Help, it seems my 35 year old wife is in MLC #12

[missmyfriend]

I really don't know what to say that could offer you any more insight into what is going on. She apparently feels like she must tell you these things and is looking for acceptance by both your D5 and you as well. She wants support for her decisions. To ask a 5 year old to understand demonstrates how emotionally immature she has become.

Is your W a lesbian? Probably not. She may be trying to find her identity and it is possible this is a way a woman can regress to the comfortable years before "boys" where in mind. When they are children, their closest friends are their mom and the other little girls. When they are little, they can play house, do dress up, act like mommy or be anyone they choose. As they get older, they start to notice boys and socialization starts the process toward matrimony.

This is why I am so concerned with how children are exposed to this when they are little. They are forming ideas what is normal and what is not. The good thing is your children have you for stability. Since I am going through something so eerily similar as you, with the exception that my children are 15, 13 & 11, I still believe the importance of their mother in their lives, tempered with a constant monitoring of what they are exposed to and hopefully being a moral influence on our Ws in how they interact with our children. We cannot control our Ws but somehow we need to teach our children to know right from wrong, while loving the person and not their actions. It is a tough role to play and many people believe that if you don't accept their actions or choices, we do not accept or love them. This is completely false logic.

Your conversations with your W would imply you are very important to her. Your impression of her is very important. I believe she is crying inside and very confused. If she is a "lesbian", it is more than likely only a temporary situation depending on whether she allows herself to grow or if she decides to stay "stuck" where she is. This isn't the answer for her. Your challenge, which you have handled expertly so far, is to love her where she is at.

Your W being intimate with a woman of the same gender, may be a way for her to feel the intimacy that she cannot get from you...for now. I would venture to guess, your W setting up house with Sue, is similar to what I mentioned earlier that she is like a little girl setting up house with another little girl.

Coupled with the fact that she may see a reflection or a desire to have the mother-daughter relationship with Sue. I have read several articles including an interview with Melissa Etheridge that many lesbians are seeking a relationship with a person of the same gender to replace what was lost or never had in the first place with a mother figure. Melissa Etheridge's mother was an alcoholic that showed very little love toward her daughter. My W had the same exact type of mother. The OP she has associated with has the same mannerisms and alcholic tendencies as her mother.

I am not saying all lesbians are like the above as I am repeating from articles I have read and from what Melissa Etheridge commented on as well.

Imageer, I would never focus on your W being a lesbian. I would consider her a woman and a mother and your wife, no matter what her current sexual predilection may be. She can call herself a lesbian but why would she choose to? What is the purpose? What is someone saying about themselves when they say that? I can think of young adults when they identify themselves as Goth, Punk, Emo, straight, gay, bi, lesbian, etc. People who are comfortable with themselves do not try so desperately to re-invent themselves and convince others to accept them this way.

Many people try to find an identity that is off the wall in order to stand out because they feel unimportant so they choose a group where they feel that they can not only stand out but be accepted.

The last thing I want to say is that you are doing very well at being the rock in your family. Your strength will be appreciated, eventually. Do not give up. Your children and your W need you to be that rock. You cannot deny the emotions you are feeling when you hear what your wife says or what she does. It hurts but know that it is only a point in time and this will move on to better times. Your stability is something that is going to be very attractive to your wife as she learns that her new life is not working out and giving her what she wants.