Finding DB late in the game #4

[cw68]

Just saw H at the store, he's ill today. We had just dropped off some food that's good for upset tummy for him, he wasn't at the apartment and I just thought he stayed at work, but the place did smell a little of throw-up. Anyway, he called me back as we were leaving saying he was at Trader Joe's getting soup and 7-up. Told him that we just dropped off a bag of groceries for him and we were at Target, which was right by TJ's. He came over to see the kids for a minute and pick up some Gatorade. He looked horrible and the poor guy rode his motorcycle today, so he was in his riding boots, riding jacket, gloves and helmet. It's like 90 here and he has the chills. Not a good combo.

He told me how nice it was for me to drop the stuff by, which feels good because it WAS nice and he better realize that he's thinking of dumping a nice person. Then when we parted, he said, "I love you." and I got to say ILY2. He said it, out of the blue, on his own.

[JenInVen]

Way to go CW an ILY!!!

Jen

[cw68]

The baby steps just keep coming. I just hope they are enough long-term to get him to baby step back to me and his kids.

He called to say good night to the kids and I spoke with him just to see how he was feeling. His car is here at the house and he said he was going to come by in the morning to switch motorcycle for car, or that he might just come over and crash for a few hours. I told him that he was more than welcome to and I'd baby him if he needed it. He said he'd see me in the morning. I wonder if being sick has provided a little of that reality feeling. Hmm, sick by myself or sick with my wife who cares about me and how I feel. If he really didn't like me at all, he'd just stay in bed at the apartment instead of waking up to come over here to get back in bed.

[MichelleLT]

You are right! It's yet another baby step that he's even open to the idea!

You are doing some things right

[cw68]

Well, he was feeling well enough today to just go right into work without stopping by. As I told him, I was glad that I didn't tell the kids they would get to see him this morning, which I almost did. The kids are having a hard time with what's going on right now, but I am so proud of them that they are dealing with it so well.

Got some advice from my MIL during her visit. After the first day here, where she saw each of the kids cling to me at some point and tell me they didn't want me to go, she said that perhaps I shouldn't be saying goodbye to them or that I'd miss them, etc. That I should just put them to bed like usual, not mentioning that I was leaving or anything. She thought that if I just didn't bring it up or acknowledge those feelings that perhaps they wouldn't feel them. I told her that I appreciated the thought behind the suggestion but that this whole thing is here in this way because Oliver hid his feelings and I want my kids to feel free to express their feelings, that I can deal with anything they feel and I want them to know that I'm here for them. Uncharacteristically, she didn't say a word.

I digress. The kids. Yesterday at Target S5 kept saying that he loved Dad, didn't want him to go back to the apartment etc. When I told H this morning that I'm glad I didn't tell them they'd get to see them (and I didn't say it all b*tchy or anything) he asked how they were and I had to tell him the truth, that yet again in the morning they told me that they want to be able to hug me every morning, that it's not fair that they can't. H seemed affected by it.

It's not that I want him to feel guilty. But I do want him to really mull it over in his mind, in his heart and make sure he's thinking completely about what he's thinking of doing and how it's going to feel to the kids. This is something that we have the power to stop so they don't get hurt by it. Whether or not he choses that, I don't know.

[MichelleLT]

I think he does need to know what it'll be like if you do get D. That will be reality. So he needs to decide whether it's worth it. That's just life. If he feels guilty about it, oh well.

Of course, you don't want him to stay out of guilt, but it's a place to start building on.

[cw68]

Very well put, Michelle. That's exactly how I feel.

H gets a few more weeks of my doing things this way and if I don't see/feel a shift, or if he doesn't commit to Retro. I'm dark. Lovingly dark.

[cw68]

I didn't listen to my therapist about backing off this week. During the day for the past couple of days I did, but he invited me to stay for dinner tonight, so I figured it was OK to not back off.

Asked him if he wanted to watch a movie together tonight and he said no. I told him I assumed it was because spending time alone with me freaks him out and said, "My bad. I should know this." However, he said that wasn't it, rather he was stressed out about work and couldn't think about planning his evening. I thanked him for communicating with me. It really is a step for him.

That said, I think I did a little anti-DBing today, but it just seemed to fit our situation. He was supposed to be home at 5:30pm today and make dinner, a dinner he invited me to. At 5:15 he called and said that his boss just dumped something on him and that he'd be 30 minutes late or so and asked if I minded. I told him no and that I'd have to start dinner because the kids were hungry. Then I asked him if he could pick up some flooring pieces (no, this freaking project is NOT done yet, but should be tomorrow) before they closed as it's just a couple of blocks from his work. He said he would. Then I asked him if he wanted to see the movie with me and he gave me the negative answer.

After I told him my assumptions and he replied that it wasn't that but work and that he'd have to go back to the office after picking up the flooring pieces, I thanked him and said that I could have picked them up myself if he would have told me AND that, no problem on dinner because I'm here to help him navigate life's stresses. He didn't get home until 7:15pm and again thanked me. I took that opportunity to say that this is when it's helpful to have me as his wife, that it wouldn't be that big of a deal if we were together and that in terms of his career, being married to me is a good thing.

Probably not the best DBing, but I really feel that he takes me being a SAHM for granted and doesn't realize how it really helps him advance in his career. That's something that I think he needs to think about.

So, not a great day, not a bad day.

I need some great days!! In that vein, I made my day a little better and bought my new golf clubs today. Sweet clubs and a little splurge on myself, which is a big 180. Can't wait to see if I can get some time at the range in tomorrow. If not, Friday morning I'm SO there!

[MichelleLT]

Kudos on the golf clubs!

Sounds like dinner was nice.

If he'd had to be home for the kids, what would he have done about work? I mean, if you guys are D and he HAS to get them because you aren't there, what will he do? (I'm not saying you know the answer, but more as thinking out loud and hoping he really appreciates that fact).

I can't think this AM any more lol.

[cw68]

I don't know what he would have done and he hasn't had to figure that out yet. Half of me thinks I should make him figure that out, but then the other half says the kids would have to suffer. And, I don't work, so I don't exactly have a good excuse to not do it when our financial situation hasn't changed (ie, his paycheck pays the bills and my role is to stay home).

He invited me to come by earlier in the morning tomorrow because he's going to make a big breakfast for the kids. Do I listen to my therapist who says to back off or do I take him up on his offer?

Just got back from the therapist who thinks I need to detach some more. She's probably right.