he said no, oh dear heavens he said no to the 17k. I will not incurr into a 6k debt just to pay him off.
The refinancing would get his name off the house, but won't the quitclaim have the same power? of not letting him benefit from it? Down the line, would I still have to refinance (i'm afraid the answer is yes, that I'd still have to refinance).
I sung victory too soon, he said it was absurd, he won't take that "little".
I told him he'd have to move his stuff if I got married, or in 3yrs, he said no, no way, it'd be still his house, it was a financial arraingment and that I cannot bring 'emotion' into it (when I told him that i'd be akward for everyone if I get M and he gets comes to the property still. I had already bargain him down from 2x a month to 1x. He said it was bad enough he was conceeding to the fact that my "hubby' would live there and he wouldnt get paid. That i'm just looking for reasons to make this worse.
back to square one, he wants those 5yrs or go to court, wont budge anymore.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
If you haven't already done so, value everything, be realistic. Put a value on the used furniture (big stuff) as a price you would get at an estate sale. (not much)
Consider the real value on selling the house, a price for which the house really would sell (do not anticipate putting money into it). I think you said no equity right?
In CA, you split everything down the middle including retirement accounts accumulated after getting married.
If you put his shoes on, does the settlment you are proposing seem fair?
Now, if you liquidate everything, is he better or worse off? If you factor in court (and maybe attorney) costs, how is he looking now?
Many states allow mediators to be hired to come up with a workable SA which is cheaper than having lawyers run up bills for both of you.
Once you have done the math, you can present the options to him including going before a mediator. If he is presented options, he should choose the one that makes the most sense for him. I can't see how going to court can work for him.
Getting married argument the dialogues about getting married don't seem to be helping the matter. The real issue is you want your privacy and you want ties cut cleanly, for the sake of the kids. If you two are having tension in the future, the kids will pick up on it.
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
I gotta agree on this. Constantly referring back to the, "if I get married" serves no purpose other than to stir the pot. The truth of it is, you want your space, privacy, and freedom. That's not dependent on a new marriage, or the old one. So, it's time to get that topic out of the discussions.
You want your space. You'd prefer it be in your house. You want to figure out what it takes for him to give you that. And you already know he's mostly talk, so fine. Let him head to court if he wants to go down that road. He's NOT going to like a court ordered settlement any more than he likes your ideas, because the judge doesn't care what he wants. The judge cares what the law says is fair and equitable.
I had told him that I want my privacy, him coming into the house for 5yrs ins't a good idea and would likely cause friction. His reply was that coming into the house doesn't bother him and that it will still be his house until I pay him all I owe him. He says he does not see a problem with him coming over (me being uncomfortable is not a factor for him), that for now he has no place to keep kids so he's just going to have to come, again, he reminds me his name is on the house thus he has the right to come. Peppered through out the convo was his favorite phrase "then pay me my money".
I need a financial advisor or fork up to see the L again (arghh!!!), I have a few ideas cooking in my head, too many numbers. The parts are all there, just scattered. I was thinking of still getting the loan, give him 16k which will enable me to get his name off the house and him to get his own place thus freeing me of his presence and his crap off the shed, pay off my car and still have some extra money, not as much as before but still coming up with 200$ extra even after factoring in the new mortgage payment.
I guess there is no way around it but to pay the 5.875 of interest to get rid of him, it irks me I will be loosing money because of him.
I also thought about offering him 16k now if he agrees to lower the total amount from 23k to 21k -- as long as he agrees to get his own place and get his stuff out my house.
BIG question, during a D, who pays for refinance if it gets to that? the person keeping the house? perhaps there is no rule of thumb and the judge decides based on the income/status of each spouse. I brought up refinancing the home in the future and how he might have to pay for half. He balked, he said he rather stay M forever (he even said I could file and pay for it!) and that way he would never pay a cent towards refinancing and his name would be on the house forever.
It's like talking to a brick wall. C2H, I thougth I was being fare, he knows he'd get far less if we were to sell the house, but he says he rather go to court to have the right to fight to keep his stuff in the house, that his L would fight the 5yr loan and that he wasn't going to give in into any more, that he was still mad about being used as a bank if I get M and he doesnt' get paid in full.
ISH!! this has a solution, I just need to sit down and work with the numbers.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat you shouldn't try to do this without the advice of an attorney. And you have to refi in your name only. A quitclaim deed will be effective yes, but good luck getting him to sign it. I hoped he'd take the 17K but apparently he's vying for jackass of the week with some other WASs around here.
You have got to untangle yourself from this man because it sounds like he's inclined to make you pay emotionally and mentally regarding the house for as long as he can. When things take a turn like that, you need a lawyer.
That said, he could still change his mind in the next 5 minutes...
If he wants this thing to go to court are you willing to air all his dirty laundry and file for divorce on the grounds of adultery and/or desertion? You could and you have the evidence to back it up. I'd put it to him like that if I were you.
Just let it hit the fan and see where it lands.
I think he'll play ball if you put it to him like that.
But I've been wrong before.
It's just not right considering the circumstances that led you to this stage that he have you by the balls.
I'd like to see it the other way around myself.
And since you've basically bent over backwards being kind and respectful and gotten a bunch of BS in return, I'd say it's time for a new kind of stand.
Fact is, he abandoned the house when he left. That's in your favor. HE's the one holding up an agreement out of court. He's the one bullying. That tells me he's afraid, and figures if he barks loud enough that you'll be too scared to whap him on the a$$ with that newspaper. I say, whap 'im. You DO have him by the b@lls. He just doesn't realize it yet. He WILL lose a lot more than you either way.
- first of all, try to keep in mind WHY he's doing all this. While we're all busy here figuring out logical solutions to this impass, HE'S operating out of a primitive fear of losing contact with you. It's a pretty common scenario I've seen here, where the WAS tries to hold up the divorce with nit-picky issues because deep down they're conflicted about divorcing; they want their addiction (OP) but would really like you to still be there waiting for them to come home. Bear this in mind whenever you interact with him, and ask yourself "will this get me closer to my goal (in this case, a good divorce settlement)". He'll try to push your buttons in order to get attention from you, just like a kid acting out.
- How was this figure arrived at that you would owe your H? Is it based on home equity that is rapidly falling? Make sure that any value assigned to the house equity is based on CURRENT value, and try to see if you can get costs of selling deducted from that. (For instance: Say you have a home worth $100,000 and a mortgage of $80,000. Most people would say you have $20,000 equity, right? But really, if you turned around after the divorce and SOLD the house, you'd have to pay realtor fees, and probably closing costs in this market, and maybe have to fix something - even on a "handyman's special" - just to get it sold. So - after $6,000 realtor fees, $3,000 closing costs, $1,000 repairs - you'd only profit $10,000. So don't trade away $20,000 of, say, pension for only $10,000 of actual housing equity.
- you've mentioned that you would owe him money for debts. Assuming these are mutually acquired debts (not money he spent on OW) - what assurance do you have that he would actually pay off those debts with the money you gave? Will your money go directly to the debts? Will you be on the hook for his half if he stops paying? Whose name is on the credit cards?
- If you lay out some actual numbers for me I could give you more of an idea. House value, current mortgage amount, pensions, debt. And really, spending a little money for a consultation with a lawyer, just to have a clearer idea of what you're entitled to to bring to mediation, is probably a good investment.
hey folks, thanks for all the input! my head is still reeling from the options.
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And you have to refi in your name only
that pretty much would make me decide to go through with the loan, if in the future I have to refinance anyways I will have to pay for it, I was hoping that perhaps that the court has both Ss pay for the refinancing. If I have to refinance and get rid of him perhaps this is the way to go.
The clock is ticking, the loan lady told me the rate she gave me might not be good tomorrow, wish I could see a L now.
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You could and you have the evidence (of A) to back it up. I'd put it to him like that if I were you.
I did, many times, he knows I have tons of evidence, picts and all. His answer "well, you'd still be screwed too, you'd loose $ in Ls and my L would fight the 5yr loan" So basically, it's ok for him to loose $ as long as I do too.
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He WILL lose a lot more than you either way.
Yes, he will loose, even the mediator told him he wouldnt get 50% of the house. He knows this, he doest care or as you say it is just him barking hoping I get scared and give in.
Kml, as of why he is doing this, he just wants his money OR leave his stuff there until I pay him. He has nowhere to put his stuff, not even a decent place to take kids to for a few hrs.
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How was this figure arrived at that you would owe your H
I totally get what you say, at the beginning we did factor in the fact that a realtor would costs us 13k (I had one come home and give me an estimate). Yes, the house is prized on todays market for 190k , minus 143k already paid leaves us with 47k, his half being 23k. His L told him that in court if I want to buy him out the judge will leave out realtor fees since I will be staying in the house.
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you've mentioned that you would owe him money for debts. Assuming these are mutually acquired debts
Those are debts he had when he left the first time in 2005, plus perhaps 3k he accumulated after he left this year. That is his other threat, that since I took him back last yr and we are still M his L can make me pay for them even though they were all his expenses: suits for him, restaurants, gadgets and lots of things MLC/ow related purchases. He agreed on taking that big debt with him, all the other joint cc debts we had were paid in full with our tax refunds.
OK, tell me if this is a good idea:
I offer him 16k now if he lowers the total debt to 21k, since I will be paying him a big amount in bulk instead of giving him 230 per month I'd give him 150$ with the promise to pay him the rest in 4yrs assuming he'll take his stuff out of the house and have a place of his own.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
