I know - that hurt thing really sucks. No easy way around it I'm afraid...
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MY FD responded to the 35W bridge collapse. I tried calling her 30+times to tell her I was heading to it. By the time I got hold of here and told her what was going on, she sounded so worried so concerned "please be careful" she said "love you". 20 days later, everything changed.
You have a dangerous job. You do know that you will meet someone someday that will worry about you for the rest of your life. It just isn't going to be this woman.
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Why do we want them more when they turn mean to us?
We do that when we define ourselves by what other people think. We want them to like us - so we are able to like ourselves. That is why it is so important to be able to like yourself before you want someone else to like you.
I do not know your story. I will share mine and perhaps there are some elements in common. I hopped merrily into the R with Erased Man w/in 3 months of my D becoming legal. I was still a member of the walking wounded - at that point felt like crap b/c I defined myself by my failed M. Erased Man - another member of the walking wounded club was also defined by his failed M.
Neither one of us had created a new post D life yet. And well why bother - so lucky we met each other and could pick up where the M's had ended. And neither one of us had heard a kind word from the X's for years. This R was probably the most soothing R I have ever been in.
And then it ended - I was dumped! And well since I hadn't taken the time to rebuild my post D self esteem - I spiraled way down into the depths of "I have been dumped he!!." I actually posted my most rock bottom thread ever after the end of that R. The people on this BB literally carried me for weeks after that. I was use The X being hurtful. But how could someone from the BB do this to me?
But you know what I got over it. And I took the time to work on me. I took the time to rebuild my life. I have people that worry about me.
And as for Erased Man. After I let go - guess who started sending emails every few months for years afterwards. I finally changed my email address and he is finally gone.
And now looking back - he was all wrong. I was just hurting so much that pretty anyone that was willing to play the world's smallest violin at my pity party would have appeared to be my soulmate.
Anyway, I have been where you are today. So have many other people. Hang in there. You will be fine. And after you heal and rebuild your life. After you find some other people you can call when you are on your way to a dangerous situation - you will be ready to join your life with someone else.
Another thought hit me here. My dad retired last year as a Battalion Chief, after 30 years on the job. And one thing that he and my step mom came to an understanding about early on was, she didn't want to know about the job. Not that she didn't care what he was doing, but she didn't want to face that it was a dangerous job every time he did. There are a number of war stories she never heard.
Could it be that this girl just simply got tired of worrying?
I have a job that isn't always the safest and my sweetheart and I have an agreement that she doesn't need to know specifics.
Its about the love for her. Not self esteem. You go through your whole life, meeting people, dating. But how many make you feel a really special way? How many make you want to give up things to (so to speak)or take on bigger challenges to please them and make a better relationship? How many, when you are slipping down a set of steps into a basement fire (not sliding on purpose), are the one going through your mind because you may not be coming back up? Or when you are working an accident scene on the road and someone zipps by you at 60 miles an hour about a foot away because they are looking at the blood on the pavement and not where they are going?
I was married when I first started firefighting. She didn't have that strong of a hold on me. Yes, I thought about her, but not like this.
Yes, I have great friends. Supportive. Smart like the ones I meet here.
Make me feel special- No. That is the problem I am having. The things in life that I enjoy do not bring pleasure as they should anymore. I play pool 2 nights a week on different teams. I started trapp shoooting season last week. Shot in the state pool tournement. I meet with friends and do things. I date one person (but we have an understanding) and I am on a singles site that I have been out with several for lunches (trying to find some chemestry). I have a great sense of humor. And the people I hang with and work with are a riot....but I have not laughed in months. Smiled but not laughed. My C and Physchiatrist are both aware of this. My friends are aware of my lack of laughter too. I go to these things but there is no drive.
Facing death- Facing death or just going into a pitch black enviorment in a fire, I have tried to think of other things but she and her girls are the ones I see in my mind. House layouts are pretty common. Especially in the houses I work in. You reach out feel a couch know there is either a coffee table or there isn't. Room isn't very big. Then a chair, then the tv/stand. Once Identified, the mind goes back to her and the girls. No. I don't hink of anyone but her but I have tried.
Needed-we both needed but this was never an issue of one needed more than the other.
30+ calls. The phone towers were overwhelmed with calls. All circuits busy try again later. About 30 times before my circuit was in line to call. Everyone who had a cell phone was on it.
Rely- no, its give and take and I miss the giving as much as the taking.
my ex I'm sure has sensed desperation. No doubt. Its a sad thing comming from here thinking...but they will understand. I said it before, we are all the same really. I do believe I am weaker than most. Don't know why but am.
The dating on the web site, I do put up a front and don't talk about past. No, I am probably not ready so to speak. But look at what all we have delt with. I bet almost all of our marriages ended because of an affair or an affair was involved. I was just hoping to find someone to sweep ME off my feet. That and it beat reading thread after thread of newcommers going through that. We can all be swept off our feet, why not me trying it on a singles site?
I know I have been desperate with the ex. Just hoped things would be different because of where we came from.
I finally changed my email address and he is finally gone.