I am just saying I am putting myself out there rather than sitting home pining ALL the time.
I loved my exgf. And I want her back. But she aint comming back. I broke down and cried for an hour today before I started posting.
I am happy with myself. I offer alot. I am just not happy. I was nozzle on 2 of 3 fires this last week. Good fast knockdowns. As good as anybody in the department. Saved a 27 yr old woman with a full arrest 2 months ago. I can remodle a house ride motorcycle, play pool, shoot trapp....
I am very satisfied with what I can do and what I offer.
but my heart is killing me. The desire to please that one person. To hold them again like you would never let them go.
I offer alot but the person I want to give it too doesn't want it. The rest of the things in my life are fine. Im a good firefighter. I'm a great friend. I am sweet charming and caring. But I have had 4 long term relationships (1 marraige in that) but this (as someone posted earlier about the first r after the d) is the most heart shredding pain I have been through. And I am trying but I can't seem to stop it.
TK, I think I see where fig's coming from here though.
Yes, it hurts to lose someone. Yes, the rejection that goes with it hurts bad. No one's denying you that. The thing is, at least from my perspective, you still are finding a need unfilled somewhere that you've filled by pleasing someone else. So, what is it you like about pleasing someone else. What makes the feeling for this one woman different from others?
Why her?
What did you take from that experience that you aren't getting without her? How do you find those feelings for yourself, so that in the future you're only taking what's given, not what's there for the taking?
I only know of one person who won't agree that firemen in general are good people. And he's biased.
Obviously, there are plenty of things you have to offer. The question is, what is it you're actually seeking out? It seems to me that you, whether you realize it or not, are seeking something specific. So, the hard part is identifying that something and determining where you can make it for yourself.
Then, all you're doing with someone else is giving. I think being that complete person who just likes to give to someone you appreciate is what attracts them to us.
I think if you look back at this thread at some point, you'll see that everyone gave you some pretty wise advice, but right now it may be too early for you.
But I'll go ahead and second everything that's been written to you. You said it yourself, this woman made you feel special, and that's the problem. You don't need the validation of someone else to feel special. If even one-quarter of the neediness and co-dependency that we see in your posts came through to your gf....it would be a turnoff.
I'd also like to say that it feels, from reading your posts, as though it isn't necessarily this woman that you need so much as it's someone. The things you want; someone to talk to and share your experiences with; someone to take care of, are what many people want, and since this is so sudden and so traumatic, you equate wanting these things with wanting this particular woman. I think it's fair to say that at the end of the day it's important to have a like-minded person share your life and experiences, but that person will come along. It doesn't necessarily have to be her.
Maybe things are still too raw for you to appreciate what others are saying. It's understandable. But this is the surviving forum, and we are a much more...is it realistic?..crowd
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Isn't it just as true to say...if I am complete on my own, I wouldn't need anybody, therefore why have a relationship?
We all fell in love with someone. Now, I can sit across the table from the girl I am dating while eating dinner with her and her kids and she can smile at me in apreciation and caring for being there and helping prepare the meal, but the feeling I get from that smile is not the one I got from the other.
BH, It feels like your question is that of what have you lost that can't be replaced. Its the feeling inside you that you get from that certain person.
The feeling when you walk in the house and they smile and you know they love you and that love is a love you apreciate that you know...that (Jerry McGuire) you know, completes you and makes the things you do during the day (no matter what your proffession) alright. Its sharing your day with someone who cares and wants to know how you are doing.
Its remodeling a house and getting their opinion and input on everything you do.
Its not magic. We all loved our spouses and SOs for reasons only familiar to us. A smile from one person is not the same as a smile from someone else. Holding hands with one is not like someone else.
What am I not getting from someone else? Her counsel. Her opinions. Her smile. Her phone calls about her kids. Her laugh cooking dinner together. Her voice when I come home from a fire. Her sense of humor. Her being there when I call. Her calling me. Being there for the kids events when their dad wasn't. Her Kids. Thats what I am not getting from someone or somewhere else.
I don't like the taking either. Much prefer to be the giver.
When I say give and take, its about when the other needs support. We all have and have looked to our others for it. Unless you plan on being single, you will look again. I am talking about the relationship give and takes. When we are single we grind it out on our own. If you do that in a relationship you will be on your own. Agree?
Maybe I am writing things wrong. It is not validation I am striving for. It is the validation that person gave for me being me.
If you graduate college on your own, you feel a great satisfaction. If you graduate while being married, you still have that great satisfaction but the icing on the cake is it is shared by your spouse and makes it feel all the more worth while does it not? Doesn't sharing your days achievements and downfalls with another (one you love) make things that much better?
We can all get along doing by ourselves. But sharing your life is so much better.
We shared a lot. Appearently not enough though. Again I am dealing with the pain. Not self esteem or need to make another happy. But the happiness I had, sharing with this 1 person.
I think I rambled on this one. hope it makes some sense.
> Blanking your mind to where you have no room to think about this woman so you get a break from the pain
Dating doesn't seem to do it - you find yourself thinking about her. Social situations - still thinking about her. Work - still thinking about her.
How about working out till you are too exhausted to think? Can you think of any activity you engage in that occupies your mind to where you are incapable of thinking?
Breaks from pain is what you seem to need right now until you are able to get past the rawness of the pain.
I am warning you though - one you get past the raw pain - we will start inflicting pain on you by badgering you about fixing you.
I am looking for that activity that blanks my mind. Just haven't found it yet.
Believe it or not, I once was good at this DBing thing. Posted a lot under my other name. Think I did some good for people too. I know the hows and whys and that there is no miracle answer.
Just having a more than difficult time letting this one go. As much as I know I still feel like saying....ya but that wasn't us. And I know it was. Same as everybody else.
