Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

One of my favorite Teddy Roosevelt quotes known as the man in the arena:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

When I euologized my brother many years ago, I used this quote, he was a fighter - runs in the family.

Peace,

CBK

[ping1]

Keep the fight alive CBK, you sound like you are doing so much better. Good luck to you tonight.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I LOVE that TR quote!

I told my wife when she was having her affair, "______ , I wasn't going to play offense, but I'll damned sure play defense."

I'm a conflict-avoider and "pleaser" by nature, but once attacked, I WILL fight back -- especially where my kids are concerned.

Puppy

[CBK]

Okay, just need to journal a bit. Have been doing okay today, but for some reason, the last hour my stomach has been turning knots. Maybe it is because of the MC today, or maybe detaching is playing its little tricks on my mind.

So instead of focusing on my stomach, I wanted to focus on my head and how I am approaching MC today.

I am going in confident, not cocky, but confident. I am not the authority and I can survive any insight that W wants to share.

I am going in with empathetic ears. I want to understand her hurt and pain that let us to this point. I know she has felt that our M was falling apart a long time and it must have been horrible for her unhappiness has been real, how can I better understand this unahppiness? I know now how I made her feel unimportant in our R, I never validated her feelings or thoughts, it was always about me. I am sure she felt she was working hard as well on the R and I was not responding the "right" way at that time.

I am going to talk in past tense - "I used to do that" or "man, I can see how that looks bad" type comments.

I want to validate what W said in last session - these are the points:
What I know she is frustrated with me:
That I checked out about 4 years ago,
She thinks ever since we moved up here, we started to erode
Got worse the last few years
She wants to make decisions on her own
Wants to be validated

As I type this, it reminds me of a Beattles song - Long and Winding Road

Okay, got that off my chest - I just needed to vent a little.

So goals for today:

I will NOT backslide today during MC
I will be stronger for my kids, they should not be concerned about me, that is not their burden.
I will validate during our conversation.
I will be happier around the house (even if does tick W off)
I will take a baby step in detaching more each day
I will remind myself that this is NOT the woman I married
I will not be emotional around family or in MC
I will watch a movie with S and D tonight on TV.

Okay, still feel a little upset, but no setbacks. I just wish the knots would go away in the tummy - but I guess when I am fully detached, they will be gone, at least I hope!

CBK

[CBK]

Sad news, I just found out a good friend and colleague passed away today from a rare form of cancer leaving behind two children ages 5 and 7. Wow, put things in perspective for me. I am very sad.

[ping1]

That is very sad news, I am sorry to hear about it, it definitely puts things in perspective.

[daybyday]

very sorry for your friends family and your loss.

[john210]

Sorry about your loss....this should give us all something to think about. We always think this type of event happens to other people. Sure makes our problems seem very small.

[sandi2]

So sorry CBK. My grandmother use to softly quote an old saying that helped put things in perspective for me whenever something like this would happen......"I felt sorry that I had no shoes until I saw the man who had no feet".

As long as we live, we will never understand life nor be able to guess about it....b/c it will change from day to day and it can throw us for a loop. I know this has affected you. Please continue to take care of yourself, for we all are concerned about our CBK. Have that stomach seen about....could be just nerves, but could be something else too.

BTW, don't know what you are taking to help you sleep, but if it is Melatonin, I had to learn that if you don't take enough...you will wake up too early. For me, it would take three of the 3mg tablets to be able to sleep without waking up so early in the morning.

My thoughts are with you......

Sandi

[CBK]

Well, here I am again. What a day...

MC was so difficult today. I was doing so well... Let me journal.

Got to MC and I started off with what my DB coach suggested, basically that I "get it", which I do. I was not going to talk about R if I could help it, tried to be an active listener. Basically W says I fell in love with OM and out of love with you. I know OM is not an option, and I just want to be alone. I hate hurting you, but I need to be happy myself and I don't want to come back just to settle. We could "totally be friends" and she would like this. She said I she has seen all these postive changes in me, becoming the "super husband" and it just doesn't matter - there just isn't any love there anymore.

I basically said that all these changes are for me. She brought up going to the store last night. I said we were out of milk, water and fruit, I got you ice cream becuase you were having a horrible day. She talked about how I touched her hips on Sunday night when I was cooking dinner two or three times - I have ALWAYS done that - I do that with the kids and even my parents - I always thought it was a nice way to say "you are in my way" as I am cooking dinner. Then the MC kept pushing on how were we when we first got married - W and I agreed we were very happy and just spent a ton of time together, you all know the story... Well then W said that she just felt this amazing feeling with OM and that there is no way she could ever feel this with me and she wanted out. MC asked my feelings and I held my composure, but as I was trying to explain my feelings, the MC said you love her - I said I always have and always will. Then W started going on about how she knows how I feel about her breaking this off - I said you do not know how it feels to have the person that you have been telling them you love them until about 6 weeks ago stops. She tried to compare to her parting with OM and the great loss she felt with him. I listened and said I am sure that is very difficult for you, but you still have no idea how I feel - even the MC agreed.

I do think this MC is a pro-marriage MC. She kept saying that even though W is saying she wants out, she is confused, otherwise she would be gone. W said if I could find a way, she would move... WTF!!! This is killing me.

I was very composed during the session, no tears, I was trying to be confident and not cocky. This just tore me apart. She was very honest during the MC session. She said that love really isn't a choice, sometimes it just comes to you - the MC challenged her a bit saying "so if it comes to you, can you choose it?" She said you just don't understand.

I am dying guys. I thought I did really well everything being considered, then I went out and hit a bucket of balls with a friend and had a beer.

I will pick myself back up in a bit, but this just sucks. It is so hard to look at W during MC and thinking - I AM RIGHT HERE - I am a good man, a nice man, what are you doing. She even said that I am like the perfect guy - a lot of good that is doing me.

I know, patience. The counselor asked a few more questions and then said - are you hopeful - I said of course I am, I am not giving up - then W said she is not and in a different place than me. She just wants to be alone.

Somebody tell me this is a good sign!

CBK