Just Honest..

[SirPrizeMe]

I want to offer a different perspective, maybe a view from the other side of the "angry spouse". This is something that came to me as I observed my own angry spouse. Other people have seen anger in her too, independently of me, so I don't think her anger is something I am imagining. But I want to maybe peek into that and see where it comes from.

My wife left our marriage, was unfaithful, then when I discovered her deceit, she regretted it, but then did it some more. I maintained that I wanted to reconcile, and worked hard on myself and on our marriage. She on the other hand never left OM, even while we were in counseling. She came upon this idea that "I'll stay in my marriage if it feels right." Sort of the exact opposite of "Love is a decision." Her thing was "Love is a feeling". She got the "feeling" - new love, the excitement, the spontaneity, etc - from her affair with OM.

Anyway, the "decision vs feeling" discrepancy seemed to drive a further wedge between us. She was hopeless as she came to a realization that her "feeling" for me would not return all by itself. She wanted it to be a natural growth, just sort of osmosis. If she worked on it, it would not be true, ya know? While I washed her car and meditated on her good qualities, I smiled and focused on the positives, she sat passive and over time felt (I think) more and more that there was no good way out.

I told her how much I valued her presence in my life, what I loved about her, the memories we shared and the memories we had yet to make. With 4 young kids we have so much ahead of us. This felt like pressure to her, I think. Pressure because she wasn't "Feeling it". When our counselor suggested she share something like that with me, she just refused. Couldn't, wouldn't.

Fast forward a while - she filed for divorce, and became very angry. It was the oddest thing to me - this is what she wanted, or seemed to want, all along, and now she was going to get it. She should be glad. Relieved. But yet she was noticeably MORE angry and erratic, blowing up at little things, venting, very hostile.

AND, like your husband Kiki, my wife avoids me now. It's much more explicit with me - she has filed a petition for a domestic violence protection order, and that petition was granted. She wants NO CONTACT with me whatsoever, and now the law is behind her.
Why? Why is she angry and pushing away so strongly?

There was no violent act that precipitated her petitioning the state for protection from me. But I do not deny there was something traumatic for her in our interactions - the trauma of discussing our divorce. In the days and weeks prior to her filing for protection from me, we had regular contact on things like where the kids will live, how we will settle on a custody arrangement, our respective budgets, and so on. In other words, the mechanics of divorce. She couldn't handle it, so went nuclear.

She wants it, but doesn't want it. It's as if she wants to eject me from her life, completely, but she wants none of the other consequences. She insists on divorce but refuses to discuss with me a parenting plan. She is getting a restricted budget but refuses to sell the convertible we bought her for her birthday. She has to move. She will be forced (practically if not legally speaking) to get a job. From now on, the kids will be wearing discount shoes instead of the Nike's they want. All of this is what makes her angry, I think.

She is realizing that she has set this course of motion in place. She is getting what she asked for, though, and I know this sounds totally pompous, I don't think she realized truly what divorce would be like.

At the same time, her OM is showing his true colors: he has been arrested multiple times for DUI, he is going to jail, he has essentially abandoned his own children. This is her "soulmate." How pitiful. How ridiculous to have thrown away a good life and a workable marriage for this!? At the same time she CANNOT come back to me because it would mean shouldering the responsibility for the mess. She cannot do it. It would mean a total loss for her sense of self. It is too much for her. So she is well and truly screwed. I may be over-analyzing, but this is what I see.

Getting back to your guy, his situation is different than my wife's. But even still, is it possible that he is just pissed at what he has done? He is just angry at the consequences of his own making. And when you approach him, still happy, cheerful, not interested in combat, he feels even worse. He would rather you hate him, throw grenades at him. He sees your cheer and resents you even more. He just wants to eject you, because he cannot face the truth. Nor can he face the consequences.

If this is so, then the best thing is not to text him and await replies. Nor to ask how he is, nor to show any concern for him at all. It seems to me (and I am no expert, this is just my opinion) the best thing for you now might be to just really back off and detach as Lissie and others have suggested. It's just to back off, completely off.

Actually that is sort of the wrong perspective. "Backing off" still sort of refers to the spouse, doesn't it? You are "backing off FROM this person." A better way to look at it may be not that you are going away from him, but that you are going TOWARD something else. Do your thing, or if you don't have a thing, get one. The proverbial get-a-life advice. I know this sounds crappy, because your thing is your husband, your marriage. (I am that way, too). But that ain't happening right now. So what does make you happy? Do it. Find something. Find a new you.

How on earth can I make him feel safe if he has a brick wall up???

You cannot MAKE him feel or do anything. You can only do what you do, and wait. In a while maybe he will feel differently, or maybe you will.

I am so sorry you are here.

[Nutty Chick]

Kiki

Why do you think your H wants to keep you away from his home and OW?

Nutty.

[kikifree]

SirPrizeme,

you have given me something to ponder on.


It amazes me how what you say is what I see.

She wants it, but doesn't want it. It's as if she wants to eject me from her life, completely, but she wants none of the other consequences. She insists on divorce but refuses to discuss with me a parenting plan

I could have wrote that myself.

And this:

Fast forward a while - she filed for divorce, and became very angry. It was the oddest thing to me - this is what she wanted, or seemed to want, all along, and now she was going to get it. She should be glad. Relieved. But yet she was noticeably MORE angry and erratic, blowing up at little things, venting, very hostile.

You sound so clear in what you write. When i read your situation it sounds so logical. When I see mine, I am foggy. It is my emotions that make it that way.

f this is so, then the best thing is not to text him and await replies. Nor to ask how he is, nor to show any concern for him at all. It seems to me (and I am no expert, this is just my opinion) the best thing for you now might be to just really back off and detach as Lissie and others have suggested. It's just to back off, completely off.

You are absolutely right. I haven't in almost three years done so.

Sirprizeme, I am grateful for your post. Even though I dislike what you are going through..It helped put a little more clarity on mine.

Thank you very much for taking time to post to me. I truely believe you have a good perspective on things.

I, too, am sorry you are here. But it is nice to know we can gain a better understanding from each other.

[cat03]

Anyway, the "decision vs feeling" discrepancy seemed to drive a further wedge between us. She was hopeless as she came to a realization that her "feeling" for me would not return all by itself. She wanted it to be a natural growth, just sort of osmosis. If she worked on it, it would not be true, ya know?

truer words have not been written, oh, how sad, that they waited for the feelings to come unbidden to them, like magic, with none of the work, they expected the bind obsession kind of emotions they got our of op, decide to love and work for their M was asking too much.
I'm sorry you are going through that too SPme, you sound like a great guy, too bad she can't see it with her eyes squeezed shut like that.

Hey kiki, my good friend c2H posted for me that you can't expect a reasonable response from an unreasonable person who threw their m away in the pursuit of an ow. hugs))), hope you get better in the art of truly detaching)))))

[SirPrizeMe]

These affair participants - it's like they are drugged. Honestly I think my wife felt her love for this guy like a drug. Maybe they did drugs together, too - he was a drug user and I would not be surprised if they did some ecstasy to aid their passion. Alcohol was her 2nd best friend during the initial affair.

Anyway, then she turns around and it's me, and it's a mortgage and cleaning our own toilets, and 4 kids and, y'know, regular life, getting up at 7am without a hangover, and being responsible parents. and there was no high there.

And so "the feeling" didn't return. Surprise!

It's like she wants it to be a hollywood romance or something. Stars in her eyes and fireworks.

All along I felt like I had been treated very badly by my wife but even still wanted to reconcile because my view of divorce always was that it was horrible, for the kids, for the couple, even for extended famil and friends. I hate it. So I was always willing to do the work to avoid it. But she wasn't. She wouldn't work. But now here we are - she and I - in the process of divorce, and the reality is... just what I expected. I'm broke, lonely, hurt. I miss my kids. She is only now just beginning to feel the practical reality. We have to sell our house and she'll get her own soon - I don't know what she'll use for money. She'll need a job. But this is her choice. I hope she finds happiness.

[angelica]

This is a very good thread. It exposes our hurt at what is going on. They ARE very damaged people who use others, and deny their and our essential humanity.

They hurt us deeply, out of their own great hurt. Happy people do not hurt others, unless unintentionally, and then they try and put it right.

The damage that is being done is huge, to the spouses, to the children, to the family networks they tear apart, and probably to the other needy person they hook up with.

The only thing we can do is heal ourselves. We hear a lot about getting a life, and it is important, but healing is paramount, and until we do heal we cannot move on, and probably cannot help our spouses much should they ever reach out to us.

The goal of this site, IMO is to form a support group that encourages healing and understanding.

MLC is about dealing with very damaged peole, and it is beyond DBing - which is not to say the techniques cannot be used, but they are primarily aimed at people who are psychologically 'normal' and will therefore respond within normal parameters to the behaviours and requests of others. What we so often see here [admittedly one sidedly, but so frequently that there surely must be something to it] is a kind irrationality and mental breakdown that is clearly way beyond normal.

It is desperately hard to deal with, and we really have to stand aside, and not get sucked into their drama. They will try and try to involve us, for the most part - a few are drop-outs, but most of them frequently or intermittently try and involve us as actors in all of this.

A

[Nutty Chick]

She wants NO CONTACT with me whatsoever,

Why is she angry and pushing away so strongly?

There was no violent act that precipitated her petitioning the state for protection from me. But I do not deny there was something traumatic for her in our interactions - the trauma of discussing our divorce. In the days and weeks prior to her filing for protection from me, we had regular contact on things like where the kids will live, how we will settle on a custody arrangement, our respective budgets, and so on. In other words, the mechanics of divorce. She couldn't handle it, so went nuclear.

SirPrize.

You have answered your own question.

She wants no contact with you because you represent pain and trauma.

When you feel hurt, emotionally or physically by something or someone that natural thing to do is to get as far away from it / them as quickly as possible.

I think Kikifree’s H is doing the same. When he has interactions with her he feels pain he sees no end to it as they have a child together.

He may feel trapped in a painful situation and is trying to limit the impact it has on him emotionally.

I have N/C with my H for the very same reasons.

Nutty.

[Nutty Chick]

They hurt us deeply, out of their own great hurt. Happy people do not hurt others, unless unintentionally, and then they try and put it right.

People who are hurting say hurtful things.


This knowledge got me through some very dark days.

Just because someone has left the relationship for OM or OW does not mean they have got off ‘scott free’. It does not mean they have not suffered or been hurt. There hurt may have all been taking place during the M for many, many years.

It seems that the separation .. OM /OW gives them the strength and courage to voice their hurt.

Nutty

[kikifree]

This is a informative conv.


It seems the anger is led my hurt. Hurt they feel is caused by LBS. Does that ever change?

Yes, we can only heal ourselves. I find that hard because I have never had anyone "Hate" me so much and not know why.

It is so true to think they are treating OW or OP differntly . I sometimes picture H living a wonderful life with his OW. I KNOW that is not true.


For my H, the only thing he says after the divorce he will be civil. He sees me as his enemy.

i , too, believe happy people do not hurt others. Why say you are not angry, when you really are?


The OP IS a drug . I believe H gets closer to OW when he feels bad. So if they are rhe drug how is that feeling supposed to return???

Nutty, you asked me why H wants to keep me away from OW and his home? He was going to let me into his home until I didnt settle. OW I don't know??? Your opinion please.

[Nutty Chick]

Nutty, you asked me why H wants to keep me away from OW and his home? He was going to let me into his home until I didnt settle. OW I don't know??? Your opinion please.

Off the top of my head ... you didn't give him what he wanted so he didn't give you what you wanted?

Nutty.