There's a lot in this chapter that is very insightful and indeed helpful. You probably haven't gotten this far just yet (not only in the book, but perhaps in your R as well), however, I wanted to share this bit (I've had to reread it myself several times):
If you feel comfortable right now that your partner is not violating your trust, don't sacrifice the pleasure of today because of what might happen tomorrow. If you had a serious illness that was successfully treated, you'd be told the probability of recurrence. If you were fully recovered, you wouldn't want to waste your healthy days preoccupied with the possibility of a relapse in one year, five years, fifteen years, or maybe never. As long as you're doing everything in your power to have a thriving R, you have to transform your suffering into appreciation for how far you've come. Worrying won't change tomorrow. It just takes the enjoyment out of today.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Worrying won't change tomorrow. It just takes the enjoyment out of today.
Those are some words to live by.
That part stood out to me too.
I think the best thing that will come out of all of this is that I will never take H or our R for granted again. I think I did that in the past and maybe he felt neglected.
If I am completely honest with myself, H was always more "into" the R than me (which I think is why I was so shocked he had an affair). He met my needs and I didn't do as good of a job of meeting his. OW came along, and at least on the surface, met his needs.
One of the things he likes to do is talk throughout the day. This used to drive me crazy (my previous job was EXTREMELY busy) and I would sometimes get upset with him if he would call me during the day. I felt he was just being needy. Now, I love it...I realize the he just like to touch base during the day. I can't even imagine why I didn't want him to call me!...just wrapped up in my own little world I guess.
I see a lot of similarites myself. I always thougth H was way more into our M than I was. Heck...the man proposed to me after only knowning me for 3 months (I turned him down and waited another year).
That quote is awesome.....
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Weird how so many situations have so many similarities.
So...last night H and I cooked dinner and watched a movie. We went grocery shopping before. Grocery shopping was something that H always like to do together. Not sure why, he just liked it...made him feel like we were a family...so I thought it was important that he wanted to do it together yesterday.
When we got back, H brought up moving in together. He said he thought it was something that needed to be addressed. He said he feels like his apartment is too small though...to be fair, it is tiny.
I mentioned another apartment complex that I would like to live in. It is only $20 more per month and it is 2 bedroom 2 bath....2 bathrooms are good for our marriage. I am not sure why H's is so expensive, because the other ones are really nicer. There is a waiting list there so I was thinking maybe we could get put on the waiting list and it would give us a couple of months before we actually move in together.
We had a good time, a nice talk, and some nice suggeling.
