I think she's back

[nephartiti]

Hi Starshyne,

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time right now.

I know this is hard to do, but don't look at all these details. Don't over analyze. Turn to prayer and fasting. I know you are familiar with the concept.

When my H was away, I would fast, we would make progress, I would loosen up, and we would fall back. In the end, I was just tired of the yo-yo. I fasted. I prayed. When we were together, we feasted. If he was away, I was fasting. For two weeks, I only ate when my H was with me.

Prayer strenthens your faith. Fasting strengthens your prayer.

Walk in victory. Walk in peace. Walk in faith.

I will continue to hold you in prayer.

Dear God, I lift Sara up to you and ask that you bless her with strength, discernment, and peace. We ask that truth be revealed always; that no matter how hard her H tries to hide or deceive, the truth will always come forth. I pray that you will strengthen Sara that she will not stumble or falter as she faces truth; that she will feel your presence and your peace. Please guide her as she makes decisions concerning her future. Do not let the weapons of the enemy touch her. Your will be done. In Jesus name we pray. Amen

[Starshyne]

Thank you so much for the prayer nephariti and really appreciate it. I do believe that the Lord is revealing the truth and that my H can't hide things forever. It just gets to me that this man is a Christian. He was my spiritual leader and a good one at that. On Sunday (the day we spent together) he told me that he could feel the Spirit of God for the 1st time in awhile.

Day 2 of the new "plan" went well. H texted me when he got off work and told me where he was going. I reminded him of the plans I had with my mom. He left me a note at home saying that he was working out and what time he expected to be home. And sure enough he was home in that time frame (dripping with sweat, so obviously had worked out...yuck). He said that he needed to go to Wal-mart to return the mp3 player he bought because it wasn't complatible with his lap top. I was thinking "here we go again...." but he said, "do you want to come?" So I went along with him and he thanked me for keeping him company.

Sometimes I feel like people on here and in my life outside of here are telling me that it is time to give up. Maybe I am stubborn, but I am not ready for that. If I gave up now, I wouldn't feel like I had done all that I could to save this marriage. I still think it can be saved. Maybe I am naive about that at this point, but I don't care. I am going to keep working on saving things until I feel like I have exhausted all options.

[klm]

Sara, I think those are great baby steps.

I don't think people here are telling you to give up. They are telling you to be cautious and take care of yourself. People in your life outside of here care about you and don't want to see you hurt. Only you will know when you are done. I would say be cautious about what you tell friends and family. You can forgive your H for things that they won't be able to.

I started reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass this weekend. It is really helping me to work through my feelings of H's affair and understand how it could have happened. It also tells you what steps you and your H should take to earn back trust. You may want to think about buying it or seeing if the library has it.

I really think you are doing great and I think you sound like a much stronger person than you were even just a month ago.

[Snow White]

A friend at work recently lost her father and immediatley following had to have a hysterectomy because she had tumors, having them happen both together really sent her for a loop and she has been going to grief counselling. She brought me in a package because she said a lot of people there are grieving living relationships, either divorce, separation or just the loss of what that person was to you even if they are still there. Anyways what I wanted to share with you was a poem that was in it because I keep thinking about it as people give strong worded "advice" mostly in my home life.

I will not tell you

I will not tell you how to feel
I will not tell you how you feel
You already know.

And, I will not tell you "I know how you feel"
Because I don't
And neither does anyone else.

At best, I remember how I felt
when my loses occurred

[JeffSTL]

Hey Sara, its Jeff from St Louis. I seen your comments you left at MY POST

Thanks for your comments, I don't feel very amazing Its unbelievable how painful this is, I know you have felt it
and I'm sorry, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

I believe in God, and I pray everyday that he has a plan I keep comming back to this reading

1 Corinthians 13 (New Living Translation) 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

I believe in what this says, except to a point. I'm in limbo W doesn't say she wants to work things out and W doesn't talk about leaving. I just want direction in my life. I'm willing to work things out and if W leaves, I'm willing to let her figure out if that is what she wants. But at some point I'm going to give up, I'm going to lose faith, how can you continue to love someone who doesn't love you.

Its been extremely hard on me, I'm usually a can do person, I know what I want, I don't have problems making decisions, and I'm living in a world of uncertainty that I cannot control

At least I'll know that I did everything I could and followed Gods will, forgivness, and love

Improve, Protect, Love

M45
W41
D9, D6, D6, S5
M 10 years
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08

[Starshyne]

Things are still going alright. I continue to question in my mind if H has really ended it with whatever other women he is involved with. His actions seem to be inline with what he told me he would do. However, I do still question things like why did he leave for work an hour early this morning? (He told me that he had to work early for a client...even said the person's name and it is the woman he works for on Wednesdays). I am trying my best not to obsess about that stuff, but it is difficult.

Yesterday he left me a message about where he was and was home within a half hour of when I expected him. When he got home, I was making dinner and he came around and put his arms around my waiste and said "What's cookin'?" Then before he moved he slid his hand down and squeezed my tush. That totally made my day! This morning he gave me a little kiss on the cheek and said goodbye and that he would see me later that night.

It looks like he is really making an effort. I am scared that he is faking it. I know that someone gave him the (awful) adivce that he should fake that he is happy with me until he has enough money to move out and divorce me and then just drop a bomb on me. He told me at the time that he thought that was just too mean and he wouldn't do that. But he is someone who lies, so I am a little worried.

Well it is my lunch 1/2 hour, so I am going to go eat.

sara

[karen43]

It looks like he is really making an effort. I am scared that he is faking it. I know that someone gave him the (awful) adivce that he should fake that he is happy with me until he has enough money to move out and divorce me and then just drop a bomb on me. He told me at the time that he thought that was just too mean and he wouldn't do that. But he is someone who lies, so I am a little worried.

sara

Sara, it sounds like your H really is making an effort. I think you should act as if he is faithful until you find out otherwise. And if he is unfaithful, I think you will find out pretty quickly!

I would try not to worry about his friend's awful advice. I don't think he would have told you that if he was planning to do it! And the funny thing is, worst case scenario, if he actually started acting happy in your relationship and you do as well, I think you both will become happier in your relationship and I bet he probably wouldn't want to leave anyway. I'm usually pretty optimistic looking at stuff lately, so sorry if that's annoying!

Hope you had a good lunch! Karen

[water2moon]

Oh my Sara..these are the same exact thoughts I have!! The OW told me that when H ended it again the last time and told her to stop calling that he said " I can't be with you right now, perhaps in the future my marriage will fall apart but if it does it can't be because of a third party, so no more calls and maybe in the future we'll be together but for now live your life and don't wait for me"..This made me feel great, just great. So when he does hug me I kind of wonder if he's doing it just to make me feel we have a chance..who knows..but after her last stunt and what she attempted to do to my kids if he took her back than he does not deserve to have children.

[MichelleLT]

Hey Sara, focus on the positives. He is making an effort, and none of us know what's going through his head (hell, he might not! ).

Karen made a great point that if he enjoys being around you, whether he fakes it at first or not, he will enjoy spending time with you.

You are strong enough to survive anything, so no point in worrying about things you can't control.

[Starshyne]

uhhhh...this is SO hard! H still isn't home and it is almost 9pm. The last I heard from him was at 3pm. Said he had to work late until 5pm and then was going to work out. His work was going to be a half hour drive and he works out for about 2 hours total. I checked his debit card online and saw that he took $120 out of the ATM today. I believe he might be meeting OW #2 for dinner again. I don't know...why am I driving myself crazy with all of this bs??

I know I need to quit the snooping and the detective work trying to figure out what is going on. It is just making me obsessive and I don't enjoy that. When H comes home I will not question where he was. I will act as if he were at work and then working out. I am sure that he will give me some silly excuse as to where he was and why he is late. I will smile and pretend that it didn't bother me.

I went to church tonight and then made myself dinner. Then I worked some on one of my webpages. So I am doing thing for myself. And I swear I am trying not to dwell on my H so much, but it is so hard not to! So instead of calling him right now and saying "Where the heck are you??" I am venting it out here.