Nutty, You couldnt be more right. I need to make this about what I want and what is good for me and what I can tolerate. You are making things much clearer for me, and I thank you for that. I never used to think in my entire life before my H's MLC struck, that he would ever leave me. My H texted me several times this evening: H:"I'm ready, Its still confusing though". H: "is it too late right now?" tip:"Yea its kinda late and I would rather c u another day and tommorow is pretty full". H:"I agree no rush, but I want to do this thing". H: " Do you trust me - yes or no"? (what is he in middle school or something - wow!!!!!!!!!!!) H: "Thats the core issue Hun, I love you - but we cant be together". H: "So it hurts -ALOT! but we have to sucumb to the facts. Pain is weakness leaving the body. be my friend. Please. I miss you".
I didn't respond to any of his texts other than the first one.
He is pissed off right now - I am sure of it. He is also probably wasted at the bar or strip club. He wants to bait me into a fight and to talking to him in texts, and I will not crumble. If he wants to talk to me it will be in person. He is such a coward right now. He wants me to fall for it, I need to be strong and stop doing what I have always done - he needs to feel more like he's gonna lose me. TIPPER
He needs to come right out of his comfort zone if he wants to have a discussion with you. It needs to be face to face and sober.
Does he have problems saying what he feels when he hasn’t been drinking?
What was his family like as a child? Does he come from a dysfunctional family?
Nutty.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Nutty, Yes his family was pretty disfunctional. His dad was also a depressed alcoholic that used to beat all 3 of his kids, especially my H. He feels his mom was a coward for not stopping it. His sister had a high school pregnancy and is now causing some major family crisis/trauma again now at 26yrs old that could rip his family apart. His mom was venting to me the other night and telling me that she feels her family is just so F'd up and she was telling me she wished that I was her daughter instead. I feel bad for them all right now. His older brother is the only one that is drama free right now and staying far away.
H text me at 1:45am and said, "maybe we can get together tommorow, I love you and I am trying to figure out where you stand in all of this". Then he text again at 2:00am and said, "I will love you for ever".
I didnt respond. But I feel I should now since he broke another boundary of not calling after midnight.
I am gonna text him and tell him to not do it again, and if he wants to talk - I am busy tonight and he will have to reschedule.
Ok, So I text him that response from above and he just text back and said: "I am sorry you told me before not to text you after midnight and I just lost track of time last night. I will see you later & I am very sorry".
It's about time he is sorry about something instead of turning it around to be my fault.
Nutty, Yes his family was pretty disfunctional. His dad was also a depressed alcoholic that used to beat all 3 of his kids, especially my H. He feels his mom was a coward for not stopping it.
I could have guessed that was the kind of upbringing he had.
He has never been shown how to be a good father and husband.
He has learned that woman will take mistreatment and do nothing about it. He doesn’t seem to have a lot of respect for woman… (going to strip clubs, not respecting your boundaries etc)
You have a real battle on your hands here tipper.
It is almost like he wants to be with you, but is afraid of becoming his dad (and you becoming his mum).
Is this MLC or is he living the life he learned as a child?
Nutty.
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Nutty, Our early years together were absolutely great. We had some ups and downs due to him straying twice (short affairs) before we got married while I was away at college. H asked me to marry him as soon as I graduated from college, and we both started our careers.
His career is everything to him. He started his own construction business and did very well the first 4 yrs or so. Then he had a few bad jobs that led him into a large debt and that is when everything started: the drinking, the depression, the talks of suicide, and him telling me he thinks we should'nt be together. Once he finally went bankrupt and started replay, he dropped the bomb on me. This last winter he broke off our first reconciliation becuase he said his heart wasnt in it and he wanted to focus on his new auto mechanics shop he was trying to open up. Then, after about 3 months of being gone - opening his new business - and then closing it after only 1 week, he came back to me again. That time only lasted a week though and he was gone again, off to the bars and drinking heavily as usual.
Now he is sticking with re-starting his construction business. Doesnt seem to be going great, but he is surviving. He is going to move in a month out of his apartment in town next to all the bars and go to a small house that is about 3 miles out of town right next to our first home we had together. Hopefully this will keep him out of the bars a bit. He has big fears of getting a dwi since he drinks almost all day long so if he drives anywhere - he is usually under the influence.
My H has a wonderful family for what I know and see of them. There is all this talk my H has told me of how bad his childhood was and I just never saw it. His dad treats his mom like gold and has become kind to all his kids. I never saw his anger and temper and beatings from the time I was 16 and first met them all. I know they happened but his dad has changed. His mom is an oncology nurse (head of her floor) and his dad was a constuction worker and now works in a factory making "stickly" furniture. His mom is the bread winner. I think since I am a teacher and my H is a const. worker. My H used to make more money than me, but now he has nothing since his spending spree's on all his mlc toys and his bankruptcy.
I sure hope that this is a MLC or a transitional life crisis, since it's the only thing that has kept me sane through out all of this. The only part that doesnt really follow along is his age, as he just turned 29. But I have read that this type of crisis is know to effect even younger ages too.
He has gone through denial clearly for about a year, and then anger stage for about a whole other year, then he was in drastic replay for about a 1/2 year. His 50 yr old aunt died of cancer over last summer and he needed me, so it woke him up enough to come back and piece with me for 5 months and now he has been gone again for about 5 months with small reconnections in between. Now he seems to be mixed between replay/depression/withdrawl/acceptance all at one time. He drinks heavily/cant sleep at night/wont talk with me much and has lost most of his old friendships/and constantly calls to check if I am dating others and says he loves me.
I cant figure him out so I have stopped trying. He is so messed up and drinks toooooooo much. I do; however, strongly feel that this is a MLC all the way, if not one of the worst cases on this board.
All my friends and family and even his family cant stand him anymore. Even some aquaintences that dont know us that well, tell me he must have a screw loose to have thrown away all that he has. Some of my friends are scared for me even to be around him and think he is psychotic and dont trust him at all - and some of these friends have even know him longer than I have. He has burned many many bridges.
Anyways, H hasnt contacted me to get together this weekend. I think I made him mad when I wouldn't jump at him or his "I luv you" texts this last week. I need actions now, and his are speaking clearly to me that he is very unsure of his love for me. He cant even face me right now after 13 years of a relationship. How sad. TIPPER
He recently really seems to be trying to re- establish himself and turn into a completely different person with all new life and friends.
My H has finally decided that he can commit to seeing me tonight to talk about our R.
I am scared to death. I have no idea where he stands. He has been kind and loving in his texts to me most of the week and he keeps saying that he is wondering where I stand in all of this.
So what the heck do I tell him? I usually try to avoid R talks and D talks. Now this is the whole reason he wants to get together.
I am planning on just saying : I am not moving on with anyone else, but I am moving forward and going out and meeting people and having fun with my life. I would like to see us try to reconcile, but I cant force you to want to try. So I am moving forward and focusing on myself.
If he says he wants a D, or that we just cant be together, then I will say: I am sorry you feel that way .
My main goal is to be friendly to him and show him happiness. This will not be an easy task. I will try to do a lot of listening and keep the conversation based on small talk and catching up.
If he is loving and saying he is just confused then I will tell him to take more time to think about things before making any decisions.
Tipper I suggest you don’t tell him anything. Let him tell you what he wants to and you just listen, really listen and validate what you hear him saying. Then go home mull over what he has said and see how you feel.
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I am planning on just saying : I am not moving on with anyone else, but I am moving forward and going out and meeting people and having fun with my life. I would like to see us try to reconcile, but I cant force you to want to try. So I am moving forward and focusing on myself.
Too much info.
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If he is loving and saying he is just confused then I will tell him to take more time to think about things before making any decisions.
What about you? How long can you stand limbo land? It isn't all up to him. You have choices too.
Good luck with it and remember .. listen more than you talk.
nutty x
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Nutty, Hey there, thanks again for the good advise. I got it just in time before I met up with my H tonight.
I cant even believe it, He totally apologized and told me he wants to try to work things out again. He said there is nothing more he would rather do right now then to give this another shot. He said He knows he has hurt me badly and that he has tried to see things from my point of view and to walk in my shoes. He said he knows he will have to rebuild my trust and he said he knows he can. He also said that he realizes that he cant just drink every night and go to the bars that much if this is gonna work out.
I just listened. Then when he was finished talking it was very silent and I finally said that I need some time to think about this and I would like to start really slow and just try to be friends first.
He agreed and decided we could just start by taking a walk with each other and the dog a few times. Then he said maybe we could build it up to a few dinner dates.
He thanked me for giving him my time and for being so good to him all through out. I told him thank you for coming to talk with me in person. He asked me if he could get a hug from me so I accepted. He helped me get the dog in the car, and then came around to my seat and reached in for another hug and he planted me a kiss on my cheeck and thanked me again for being open to this.
WOW!!!! I have no idea what to expect. But I do know that now I need to be very strong and to start applying all that I have learned this year in a whole different way. And definitely take this really slow. I still have my doubts, he still seems very confused up untill our chat, so I hope this isnt just another cycle.
Any advise would be great as usual. Thanks, TIPPER p.s. I am planning on starting a new thread to attract some more thoughts on reconciliation, so look for me there: "Husband wants to reconcile again-try#4"
