Didn't notice when posting the above, but had a text from my W. Basically accusing me of not wanting to take time off work to spend with boys for me and making out it's a favour for her and reiterating that were over and I need to build a relationship with them. To me, it's just twisting the fact, but I responded
I'm sorry it seems that way. I want to take time off to spend with the boys, but was trying to discuss with you how I did it to try and avoid you having 4 full weeks with the two of them on your own.
I did start to type about her outburst in front of them (see above) but bit my tongue. Did I handle that well ? Should I address the outburst when speaking to her ?
That is the first time she has text me in a while at all and got the old grey matter working OT !!!
Arthur, I think you did a good job with the text. I would handle the outburst face to face. Do it with a smaile on your face away from the kids. I would set a boundary with her about outburst in front of the children.
Yeah, I think it needs to be addressed and I did ask her to show me a bit more respect as she never (rarely) says please or thank you, so things are orders. I always say it for her as a hint, but I'm pretty sure she does that to try and wind me up. Thing is, it doesn't anymore, but I just think manners as a free and easy thing that we should teach our kids. They cost nothing but mean a lot.
The advice that PING GAVE ME ABOUT MC IS PASTED BELOW.
It may work or may not. Good luck. _______________________
Mike, in an earlier post you mentioned that you are going to C to save your marriage, your W is going to be friendly during this. What I'm about to tell you may not be correct but it is worth a try.
Our W's can see it all over our faces that we want to save our M, this lets them know that they have us so they have no reason to try, right? This is what I would suggest you do, when you go to C tomorrow, don't talk about R, talk about how you and your W can be happy after the D, I know this sounds weird but I am thinking this would be a huge 180 and will throw your W for a loop, she may begin to think more about what she is doing if she sees that you will go forward regardless of what happens. She will walk into C knowing what you are going to be saying so I am sure she will go in there with a negative attitude to begin with, change it up on her, see what happens. Once you do this, don't bring it back up. She will think more about what she is doing.
Now of course these are only my suggestions, they may be correct, they may not, hey there at least worth a try. Good luck tomorrow.
Cheers M, sounds a dangerous line and more a LRT TBH. I'd be interested in what others think about this approach ?
Other thing is, I was thinking along the lines of saying that I am prepared to work to save my marriage, but at the same time I won't beg or plead and am prepared to let my W go. This is kinda what my thinking was when I accepted it was over.
My intention is to then talk about co parenting and the rules around that, what happens further down the line. I.E. I would want joint custody and also to sell the house so that I have somewhere the boys can come to stay with me etc etc, laying my expectations out for my W to see. Not be unreasonable, but I think she has this misguided thinking around what happens if we split based on I, go, she gets house and I pay for it till X happens and that aint happening. As said before by someone, if She wants out the relationship and isn't prepared to work at it, she can get a bum deal too. I'll not leave myself short and not in a position to have the relationship with my kids that I want for her being a quitter.
I'm just typing fast though that might come out angry, I'm actually not. Just expressing my thought.
Anyone know the general legalities in the UK ? or any websites where I can find them ?
Cheers M, sounds a dangerous line and more a LRT TBH. I'd be interested in what others think about this approach ?
Other thing is, I was thinking along the lines of saying that I am prepared to work to save my marriage, but at the same time I won't beg or plead and am prepared to let my W go. This is kinda what my thinking was when I accepted it was over.
My intention is to then talk about co parenting and the rules around that, what happens further down the line. I.E. I would want joint custody and also to sell the house so that I have somewhere the boys can come to stay with me etc etc, laying my expectations out for my W to see. Not be unreasonable, but I think she has this misguided thinking around what happens if we split based on I, go, she gets house and I pay for it till X happens and that aint happening. As said before by someone, if She wants out the relationship and isn't prepared to work at it, she can get a bum deal too. I'll not leave myself short and not in a position to have the relationship with my kids that I want for her being a quitter.
I'm just typing fast though that might come out angry, I'm actually not. Just expressing my thought.
Anyone know the general legalities in the UK ? or any websites where I can find them ?
Well A, it probably is last resort. papers have been served on me and they are about to be answered. So it is a last resort technique I suppose..but don't you think it will make my W pause for just a second?? she is going to think that I am going in to save the M, just like I have in the last 6 sessions..I go in saying I want to learn to be friends after, think that will shake her a bit?? it should
She should also be shook when she gets the papers and they say 50/50 on the visitation w/D...she always wanted to be a mom..waited 41 years to be one, with this D she may only get to be a part time mom...
No, you might of got me wrong there. It may be right for you (sorry can't remember how long since the bomb in your sitch), but I'm just a month or 2 'officially' in. During that I'd say only really been getting my head together for 3 or 4 weeks with 1 major back slide last week.
I do really need to find out the legalities to protect myself tho, so if it comes to it i can go to the second or third sessions very prepared.
I really just want to keep up the GALing, the 'as if' ing and the family holidays out the way first, then I will re evaluate.
Returned home last night and was real happy, which W noticed and she commented again on that this morning.
Found out something funny last night though, my W had mentioned to someone that I was no going out a bit, but that I wouldn't be able to keep up with here. almost like she thinks it's a challenge or a game and that I'm only going out because she is and not because I want to.... I did laugh. She wouldn't keep up with me anyway, but I just feel the weight has been lifted from my shoulders and that I can now go out without being made to feel guilty. I had stopped doing it trying to be a good husband and spend time with my W as we have young children, so money and sleep obviously a priority, but where did that get me.
Looking forward to a couple of nights out this weekend with my friends. Something that I hadn't done enough of for a long time (see above)
Nothing major to post today, maybe this evening you never know. Didn't mention it, but when addressing the sitch this evening, I did my first real 'listening' and 'empathising' if you like. Accepted why W reasoning why she did said what she said, but then said it's not acceptable either way in front of the kids.
I'm going to use that more going forward as it seemed to work.
I slipped a little this morning by accident, but in a good way (I think). I complimented my W on her looks etc but also said darling when doing so. Complete slip, but she didn't say anything
Returned home last night and was real happy, which W noticed and she commented again on that this morning.
Found out something funny last night though, my W had mentioned to someone that I was no going out a bit, but that I wouldn't be able to keep up with here. almost like she thinks it's a challenge or a game and that I'm only going out because she is and not because I want to.... I did laugh. She wouldn't keep up with me anyway, but I just feel the weight has been lifted from my shoulders and that I can now go out without being made to feel guilty. I had stopped doing it trying to be a good husband and spend time with my W as we have young children, so money and sleep obviously a priority, but where did that get me.
Looking forward to a couple of nights out this weekend with my friends. Something that I hadn't done enough of for a long time (see above)
Nothing major to post today, maybe this evening you never know. Didn't mention it, but when addressing the sitch this evening, I did my first real 'listening' and 'empathising' if you like. Accepted why W reasoning why she did said what she said, but then said it's not acceptable either way in front of the kids.
I'm going to use that more going forward as it seemed to work.
I slipped a little this morning by accident, but in a good way (I think). I complimented my W on her looks etc but also said darling when doing so. Complete slip, but she didn't say anything
It's sad but I think sometimes it's viewed as a game sometimes. Get out and show her that you can play.
Showing her empathy and listening is a good thing. She will aprreciate that. Women like that. They just want us to listen even if we consider it rambling.
Slip ups are common, I would not worry about it. Keep up the good work.
Thanx M. I do feel I'm doing reasonably well for where I'm at and my thinking is that I'm acting pretty 'as if' and just getting on with stuff, but still being nice and polite and being a good ad etc, that some of the guilt my W has not expressed is coming out but in such a way that she can't help but give the nasty comments.
Really thinking of you and your C tonight M. Hope it goes real well and remember to take an extra few seconds before speaking to digest what your being asked or to make sure what you say doesn't mess up your progress
