Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

Okay, just need to journal a bit. Have been doing okay today, but for some reason, the last hour my stomach has been turning knots. Maybe it is because of the MC today, or maybe detaching is playing its little tricks on my mind.

So instead of focusing on my stomach, I wanted to focus on my head and how I am approaching MC today.

I am going in confident, not cocky, but confident. I am not the authority and I can survive any insight that W wants to share.

I am going in with empathetic ears. I want to understand her hurt and pain that let us to this point. I know she has felt that our M was falling apart a long time and it must have been horrible for her unhappiness has been real, how can I better understand this unahppiness? I know now how I made her feel unimportant in our R, I never validated her feelings or thoughts, it was always about me. I am sure she felt she was working hard as well on the R and I was not responding the "right" way at that time.

I am going to talk in past tense - "I used to do that" or "man, I can see how that looks bad" type comments.

I want to validate what W said in last session - these are the points:
What I know she is frustrated with me:
That I checked out about 4 years ago,
She thinks ever since we moved up here, we started to erode
Got worse the last few years
She wants to make decisions on her own
Wants to be validated

As I type this, it reminds me of a Beattles song - Long and Winding Road

Okay, got that off my chest - I just needed to vent a little.

So goals for today:

I will NOT backslide today during MC
I will be stronger for my kids, they should not be concerned about me, that is not their burden.
I will validate during our conversation.
I will be happier around the house (even if does tick W off)
I will take a baby step in detaching more each day
I will remind myself that this is NOT the woman I married
I will not be emotional around family or in MC
I will watch a movie with S and D tonight on TV.

Okay, still feel a little upset, but no setbacks. I just wish the knots would go away in the tummy - but I guess when I am fully detached, they will be gone, at least I hope!

CBK