Just Honest..

[Nutty Chick]

I believe H gets closer to OW when he feels bad. So if they are rhe drug how is that feeling supposed to return???

Stop making him feel like he 'needs' her for support.

If you have a row with him...who does her turn to? HER. He probably goes to her with all his worries and concerns and she makes him feel better.


I KNOW this happened with my H.

We had a big argument and he phoned OW straight away and told her all about it.
(a good friend of mine works with H and witnessed the whole situation)

That was enough for me to vow to never to row with him again. If he wants to bond with OW aver something, it wasn’t going to be me.

I gave him nothing to complain about so when he phoned or went round to hers and she asked if he had heard from me, he had no exciting story to tell her. It was either nothing or arrangements for our son.

Pull the plug on his drama and let him find something else to entertain OW with.

Nutty.

[Nutty Chick]

I find that hard because I have never had anyone "Hate" me so much and not know why.

What makes you think he hates you?

How do you feel about him?

Nutty.

[kikifree]

Hello Nutty,

I guess I believe he hates me bythe way he treats me. H acts like I am someone he doesn't know or care about.

I love him. i could never hate him. We grew up together . HGe was a big part of my life. I have tolds him I could never hate him and he knows it.

H had asked his mom to stop speaking to me and she has. I recieved a small email from her last month , thanking me for pics of D7. First in almost two years. He has basically made me nonexsistant in his life.

I know the word hate is strong.I don't like it.

I will give h no fuel to run to OW.

[peacetoday]

Kiki
I was reading part of your thread and I loved Surprize me post
I think also when they get rid of us they think the pain will stop
and maybe when it doesnt, they try harder to get rid of us
but it doesnt work and it is totally insane, but they left for the same reason, we were the cause of their pain and they mediacated the pain all this time with OW, spending, recreation, fun ,work drugs ect nothing worked
but have they ever really faced the pain head on or are they still in a form of running maybe they faced a little of it then ran more and have done a dance to avoid doing what the crises is about. feeling, growing and changing themselves...
this may be the one last attempt to avoid
if he treats you this way, maybe the pain will diminish since you are cause so he will wipe you out of his life,,he may belive this on some level
you may represent a parent or another person from his wounded past that he cant face
just a thought
peace

[kikifree]

Hey peace,

I totally agree wirh your post.

H says he doesn't hold anger but that is totslly obvious.

I didn't DB too well yesterday.

I texted h earlier to see if D7 had practice.he ignored me.

When he came to pick up D7 I went over to his car and asked him. he had an attitude.

i asked H why do you not respond to my questions aboutD7. At this point, I was stil being kind.

h responded...kiki, I don't like you. He was on the phone with someone and this totally embarassed me.

As I was talking to him ,he rolled the window up just before he closed it on my hand.

When he pulled around D7 did nt want to go with him.
I didnt force her .I ignored him.

H asked why I was being that way. I told h you don't like me , now I am going to treat you the same.

I know it isn't right to react to him..but I honestly have had enough. I respect myself . If that is incorrect DBing , that is fine. But I cannot continue letting him be so rude and disrespectful to me. Yes, I can turn the other way . But when I ALWAYS respond to him with kindness and he continues to belittle me..It just isn't right.

I am happy with the way I ended it with him. i gained my self respect back.

[a new 2moro]

...kiki, I don't like you.

HE IS SAYING HE DOESNT LIKE HIMSELF.....HE MIRRORS WHAT HE DOESNT LIKE ABOUT HIMSELF ONTO YOU. OW GETS HIS POSTIVE FEELINGS ABOUT HIMSELF, THATS WHY ITS THAT "SOULMATE" THING

[kikifree]

hey Anew,

Thank you for stopping by. Yes, i agree he doesn't like himslf andthat is why he projects it on me. I have not been rude to H . i try so hard. Yesterday, he got to me. I know we are not suppose to react.

It also seems alot of the H's her are at least able to correspond to their LBS about the kids. Mine can't even do that. i find him to be extreme.

[Upside]

Hi kiki-
For years my interaction with my XH was similar to what is going on with you and your H. I didn't know about DB then and maybe it would have made a difference...maybe not. Anyway, I could do NOTHING right as far as my XH was concerned even if I tried as hard as I could. I always thought it was so odd that someone who left me with 2 babies for an OW could show no remorse or regret...only hostility. It has taken me going through this with my H to understand that my XH continually made me out to be the bad guy so he could justify why he did what he did. He couldn't let himself think of me as a decent person because that would make him be a monster for doing what he did to me and our children. I see that this is exactly what your H is doing. The only thing I can think of that might help the situation is if you find could find anyway to give your H validation for his feelings...to try to help him convince himself that he isn't a monster. You have probably already tried this many times...if so, have you noticed any improvements in the way he acts?

It is kind of strange but right now my XH and I are getting along better now than we probably have since we divorced. I believe the main reason is because we are trying to work together to help my S. I hope it continues especially for my kids sake. It could help if you and your H could find some common goal that could put you on a path to a better relationship...but your H is probably going to have to get rid of his anger first...his anger at himself.

Have a good weekend kiki.

<3
Upside

[kikifree]

Hi upsid,

That is the thing..I have tred to gt along with H for the sake of D7. i have been kind. I have told him i understood he is hurtng. I havetold him I hold nothing against him. I have not been able to validate his feelings because he doesn't say anything to me.

I know I am not in the right all the time. But I do feel compassion for him. I do understand how he feels.

I told him I understood him and cared for him and hoped one day we could communicate better.

Honestly, this is a 180 for me.

I have always coward to H.,

[Nutty Chick]

he doesn't like himslf andthat is why he projects it on me.

That is so true.
so when you are nice to him he can't understand it.
Give him what he wants - Less Contact.
He won’t be able to blame you for his unhappiness then.
It is difficult with a child I know that.
But you are starting to sound stronger now.

Nutty