Dar, you need to figure out this cancer thing. It doesn't seem to me that you have cancer. You either have had a biopsy or not. Some cells can look cancerous but not be cancer; there's only one way to tell.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
If you do not want a spoiled brat monster of a teenager, if you do not want to have a socially inept young adult later in life, curb your daughter now.
I am speaking as a parent, not someone who has no idea what they are talking about. I have to remind myself that my oldest boy is not biologically mine. Try and take him away from me and I'll destroy you, but genetically he is not mine.
He was a horrid little child when he realized I was in his life for good. I loved him, but was stern, I did not tolerate his bad behaviour, and rewarded his good behaviour. As distant and clinical as that sounds it works. That was 8 years ago. I am his best friend, he tells me and his mom the truth even when he knows it will get him into trouble.
Get a C for your daughter. Today, not tomorrow. You want her as self confident and self assured as possible in this world priro to the perils of middle school and high school.
When she is acting poorly, look at her like a mirror, try to see how much of you is in her acting out, and adjust yourself accordingly. It is a work in progress and always will be until she sets off on her own.
Children reflect what they see and know.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Am I reading into this too much, or are Jack and Fig saying that this really is my fault/doing? Yes, I see D's attitude in her that I have with anger for sure. But this is really my fault that she's like this right now?
I am saying that children reflect what they see in their parents.
That is why I do not think it is a good idea to confide in them the problems of the marriage or to use them as support, or to wail and rage in front of them about their other parent.
I am not saying you do that. Only you can answer that question.
"I wish I knew how to kill myself." Worries me, and IS a cry for help.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
you are not your daughter's best friend nor should you ever be you are her parent
not saying you are doing this just saying our job as a parent is much different than the job of a friend. I see a lot of parents worried that their kids won't like them who cares you are their parent your job i sto teach them how to be a good grown up...it's nicer if they like us but not necessary
and the killing herself is a cry for help and not a school counselor Dar a therapist perferably one specializing in children
in MN there is the Alexander Center... look into what place that is where you are
if you called and told them that they would get you an appointment asap
Hi Dar. I've never posted to you before, but I've caught up the last couple of days. I agree with Jack and AmyC because I have a teenager now, S16, who was 15 when XH left. He is not a spoiled brat monster of a teenager, but that is only because there were consequences when he was your D's age.
My S is acting out now, but he knows I mean business when I tell him that he will not be getting away with bad behavior just because of what has happened. I enforced consequences when he was younger, so he knows I will keep doing that and he has more to lose now--driving privileges, staying out later, etc. Yes, I feel terrible for him and I know how he's been hurt, but it is no excuse to ruin his life with bad choices now. He gets very upset with me sometimes, but then he'll tell me later how much he's grateful I'm his mom and he wouldn't want any other one.
If you can't get a handle on it now, you will both be even more miserable in about 5 years. It's amazing to me how much is available to kids today and how much other parents look the other way.
I've often thought too, that when my son acts out, like your D, that maybe they are testing us--to see if we will abandon them too. It sounds like your D sees your H frequently, so maybe that doesn't apply to you, but my XH doesn't see our son very much at all. We are the "safe" ones and they can express how they really feel inside. She is probably much better around your H than you because she feels safer with you.
Someone once told me this when my son was very young. He wasn't in daycare, but had babysitters (sisters, mom, MIL) at different times and I was always told that he was such an angel--only to have him have a complete meltdown sometimes when I would come home and it was just the two of us. They are on their best behavior for others sometimes, and then let out their frustration, exhaustion, with us. When I thought about it that way, it makes sense even now.
Thanks for posting farmtown! What you said makes complete sense as well. I know even when I was a nanny, the kids were MUCH better for me than they were their parents. They don't know what they can get away with with others, but know what they can with us. I'll definately have to start putting my foot down. I eased up on that because I know she was hurting too, but now it's time to remind her I'm here, love her and will always be here but don't not accept this type of behavior.
