Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[SirPrizeMe]

LMG, sorry you are still making your way through this.
it just keeps on going, huh? seems to never end sometimes.

Hey I want to offer a little different perspective.

here are some things you wrote:

He give me such clear stay-away vibes most of the time that it felt huge for me to suggest watching the movie together. When he didn't respond to that, I felt I couldn't return and simply start watching it with him.

In this case, you had suggested you watch Juno together. He said "ok". Then you left the room, and you think maybe he started watching it. Just an outsiders perspective, but... what's to prevent you from walking right back into the room, plopping yourself on the sofa and watching the movie?

What I am reading between the lines is that you have an expectation of what he should be doing - like being warm, affectionate, playful, attentive, or just loving - and when he does not fulfill that expectation of yours, you are crushed.

You also related the story of the airport pickup - the almost-air-kiss and then that night, where he didn't reach for you in bed.
you wrote:

It's hard to have no expectations. I keep thinking he is going to snap out of this and am continually surprised at his total lack of tenderness toward me.

Yes, I see that. And not just surprised. I think you are hurt by it, too. You wrote, "how can he be so cruel?" to say he did not love you.

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I don't want this to be a 2x4, but it is sort of a different perspective. I see how much you are hurting and I wish it weren't so. don't take this to be me, ignoring your pain. But it is something other than just empathy.

Could it be possible that your expectations of him, which he surely sees, are just pressure to him? Could it be he feels inadequate? could it be he lost the "spark" for you, and he feels dejected and hopeless because of it. He sees you are lovely, kind, generous, giving, attentive to the kids. He sees, he knows you are a very good person. Yet he feels no spark, and so this just makes him feel worse. "Why don't I love her?"

Then, when you are deeply sad about it, it only feels that much worse for him. He wants out of the trap, yet he sees you are going to be even more hurt, which causes him more distress and just pushes him away further.

It's tragic! I don't know if this is what is happening in your marriage, but it felt like something like this was happening in mine.

If this is the case then what is called for is a vacation - kinda like when you went to LA. But it has to last longer. Like, every day, for a long while. and I don't mean you have to be geographically separated. But emotionally. He needs it. He is telegraphing it to you every day. And you are resisting that. You are expecting kisses, you desire his touch, and he keeps telling you he wants to be further apart.

I know it feels wrong to you, in every fiber of your being, to separate what to you seems like a very good marriage. A good marriage with some troubles, but still good. Good for you, good for the girls, and if he would only see it, good for him too. But there's the rub, he doesn't see it. He sees you holding him in this trap of a relationship, which he thinks is not good for him. he sees you as the thing in his way to freedom.

So maybe take to heart the DR book where it says, get a life. Not to say, become hostile or even uncaring toward your husband. But become ... detached. When he doesn't kiss you, then... ok. If he laughs with you and plays with you, then... enjoy it. When he gives you the cold shoulder afterwards, it seems so bizarre, then let it be.

I am saying this not as someone who has succeeded. (not YET! anyway, hee hee) I will tell you that my wife was the same as your husband - cold, inexplicably so - and I was willing to just bear it, for ... I don't know how long. I was turning it over in my mind, and I concluded that I could try for another month. After a month, I extended it for another month. Then I got to a point where I thought I could handle it another year, I could put up with her coldness and distance for another year. I put it out of my head in the day-to-day, because I had committed to myself that I could handle it for another year. When she ignored me, excluded me, offended me, and so on, I just said to myself "ok, no problem, I can handle this. Not a surprise, just par for the course."

I thought it might be longer than a year, but I decided not to think about it until another year of the crap had passed. And I enjoyed the little things - planting a garden with my kids, riding my bike with friends, a new promotion at work. But the one thing I could not put up with was her continuing to maintain her relationship with her boyfriend. Different people have different lines. She repeatedly promised me she would stop and she repeatedly broke her promise. And the last time I just said to her - look, this is no marriage for me. You can continue to call him and see him if you want, but that's not a marriage for me. I left the house.

I am sadder now than I was then. I am away from my wife and family. I would have been happy to continue to serve her, to act as her husband, to bring home my paycheck every two weeks and to massage her feet, even while she was cold and (to my mind) confused and searching. I was ok, not happy I guess, but content with her searching. I was learning patience. But the OM was a dealbreaker for me.

What's your dealbreaker?

If he doesn't kiss you as much as you like, will you be angry at him? or will you understand that inside he is torn up, too?

If he insists on separating, will you reluctantly allow him to go, or will you break down, carry on, beg, plead, cry, make a scene, make him feel worse, after which he will go away anyway?

If he doesn't accompany you on your outings, will you pout? Or will you just ask your maker for patience and strength?

What's the dealbreaker?

Looking back, I do not regret that the continued presence of the OM in my marriage was a dealbreaker for me. That was essential for my own self respect. (Keep in mind I am not judging anyone who is able to continue in a relationship where there is an ongoing presence of another person. Like I said, everyone is different. )

No one on this board will judge you regardless where you draw your line. Your line could be already crossed - Maybe for you, if he says he does not love you, then he is being cruel and it is time for you to move on. I will not second-guess that. No one will. That is your personal call. You have every right to say that.

On the other hand there are some who say, "if he says he doesn't love me, but yet I see he treats me with love in some ways, then I take that as a sign he isn't really settled. He's ambivalent. He's searching. He's trying to figure it out. And I'm willing to wait it out, see which way the chips fall." and I won't second-guess that either.

If you do choose that latter course, then your wallowing in pain and hurt is not helping him decide. Detaching will unfetter him and allow him to do what he needs to do.

Listen I speak from experience, but not a successful one. I am no expert. This is just my take on your situation.

I wish you the best as always, and again I am so sorry for you. I know how it hurts, and no one deserves what you are going through.