Wow. Yes, I will marry you!! This is such a surprise! I never thought you'd ask! Let's set a date! You pick the caterer and the florist, I'll pick the venue for the reception.
You sound like you have your head screwed on straight. And you are letting him do his thing, in his time. Great to hear you're GALing your butt off. It sucks to be you now, but you're solid, you can handle this adversity. You know what's at stake, you know what you want, you're level-headed, you can find your way through this, keeping in mind the future for you and your kids.
On the financial side - I totally understand that. The anxiety over finances can definitely affect the interaction between the two of you. It happened to me. The thing we absolutely did not need while we were in emotional crisis was a financial crisis. But we got it! It was, ahhh, not helpful in encouraging civility and lightheartedness in our relationship.
What do you think about seeing a financial advisor or attorney independently, now? To talk about steps to take to insure stability if things change for you suddenly. I am not talking about preparing for a divorce - for me I did not want to "prepare for a divorce" because I didn't want a divorce. But then it came anyway and I wasn't ready. It was like refusing to buy a coat and hat because I don't like storms. The storm will come or not, regardless of whether I have a coat...
If it would set your mind at ease, maybe worth thinking about. What could you be doing now? This might mean, getting a credit card in just your name. Maybe moving the utilities into your name. It might mean, re-positioning any investments you have to preserve liquidity, just-in-case. I don't know what it might mean for you, but a professional advisor might be worth it. Of if you have a close friend who knows finances. OR better, a friend of a friend, somebody once-removed from your immediate situation. Please don't think that I am suggesting that you push forward for a divorce. The analogy is awkward - but it is a little like Britain in WWII - they needed to prepare for a war that they didn't want. It might set your mind at ease a little, over the financial stuff.
And maybe insurance, too. Medical insurance for you and your kids. Find out what the options are. It's like a fire drill. Most people are never affected by a structure fire, but we do fire drills just in case. Everyone knows what they should be doing, where they should go. Or, like the training you get for how to repel an attacker. Think of it maybe like that? You probably will never be mugged, but you've thought through what you would do in the event you were approached by an aggressive guy. (kick him in the nuts, spray him with mace, whatever). It makes you feel more at ease, just to have a plan in case you need it.
Getting back to finances - the thing that worked for me - I spoke with friends, told them what was going on, all along. I told them of all the things that concerned me, and most things were just out of their control. But the one thing these friends could do was lend me money. I am the wage earner in my family, but with me out of the house, I am still paying for a house that I cannot live in. So right now I am depending on the kindness of my friends for my lifestyle. Maybe this is worth exploring for you. My family did the same thing - lent me money to take the kids on vacation, and so on.
I am an adult, worked for 20 years, good job, make good money, always independent. I hate having to borrow money. It makes me feel like a failure. But you know, I am in a special spot, and so it's ok for me to borrow from friends or family at this time. This is what friends and family are for. So I don't like to borrow, but it's just a short time. It doesn't sound like you need to borrow right now, but just talking with people, keeping your network informed, exploring the option - maybe that would be enough to set your mind at ease a little on the finances.
