posting. I always got a lot out of your occasional posts over in MLC.
Originally Posted By: whitelight
2. He has a roommate who is a female. They have been friends for 10 years. She is in love with him. She will ask him ahead of time for dinner or something and he will always check with me first, but he will have a night with her. I really don't care if he has her as a friend. I'm not concerned about his feelings for her. But she will never join us when we invite her and I am not welcome to join them.
I've spoken to him before and said that when he emails me I always respond, but when I email him back, sometimes it's like he's just lost in Siberia because he doesn't respond back at all.
IMO, those are two, big, red flags. If roommate was really "a friend", she'd want to meet his new friends, and she'd be pleased for him. If she's in love with him, and he lives with her, sounds like a recipe for disasater for anyone else in his life.
(BTW, what do you mean "getting his needs met" with her?)
And as far as the email replies, his not keeping in touch as much as you'd like...well, there is nothing wrong with getting what YOU want in a R. So if he can't provide this...well...there are others you can and will. OTOH, some people think an email followed by a response is a complete, finished "conversation", no need for further follow up...
What does he say when you share your feelings about these two "issues" with him?
I'm glad you posted, it sounds like you have some doubts yourself and just wanted to see them in black and white. HIs current arrangements seem to stack the deck against him fully committing to a romantic R right now. JMO, natch.
My reply differs from Almost's but it will give you another perspective.
When I began my R with Josh 4 years ago, I also had a similar situation to you. No, he did not have a live in female roomie but a good female friend who I thought liked him too much and that he couldn't see it. He also didn't call always when he said he would and it drove me nuts. Can you say "Trust Issues". Then, when I was at the 3 month mark he took a 3 month job out of town. Yes, he flew home on w/e and one time I flew out to be with him, but still.
So, one thing at a time. The girl I could do nothing about but I did ask to meet her. Still hasn't happened but he only sees her about once every year or so now. So that problem went away.
The phone. Well, I would really suck it up and NOT be pissy when he called or it would drive him away just as you say. I did kind of casually mention a few times "Oh, I thought you were going to call last night" and see what he said. Then one night he didn't call. Or the next. So I went out. I was at the cottage and overcome with anger. I just fumed the next day. Finally settled myself down and made a list of his good traits and his not so good. His good traits won out by a mile and got me through a bad morning. A while later I went to town. I was halfway there when my cel phone rang. I hadn't had it one for a few days. Why would I? I was at the cottage. It was him, midday, calling from work. He is an exec - he NEVER calls me from work. But he was panicky. He had lost the cottage phone number. Had been unable to reach me. Knew I would be pissed.
Guess what? He has NEVER missed phoning when he said he would since then. It was kind of like me making myself "unavailable" though it was not something I planned. It just happened. It is kind of funny, really - worked like a charm.
So, I guess you have to assess whether he is worth it or not. Yes, there are others out there. I didn't find any in my search, though, but that is just me. If you think he is worth keeping around - why not try what I did and see if it works.
I have to say that I agree with AH. It sounds as if your talking out loud. I think that there have been quite a few things in this relationship that you're not comfortable with, starting with the roommate. How is it that you know that she's in love with him? I would think that if he is aware of this then this would be a very uncomfortable living situation for him, unless there's more to it then he's let on. Her not including you is bad enough, but not even wanting to meet you is just plain weird. Maybe it's time for you to back away and see how he handles you not being quite so available.
You deserve so much more in a relationship then what you've described here!
My sweet baboo has a wonderful femal friend who is clearly in love with him (candlelight meals etc) they even dated for awhile after his divorce
they remained friends after breaking up...mutually.
they have been friends for like 15 or 20 years...so their bond is deep
I am horribly jealous of her i hate when he goes there or she goes to his house ugh
however
he chose me he tells me all the time when she comes over or vice versa and reassures me that he has no feelings like that for her
thisis where trust comes in do I trust him? is he telling me the truth?
I CHOOSE to believe he is i know he loves me i know he has chosen me
this is MY jealousy thing to overcome
have you given this guy examples of what calling or emiling mroe would look like
sometimes just saying I need more doesn't clue them in i have found that being very clear like when I call you if bothers m if you don't call back in a half an hour rather than it bugs me when you don't call
2 more things - for what they're worth. I remember you writing about this guy and your concerns a little while back. I am more concerned that you are getting too dependent on him too soon. He may NOT be the man of your dreams so don't pin all your hopes just on him.
Josh took 3 + years to say "I love you". At least when he said it - I knew he really meant it.
Fig and Beth have made good points. This guy might not be right for you but you need to make sure you are complete without him and don't sit on the phone. The GF thing is a real turnoff in my books.
Thanks for all of the responses, I really appreciate them.
I think I am too dependent on this guy and the relationship. Maybe it's a good thing that he had to take a job out of state so that I can continue to grow and work on me.
I think I've been rushing this relationship because I want to have kids. I need to let go of that and just live. I need to realize that I can't control everything in life.
I'm also comparing it to the level of famaliarity and comfort that I had in my last relationship. I have to remember that 4 months isn't that long and things take time. They just do.
Starting over is such a b*tch!
Now, goals for me: Finish my writing project #1 Assign certain hours and work on it no matter what. No internet surfing allowed.
Get a regular workout routine. Order a dvd or two.
Continue to meditate.
Continue to look for better work.
Try one new hobby that I have been interested in this summer.
Drop the expectations of when this guy should call. Enjoy that their is somebody calling me whom I like to talk to. Smile and have a great conversation. Truly enjoy it!
Pray. Stop and be still after making requests etc.
I have to agree with AH. I thought the same things when reading your post. But hey you never know. My X could not tell me he loved me until 4 months into our relationship. As for now the goals you have set sound great! Focus on you!
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
