H4H, I met OM online as well. The fact she stayed is good, she doesn't really want to leave you. When she said she'd work on things, did you guys go to a counselor together? A pro-marriage counselor?
Telling her you wouldn't give up on her is good. She's feeling that she loves OM more than you and feels bad that she is hurting you, but she thinks she would hurt you more if she stayed with you and didn't love you. Problem is, she doesn't realize what control the OM love has over her real emotions.....I hope she realizes before she loses everything.
It's good she sees the changes. SHe won't be able to use that excuse then. She will have to really think about the choice she is making. Seeing the family counselor will help her see this too.
If she won't leave without the kids then she may see that she has no choice but to try with you. That's how I started thinking. I DID NOT Want to be a part time mom. The guilt must be there....although she is hearing from others how kids are resiliant and they bounce back and that many kids have dealt with being in divorced families and turned out fine, blah blah....I never bought into that. I didn't want to do that to my child unless there was no choice.
The whole scene at home just illustrates that she knows what she is doing to her family. She KNOWS. This is good.
Yes, meet with attorney. You need to. You don't know what she may do. If OM is influencing her, she is bound to do anything. Remember, she is not herself.
DO NOT expose her. I know many will disagree. It will kill any chance you have EVER. Plus, it will screw with the kids heads if they find out. No kid should have to deal with the fact that their mom is doing this. They are kids. Let them not deal with this. THey have enough to understand and deal with. If you start telling others, they could find out. This is an adult problem between you and her, keep it that way. My two cents. Someone said "maybe a pastor". That may be ok because he could talk to her. Maybe you could suggest that you go talk together with one...not yours...maybe another one....so that you could discuss how this is affecting your kids...
Hang in there,.....I am hoping you guys make it.....you and her and your kids will be so happy.
I am still formulating my plan - going to see L today, getting ready with paper work and find that W has hidden some of the investment papers in our portfolio... arghhhh. Again, not the same woman I married, and, like you, am hopeful to the bitter end!
Keep the faith.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
Yes, we went to an I Promise seminar and learned a lot. We did go to counseling even before she said that we can try again. After we decided to retry, we stopped the sessions. Mistake. I know we should have kept on, but she was reluctant to keep going.
One could say that she didn't leave because she had been out of a job since last July. It was then the friendship started to really blossom. Stuck at home with nothing to do but think and be alone. And talk to him. He apperantly was very available to talk to her many times through out the day for extended lengths of time. So no income to get her own place, then November and her stroke. She felt trapped. Then she finally gets a job start of February.
I hope that she see's that I will not budge on the kids and she also realizes the expense of getting her own place. I have told her fairly recently that I am not looking for the rest of her life, just the next six months to really try and find out if we can figure it out. Counseling. Anything. But not while OM is in picture. Her response at the time was that we take it day by day.
The way she talks is that she has bought into the whole resiliant kid thing. I can only hope that she is recognizing the issues that are popping up with our little ones.
I have decided not to expose to the kids. Sorry, Puppy. Not sure what I'll say if they ask a direct question. I promised to always tell them the truth. Cross that bridge when I get there.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Can you get her to retrovaille? I'm really banking on it, and I haven't heard one bad thing from it. I heard that many attorneys send their clients there before proceeding with divorce.
I sooo see me in your wife. I was home alone with son (stay at home mom) and the OM were always available to me. H never called me, never text me, never emailed me. The OM always cared more about me it seemed. I now know that is not true, but that is what I thought then.
As soon as she sees that you will not budge on the kids she will think more about this....no loving mom wants to have her kids part time. Telling her that you just want 6 months to really try is good and you are right that OM cannot be involved in that 6 months. She said day by day because she does not want to give up OM.
About three weeks before her stroke, I told WW that I wanted to schedule a "Weekend to Remember" that was coming in town. She very reluctantly agreed and told me she would do it just for me. This was at time that we had just argued about our R and she said it in an ugly way. Basically, I would be taking her kicking and screaming. The weekend was schedule during what ended up being the second to last week of her being in the rehab hospital. I asked her if she still would attend with me and she told me yes. We had to get all sorts of approvals. She still was not able to walk. We got the approval from the rehab and insurance but had to have her back every night.
On the Friday, she had had a busy day of rehab, so she was really exhausted and was falling asleep during the sessions. It was only a couple of hours long.
The next day, before we went in, we started to argue about OM and she told me she did not want anymore contact with anyone, he and I included because she had to focus on rehab. We went in and went through a couple of sessions. Last session before lunch, we were to write a love letter to each other. Hers ended up being more of a thank you letter. She did love me, and thanked me for being a father to her son when his real one wasn't around. For being a great dad and great friend.
Break for lunch, raining outside, trying to get her from wheel chair to car, getting drenched, I have to literally pick her up around her waist to get her in. She tells me to wait and we are in the rain, my arms around her waist, her arms around my neck and she gives me a big kiss on my cheek. At this point, I hadn't had any physical contact with her since September. None. It was now second week of December. OMG. It was great.
However.....
Get to restaraunt to eat lunch. Great time. She brings up R, and we start to go back and forth and bango! She is crying, I am feeling terrible. I take her back to rehab because now I am afraid that something is going to happen to her. On way back, I am ranting and asking why God is doing this to us. I tell her about the emails that I had found from before to other men. She says that that was then and she had repented for that. It went terrible but could have been great.
Trying to get info on Retro and trying to think about gettin WW to it, but getting her to it is a different story.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
You have had a really rough time. You are doing all the right things. You will definitely know that you have done EVERYTHING to keep the marriage. You will have no regrets and this is so good. Do NOT stop.
Google Retrovaille and you will find the information. I'm not sure how you will get her there either. Her tears makes me think that she is torn. She needs some guidance other than the OM and she doesn't believe she loves you.....if only you could both see a pro-marriage counselor or get to retrovaille.
I have checked into a retro coming up in Austin. Be nice to it out of town. Weekend get away, you know. Also looking into the counseling. Family and individual. I live a crazy life, right now with her. May have to start doing some pushing, soon. Or wait until the summer starts and see if she is really going to move out. I don't see it, but you never know.
Got home last night and all the kids are outside playing. Inside, WW has started on dinner. Talked to WW earlier and asked me to bring some items from the grocery store. I also bought a couple of her favorite candy bars. At home, I ask if she needs any help. She asks me to check on burgers out on grill. I notice a couple of plants she has bought and had in kitchen. Outside, she had bought some items for the little temp kennel we wanted to make. She has made some Mexican rice, fajitas, potato salad and the burgers. She had also gone and bought the girls some new clothes.
I am acting as if everything is great. No sad looks and upbeat. Kids eat in front of TV and she starts to make cupcakes. I ask her what she wants to eat and I make her plate. I sit at dining table and WW joins me about 15 minutes later. We are both drinking a beer. WW states that she is full and would I like to finish her burger. I agree and take it. She finishes the dishes and kids are getting ready for bed. I am in bedroom and putting away clothes and WW calls her mother. I hear things like, "oh, were ok" and "yeah, were ok". Chit chatting and then WW goes out to the back deck and is on the phone with MIL about an hour. I can see her in back wiping her eyes, cleaning her nose.
I hope that MIL had the conversation that she is supposed to. I hope she provide good counsel. I pray.
Later, I am watching a video and WW comes in and says she is going to shower because she smells like bar b que. She comes out and asks about movie and lays on bed with me. Our normal viewing position. Movie finishes and we go to bed. Goodnight she tells me.
This morning, going through normal routine, I ask if she wants lunch made and she quickly responds no. Ok. Mind wandering. I do not show it. Still acting cool. No problems. After kids get on bus, I ask about nephew and if working today. She tells me that yes and they are going to do the same thing they did the other day. Now I'm really upset. She will probably be getting a ride from OM. I say nothing. We are getting ready and I ask something about the puppies and them licking her toes and she mentions something about her feet hurting lately. Outside together for our morning smoke her face is looking upset. That distant look like something is really wrong. I ain't gonna ask. I usually ask what the matter is. I ask her is she has made arrangements for herself for a ride. She says yes, like she didn't want to say. I say ok and go inside, get my keys, tell her to have a good one. She quietly says you too. Regular face on me. I leave.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
