You're right--my H knows objectively that he's crazy to walk away from a woman like me. I think he feels inadequate and hates himself. I happen to think that fixating on a "spark" after 19 years is absurd and I also know we could reignite the spark if we both wanted to.
The fact is, I share a lot of my pain and hurt here, but I really am GALing like crazy and not putting pressure on H or having many expectations at all. We spend a lot of time together and share a bed, so it's hard to do it perfectly. I certainly never say anything about our R anymore.
What's odd right now is that H seems annoyed by me acting as if. I am mostly pleasant and friendly and I think that bugs him because it seems like I am in denial about the impending S. I am not standing in his way if he wants to leave, but I'm not going to get the ball rolling either. And we have kids, so life goes on until he decides to change our lives.
He is so averse to talking about the R, and so conflict-averse that I think he is in hell trying to make the S really happen. He is a huge procrastinator and I am usually the one who makes things happen--makes the call to the electrician, puts the check in the mailbox, etc. He's working fulltime now and comes home for dinner. An apt is not going to fall out of the sky. He has to actually go look at some and bite the bullet and fork over some rent--all those kinds of things are VERY hard for him. He often knows what needs to be done in any given situation, but then he doesn't follow through unless I take charge.
My C, who I saw yesterday alone, says it's hard to imagine him actually deciding "OK tonight's the night i'm going to tell the kids." He's thought a lot about what he will say to them--but I know he must be TERRIFIED to actually sit them down. He hates being the bad guy, hates hurting and disappointing people.
So it's limbo. I'm not standing in his way--though he knows I don't want to S at all from what I've said before. He is now lying in the bed he's made, having to face the things about himself that he most hates (the procrastination, etc.) and somehow that makes him angry at me--as if it's my fault.
I appreciate your insights--they are right on. I really have come a long way on the DB front, though I still have a way to go.
As for a dealbreaker, I don't know. An A would likely do it. Some days just the coldness and rejection from him feels like enough. It's complicated, also, by the fact that he has been the breadwinner for almost our entire M. So separating from H is not just an emotional thing, it's also scary for me financially.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
