Hi Dar. I've never posted to you before, but I've caught up the last couple of days. I agree with Jack and AmyC because I have a teenager now, S16, who was 15 when XH left. He is not a spoiled brat monster of a teenager, but that is only because there were consequences when he was your D's age.
My S is acting out now, but he knows I mean business when I tell him that he will not be getting away with bad behavior just because of what has happened. I enforced consequences when he was younger, so he knows I will keep doing that and he has more to lose now--driving privileges, staying out later, etc. Yes, I feel terrible for him and I know how he's been hurt, but it is no excuse to ruin his life with bad choices now. He gets very upset with me sometimes, but then he'll tell me later how much he's grateful I'm his mom and he wouldn't want any other one.
If you can't get a handle on it now, you will both be even more miserable in about 5 years. It's amazing to me how much is available to kids today and how much other parents look the other way.
I've often thought too, that when my son acts out, like your D, that maybe they are testing us--to see if we will abandon them too. It sounds like your D sees your H frequently, so maybe that doesn't apply to you, but my XH doesn't see our son very much at all. We are the "safe" ones and they can express how they really feel inside. She is probably much better around your H than you because she feels safer with you.
Someone once told me this when my son was very young. He wasn't in daycare, but had babysitters (sisters, mom, MIL) at different times and I was always told that he was such an angel--only to have him have a complete meltdown sometimes when I would come home and it was just the two of us. They are on their best behavior for others sometimes, and then let out their frustration, exhaustion, with us. When I thought about it that way, it makes sense even now.
