Help, it seems my 35 year old wife is in MLC #12

[Imageer]

PH, I have no R talks with my W at all. But from her actions I get the impression that she is not always so sure of her actions. Maybe it's when things are perceived as going good in their world, they think they made the right choices and when things are not, they look back at us and what they've given up. My W has my head spinning this morning and I'm not sure that even made sense.

[missmyfriend]

Imageer, I know this is post drive but right now I am saying a prayer for you and your W to have a drive that is not only pleasant but building a closeness between you.

Also, I would like to make a comment on something you said about the spouses reflecting on their choices. I do believe they ponder, often, about their choices and whether it is the correct one. Your wife, with her panic attacks, tells me that she is in a place where she is going against her intuition(?) and it is playing havoc on her health. My Ws blog leads me to believe she is trying to convince herself and others that she is in a better place and her choices were good ones. PHs H interactions and comments appear to be frequently trying to get her approval on his choices.

Whatever our spouses reasons, guilt plays a huge factor in this. Why would they feel guilty? I know that guilt is a result of doing something that goes against what a person feels is right or acceptable. If a person is confident in their choices, they have a tendency to not think twice about it and could care less if someone else disagrees.

[Imageer]

Well, it was an interesting drive......

Things were going well on the drive to her place. We were talking but she was somewhat quiet. I asked her if she was ok and she said that she was tired. She looked tired too.

We were talking about D5 and W brought up that D5 had been grumpy this week and asking for me a lot. Then out of nowhere W says to me "I know this is a sensitive subject but I wanted you to know that I didn't meet Sue (OW) until after I had to leave. I didn't even know she existed at the time, I didn't meet her until April." (April would have been 3 months after the bomb) She then tied this into our discussion of D5 by saying "Because D5 was being to so grumpy esspecially with Sue (OW) and she has being asking for us to live together again, I told her that I didn't know Sue (OW) when Mommy decided not to live with daddy anymore"

This really blindsided me. Why would she choose right then to tell me this? She all but admitted to the A. (Only she probably doesn't see it as an A.) I didn't know what to say and certainly didn't want to get into an argument about it, so I just said "uh-huh, I see" and hoped that she would change the subject which she did after a few long seconds of silence.

Probably the most bizzare thing is why would she say something like this to a 5 year old? Something liek that is completely beyond a 5 year old comprehension. Guilt?

The only explanation for this that I can come up with is that I've had to talk to her a lot lately because of the move and I've been very nice to her. Maybe she thinks I'm pressuring her and wanted to back me off. Who knows, maybe I have been pressuring her and not realizing it.

I ofcouse knew about OW but she has never eluded to their R before. I was never sure when the A started exactly but I guess I know now. However, if she left for the A or not, I still think that she left with the intention of looking for an A. I don't know that it matters that it started right away or not.

My head is spinning, I've got to get under control here.
I would appreciate and thoughts on this.

[Imageer]

MMF, thanks for the prayer. I need it right now.

At this exact second I don't know what to think. You are probably right though that their giult is huge and they are always looking back. I know that I always do my best to make the life she left look better than the life she is leading. However, the question I often ask myself is that if she believes she is a lesbian, how can I compete with that? I'm obviously not a girl. I guess the only option is to wait it out.

I've tried many times to find some resources on this type of sitch but I haven't anything really useful.

Regarding W's panic atttacks, I asked her while we were driving if she had anymore attacks. She quickly said no and then changed the subject. It was odd. I don't know if she was telling the truth or not.

[missmyfriend]

I really don't know what to say that could offer you any more insight into what is going on. She apparently feels like she must tell you these things and is looking for acceptance by both your D5 and you as well. She wants support for her decisions. To ask a 5 year old to understand demonstrates how emotionally immature she has become.

Is your W a lesbian? Probably not. She may be trying to find her identity and it is possible this is a way a woman can regress to the comfortable years before "boys" where in mind. When they are children, their closest friends are their mom and the other little girls. When they are little, they can play house, do dress up, act like mommy or be anyone they choose. As they get older, they start to notice boys and socialization starts the process toward matrimony.

This is why I am so concerned with how children are exposed to this when they are little. They are forming ideas what is normal and what is not. The good thing is your children have you for stability. Since I am going through something so eerily similar as you, with the exception that my children are 15, 13 & 11, I still believe the importance of their mother in their lives, tempered with a constant monitoring of what they are exposed to and hopefully being a moral influence on our Ws in how they interact with our children. We cannot control our Ws but somehow we need to teach our children to know right from wrong, while loving the person and not their actions. It is a tough role to play and many people believe that if you don't accept their actions or choices, we do not accept or love them. This is completely false logic.

Your conversations with your W would imply you are very important to her. Your impression of her is very important. I believe she is crying inside and very confused. If she is a "lesbian", it is more than likely only a temporary situation depending on whether she allows herself to grow or if she decides to stay "stuck" where she is. This isn't the answer for her. Your challenge, which you have handled expertly so far, is to love her where she is at.

Your W being intimate with a woman of the same gender, may be a way for her to feel the intimacy that she cannot get from you...for now. I would venture to guess, your W setting up house with Sue, is similar to what I mentioned earlier that she is like a little girl setting up house with another little girl.

Coupled with the fact that she may see a reflection or a desire to have the mother-daughter relationship with Sue. I have read several articles including an interview with Melissa Etheridge that many lesbians are seeking a relationship with a person of the same gender to replace what was lost or never had in the first place with a mother figure. Melissa Etheridge's mother was an alcoholic that showed very little love toward her daughter. My W had the same exact type of mother. The OP she has associated with has the same mannerisms and alcholic tendencies as her mother.

I am not saying all lesbians are like the above as I am repeating from articles I have read and from what Melissa Etheridge commented on as well.

Imageer, I would never focus on your W being a lesbian. I would consider her a woman and a mother and your wife, no matter what her current sexual predilection may be. She can call herself a lesbian but why would she choose to? What is the purpose? What is someone saying about themselves when they say that? I can think of young adults when they identify themselves as Goth, Punk, Emo, straight, gay, bi, lesbian, etc. People who are comfortable with themselves do not try so desperately to re-invent themselves and convince others to accept them this way.

Many people try to find an identity that is off the wall in order to stand out because they feel unimportant so they choose a group where they feel that they can not only stand out but be accepted.

The last thing I want to say is that you are doing very well at being the rock in your family. Your strength will be appreciated, eventually. Do not give up. Your children and your W need you to be that rock. You cannot deny the emotions you are feeling when you hear what your wife says or what she does. It hurts but know that it is only a point in time and this will move on to better times. Your stability is something that is going to be very attractive to your wife as she learns that her new life is not working out and giving her what she wants.

[Imageer]

MMF, Thanks for that. I needed it. You are a wise man and I believe you are right also.

My W does not have a great R with her mother either. Her mother has always been somewhat unstable and never very loving toward W. I don't know the OW at all so I cannot make any comparisons but it is interesting.

I don't think that W is a lesbian either but I do think there is much turmoil in her.

[plentyhope]

Imageer, I agree with MMF that your W feels it's important to have you think well of her. I think that's why she told you she didn't start the R until afterwards. She alos probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

[Imageer]

All has been very quiet lately. I'm living with my mother for the next 2.5 months until my new place closes.

W and I are civil and friendly as always but really things are stagnant.

I think she is missing the kids more when I have them because twice now she has mentioned that if I wanted to have the kids less, she would be open to discussing having them more.

That's not going to happen.

If she wants to spend more time with the kids then come home.

I ran in to a relative of Ws at a funeral on Sunday. I ended up talking to her for an hour about W and I. She was almost in tears. She said she would say a prayer for us.

I found out today that W decided to flush the kids fish on the weekend. When S8 found out, he was upset. I think the only reason she did it was because she didn't want to look after the fish anymore. I find it interesting that W, the animal lover who would cry at the site of roadkill is now killing the kids pets.

[SirPrizeMe]

twice now she has mentioned that if I wanted to have the kids less, she would be open to discussing having them more.
That's not going to happen.

Imageer, I hate what your wife is doing.

On the other hand, the kids are not a weapon.

I feel this strongly. When the kids are used as a weapon, it is not healthy for anyone. The kids need their parents, even if the parents are broken. If it is safe for the kids - no abuse, no drugs, no physical danger - then they need to spend time with their parents. Both of them. Even if the parents don't agree on a common lifestyle, the kids need their parents. Please consider carefully your stance on the kids.

[Imageer]

I think you misunderstood what I was saying. Currently, we share the kids. We switch them back and forth every 2 weeks. This keeps the kids seeing both of us and I fell it is best for them. (I use the word "best" very loosely here)

However, W is seemingly now starting to miss the kids when she doesn't have them and is suggesting that I have them less so that she can have them more. I don't think that anything less than 50% with each parent is acceptable.