Stronger - but still confused

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yeah really, no chit.

Besides, "no contact" is a DECISION, not an "effort." There is no "try" in it. You either do it or you don't.

Puppy

[GoingForward]

Besides, "no contact" is a DECISION, not an "effort." There is no "try" in it. You either do it or you don't.

Saw this quote from another poster: Do or do not, there is no try.



ACTIONS, not words.

[Snow White]

I am wondering if H will have a comment after reading the quotes I gave him last night because what it actually says about workplace AP's is:

1. Limit contact to business only. If you are serious about reestablishing safety in your M and sending clear signals to your AP, then you must become a polite but distant stranger to your AP. Going out for coffee, swapping stories about your kids, and trading office gossip are invitations to intimacy. Telephone strictly for business purposes, and if the OP steers the conversation into personal waters, say, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to discuss that."

2. Do not talk about your M with your AP.. If your ex-lover asks how your M is doing, you can demonstrate that there is a wall around the M that cannot be knocked down by answering, "I'm sorry, but it isn't appropriate for me to discuss that with you." Refusal to discuss your M tells your AP where the boundaries are. You won't be tempted to portray the M in a negative light to protect the feelings of the AP, who must understand that you now have a new commitment to the M."

As long as he continues working at his current place of employment there will be times when they speak, it may be because she calls his store for information or vice versa. That being said - he was speaking to her before for "something to do" and as mentioned above often office gossip. This is unneccessary.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That's very true, Neecy. Heck, many wayward spouses have to CHANGE JOBS in order to minimize the chance of contact (my wife did), and some have been known to even move to another town, if necessary (something that Harley recommends). The whole "I have to work with her/her" is a smokescreen.

Or is it a red herring? Or a straw man? I always get those confused . . .

Puppy

[Snow White]

Everything comes in waves doesn't it? Tonight I feel very sad. You would think that as time passes the sadness would fade but it really doesn't it just moves in and out. It never leaves just not as strong sometimes.

The one thing I can say I am pleased with is that I did not ask H how he made out "trying" today when he called to talk to D and then lingered on the phone to ask me how my day was. Other than that small personal victory everything else seems to suck.

Tomorrow will be 4 months since H admitted to the affair, 4 months and I still have no idea what I am doing.

[LL44]

I agree about the whole 'trying' thing. You do, or you don't. But nothing wrong with patience on your end if you are seeing some changes. As long as he is out of the house for now...

Waves, big, small, ugly, peaceful. Yep, ride it out, it'll leave you feeling confident tomorrow (I find a sad wave is always followed by strength). HUGS

PS: Great job not bringing his 'trying' up!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Neecy,

I'm sorry you're sad, and that you're hurting. I've been there. I would have "angry" days, and then "indifferent" days, and then days when I would just pity my wife. Those were most of the days -- one of those three. But then there were days when I was just very, very sad. It usually came late at night, when the house was empty, and I was alone with my thoughts.

I used to write stuff -- song lyrics. Maybe I'll post them on here someday.

Hang in there, Neecy. It DOES get better.

Puppy

[Snow White]

Waves, big, small, ugly, peaceful. Yep, ride it out, it'll leave you feeling confident tomorrow (I find a sad wave is always followed by strength). HUGS

Maybe I have to wait one more day for the confident. I just need to journal now because it prevents me from contacting H. It seems No Contact for me is not a decision, it requires a tonne of trying. I want to send him a text saying "I cannot wait much longer" cause that is how I feel, I won't that is why I am typing instead.

I have contained myself for 2 days from asking why he was looking at the real estate listing on my computer the other day for the rental OW lives in. It is a constant struggle not to mention it. Part of me thinks he did it to cause a fight, he knows I check the history, it was the day he was supposed to move home and started a fight about the juice box. Then I would have got the "things never change, snooping again".

He is coming to D's gymnastics tonight, the second time in 3 weeks. She has been there for a year and a half and this will be the 4th time total so 2 in 3 weeks is significant. I don't think it in any way makes up for the fact that her daddy is a telephone every night when she goes to bed but at least he is taking one hour today for someone other than himself. He is also picking up my wrestling tickets today since the radio station is around the corner from his work.

Cross your fingers for me the draw for the martial arts membership is tomorrow. The DJ is so confused I have no idea what I would win if I do win. First it was I won a 2 month pass valued at $600. Then it was I won an entry in the draw for the 2 month pass. Today he said listen tomorrow because anyone who won this week is in the draw for 2 - 4 month memberships.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I have contained myself for 2 days from asking why he was looking at the real estate listing on my computer the other day for the rental OW lives in. It is a constant struggle not to mention it. Part of me thinks he did it to cause a fight, he knows I check the history, it was the day he was supposed to move home and started a fight about the juice box. Then I would have got the "things never change, snooping again".

I think you're a pretty smart lady, Neecy.

[Snow White]

Nothing all that new to report, just feeling alone and I am a social person.

H did not call the entire day today or text. He did show up for D's gymnastics as he said he would. H asked if she asked about him coming, I told him no, and that was the truth. She really hasn't asked much about him at all since that tough night of all the questions a little over a week ago. He tried to make some small talk as we watched and I answered but didn't expand or ask any questions back. He forgot to pick up my tickets(I guess he didn;t think of me today at all).

After I got home he texted to ask if I was working tomorrow. I responded as I thought he was going to offer to take D to daycare. He works at 11 so she could stay in bed and he could take her for 10:30, going with me she has to be there by 7. But I guess that wasn't why he asked because all he did was after I said yes was say I thought you were off. He probably is planning on coming to shower here after I leave.