One would also think that if there were any chance she really believed this stuff, she wouldn't be calling you to take care of D! Document everything!
Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner.
What your W is accusing will be used against her. When the court discovers she makes stuff up, that will be the end of it for her credibility.
As for the Bratz doll - The doll may look slutty, but I bet it does not give nearly as bad an example to a young girl as her own mother openly cheating on her husband.
RTl I'm sorry. So sorry. You have every right to be hurt, pissed, crushed, sick. Of course you are. you should be.
This won't make you feel any better - but you are in the same boat as I am. I think this is a play that is run over and over again by women in divorce. It is made possible by the liberalized divorce laws, the advance of no-fault, and the advance of women's rights groups. The presumption in my state is that if a woman makes allegations, they are true. It is not like a criminal proceeding: "innocent until proven guilty". It is the opposite.
I don't have much wisdom for you because my situation is still playing out. I will tell you that I have been repeatedly disappointed, when expecting fairness and justice to prevail. Despite that, I still think the truth will come out, and a just result will be bad. So I guess the lesson from my experience is, super patience is a requirement. It will feel unfair for a long long time.
I found some reason for hope last week, which is partly why I am back on this board. I spoke with the parenting evaluator - the very first representative of the court who listened to my side of the story. This person is not an advocate, and not an advisor. She is not permitted to indicate her opinion about my situation to me. She only asks questions. But from the questions she asked, she seemed ... I don't know... could be just my own perception... but she seemed very skeptical of the ridiculous claims by my wife. In my favor, she made some allegations that are easy to disprove. Also, the allegations keep escalating (Sexual abuse is the latest). And, W is inconsistent - she asserted that she did not want to take the kids away from me, to the evaluator. But yet she filed a DV protection order asking to take the kids away from me for 12 years. This evaluator has been around the block, has seen some things. She is wise to the victim play so often run by women. That is my take anyway.
I don't have anything concrete to base this on, like I said it is only my feeling. I will know more at my hearing, when the evaluator delivers her report.
RTL, I hate to see you in this place.
Divorce stinks! It should be a crime, literally, a crime! that this situation is allowed to continue. That women who are dissatisfied can libel their husbands, can level false accusations without fear of repercussions or reprisal. It is morally repugnant to use lies as a tactic in a divorce proceeding. It is designed to make you suffer and capitulate. It is horse feathers! (I would use much stronger language if I were standing in front of you. )
Stay patient. In the days ahead you will need to draw on your inner reserves of strength. Most of all you need to remain confident in who you are.
I spoke with a friend, explained my situation to her. She grabbed the conversations, "Listen to me!" she said with force in her voice. "You are a great father. You are a super dad. You love your kids. You're reliable, you're smart, you're honest and conscientious. You're kind and wise. You've been a good mentor. You care about people. Never forget who you are. Don't let what she is saying about you, cause you to lose yourself."
She was very wise. I was beginning to believe my wife. W said I was a horrible father. The court agreed with her, in the initial hearing (guilty until proven innocent). People look at you sideways when you lose custody of your kids, they assume that of course there is a good reason your kids have been taken away. After a while, I started to believe the bullspit. It makes me crazy .
So my advice - Especially now, stick close to your friends. Let them tell you what they see in you. Believe them. Don't believe the liar. Don't lose yourself. Now more than ever, you need to Be the man!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
RTL, I am so sorry about this. I too had my STBX make some very vicious claims against me in court. Once we got in the courtroom though she never even brought them up. As tough as it sounds, stand strong. You know the truth and in the long run, truth will prevail.
Surround yourself with people that support you, that is one of the best ways to get through all of this. Also, yuo can not let yourself get consumed with her allegations. You said it herself, many of those letters are from her family members. There is bias there and the courts will see it.
Like I said before, I am a few months ahead of you in all of this. There will be ups and downs, but it will be over with soon enough...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
This is a fairly common tactic in divorce proceedings. I know it is hard not to take it personally, but try not to.
Talk to your lawyer asap and see what he has to say. You may have to play hard ball--bring up her drinking, her mental health history, etc. If it comes to that, please remember that it is about your daughter, not your wife. She escalated to the nuclear option immediately--as a history teacher you know what that means. Any display of weakness in your resolve will be exploited. Don't let that happen.
RTL - I have been following your thread and thought I would pipe in... two quick stories.
My brother fought for his kids after his W accused him of really horrible things. Her dad was and is a very successful L. When I told my bro I was getting advice from a L - he said "get the biggest B!tch in the valley" make sure she is a woman as she will fight tooth and nail for what is right. Long story, my brother gained FULL custody of his three kids in Cali - a tough state. Fight the battles, do not give up on your kids. I respected my brother for doing this, he could have laid down, in fact, his FIL said he will "break our family" meaning $$$. Well F him, my brother won and the kids won.
Next - I sought advice today, no custody as my kids are older. But I did find out, that even though W had an A, if we D, then I have to pay her alimony until one of us dies or she remarries! That blew me away. But that is CA law...
Keep your head and wits about you. Don't leave anything unturned.
Peace,
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Wow, you are really being tested right now in your life. So far you have done admirably to keep on keeping on and facing forward and fighting for whats right. Your W is being ridiculous. The way she is behaving and the things she says, its ALL about her, it cant be the best thing for your D that things are getting this ugly. Kids need fathers. So what she wanted to leave you, dont drag your D into it. It makes me mad! It must have been upsetting though that she got friends and family on side, but it IS taking sides and they are only hearing her side of course.
Thank you so much. I had a long, difficult, and involved day yesterday, so I wasn't able to post. I'll reply here to your comments and hopefully not lock up the thread. I'll also put some updates in this as well. So, it may be long, but I've got a bit to say, I guess...:)
Kalni: I'm glad you did check in before bed as it was wonderful to hear from you. I am taking the gloves off a bit after meeting w/ the L (more on that below) and I'm saddened by it, but I have no real choice as this is the path W chose to put us on. My L also believes the letters will end up being worthless as they are mostly hearsay.
Jeff: Yes, she has made a huge jump into the deepest of the deep ends it seems. I am documenting everything I can and saving all relevant texts and e-mail, so I should be able to state a good case.
Bizarre: I agree that it is time to step up the case on my side, although I am doing it w/ a heavy heart. The problem w/ ending this now is she will want and get full custody of D and I'll only get her 2 weekends a month. If I quit, I lose D. So, I'm prepared to have my name smeared if it means I'll get my fair time w/ my D. I'll fill you all in on the specifics of my visit w/ L in a bit.
Kerry: I can only hope the courts and the evaluator will see this for the garbage it truly is. I also LOVED your comment on the BRATZ doll. That is one I'd love to fire out against her, but I really can't do that as it woudl be counter-productive. Tempting, but counter-productive.
ND: I'm so sorry you are in this place as well. It really sucks. I'm glad to know it will get better, but I hate that others are here with me as I know how awful this whole thing is. The allegations do hurt, but they are just allegations and I know the truth. Those who know me, know the truth. W knows the truth as well. The patience and time waiting is so difficult. I hate it and I want to give in, but I know I can't and won't. It just consumes you so much you want it all to stop.
SBX: I'm glad you decided to join in. Thanks for your feedback. I also love the story about your brother and his tough, bad a** father-in-law. Nice guys did finish 1st in this case and I can only hope for a repeat in my case. I hope you'll continue to come back and check in.
Nut: Nice to hear from you again. I'm sure you are getting ready for your AP test that is quickly coming at us. I'm going to play hard ball, but I don't like it. However, you are right, if I don't show strength, then I'll be crushed. I like the fact we let them fire 1st, so now we know their game plan as well as how to defend our position. I'll stay strong, but it does still sting. However, the important thing is my D. She is the focus and always will be.
SPM: I'm so glad to have you back. I've missed your words of wisdom and support. I'm also so sickened that you are in this place as well. It should be criminal. I'm serious too. Like you, I'm guilty until proven innocent in the eyes of society and W gets to say and do whatever she wants w/ out consequences. I'm hoping that will turn around. We are similar in another aspect, my man, as I too was beginning to "believe the hype" from W that I was a bad husband, person, and father. I know too well how easy it is to begin to believe if you hear it enough. I'm much better at tuning it out now, but it still bothers me. The pain and sting is real from reading W's words as well as the words of those who I thought knew and loved me. They were like family to me and it really hurts as I've known them for the past 12 years. They should know better. When do you actually become a real part of a family? How much time should it take?
Ali: Hey there! I'm behind on your sitch again because of my past few days, so I'll try to catch up with you today. Anyway, thanks for your support and friendship, as usual. I can hope that things will balance out and I will prevail, but yes, it does hurt. I think you can imagine how it would feel. I don't want to get tougher w/ W, but this is the path she's chosen, so I'm left w/ the choice of fight on or give in to her. Giving in to her is not an option, so I have to put a bit of fire on the fire.
I have to run and interview a potential teacher for next year, but I'll come back and update you on yesterday's event later today.
