Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[daybyday]

just checking in man. was trying to follow your last thread and bam it was locked. i lost contact for a couple days. sorry i wasnt there for support. i'm glad you made it through your hell night. i agree i wouldnt tell w about lawyer but i would still go. like sandi said, this is not your wife. keep telling yourself that. that is the only way to detach. i'm the pot calling the kettle black i know, i am still struggling with my sitch, but remember backsliding always wipes out good progress. shame we have to find out hard way. now gal. i will join you and maybe in a year we can both talk at length of how we beat the odds and are in happier than ever marriages. lets shoot for that. let god help. take care

[CBK]

Puppy and DBD

Thanks for chiming in.

I have decided to go see the L and do as Puppy suggests - I am just need to protect myself and see what legal issues I should watch out for. I will not tell W unless she asks.

I am going to suggest that we back away from MC for the time being. I agree with everybody, that this is not good for me at this time. I will see how I should approach with IC today and my DB coach tomorrow. My DB coach said the same thing about MC, this is for people that want to work on their relationship. If W wants to continue, I will go from there.

I don't know what snooping would get me anymore. As you all know, I hit rock bottom the other day - every time I think I can't get down any further, I find a way and snooping is what gets me there. I need to look for the baby steps that may come down the road in a few months, not days.

I am hopeful my new attitude will stay strong. I know I will fall off track every now and then, but I know I can get back on the horse.

Phsically, I still see the most beautiful person in my wife and brings up so many great memories - I know that when I talk to her though, there is no love for me in her voice and that has been hard to accept, but I also know this is not the same woman I married. We have a lot of work to do.

DBD - I am hopeful that we can talk about our successes in a year or so - there is nothing I would enjoy more! Can't say I have been to Missouri, but there is always a first.

Peace,

CBK

[CBK]

Just some journaling before I go to IC and L today.

I am finding detachment very hard. Have been thinking about W all day, but in a different way than in the past, which I think is a good thing. She is so distant and doing really bizarre stuff. As I was getting my stuff ready for L, I was going through financial papers and noticed W took out some of invetment papers - it is money left from her dad in her name, probably hers anyway, but at one point very early on, she said "Trust me, I will not screw you with the finances..." I am beginning to wonder. The good news, I guess, is that we have all of our investments with one broker and if needed, I can always get court papers for transactions. Makes me a bit nervous, but as you all keep telling me, this is NOT the same woman and she is in a total fog. I hope the fog will lift.

My head is getting wrapped around the time and patience issue - just wish my stomach would stop turning knots - but I guess those are my ab crunches. I know today will be stressful for me with IC and L - so may go to my golf lesson or just hit a bucket of little white balls.

I keep losing weight, down another pound - so that means 38 lbs - but feel pretty good considering the mental state. I have friends that call me for lunch because they see the hollowness in my face and my pants barely hanging with a belt! Need to get everything tailored once I level off!

Wish me luck tonight and then GAL tonight. May also hit the gym after golf balls - W has her IC today as well. Will then enjoy dinner with kids later...

[daybyday]

good luck buddy. just focus on enjoying kids for a while. stay in touch

[addie]

CBK,
I'm sorry you had a couple of really rough days. Unfortunately, that is part of the rollercoaster most of us are on. I'm glad you seem to be doing better.
Have you seen a doctor about your weight loss? Although most of us end up losing weight, you've lost A LOT in such a short period of time.
I agree with what others have said. There's no harm in getting a consultation with a lawyer but don't start proceedings and don't tell W about it unless she files first. As far as MC, it may be better that you postpone it until OP is out of the picture and W is willing to try working on the M. You haven't had any success with it so at this point it seems pointless.
IC is important - good luck with that today. I hope you can get out and do some things for yourself.

[CBK]

Addie - so good to have you back. I think I closed an entire string when you were out for only 2 days! :-)

I am going to make an appointment with my doc for a physical just to be sure everything is going okay. I have moderatly high cholosteral (spell), but that should go way down with all of this. I appreciate the concern.

I actually feel good going to the L - it is for protecting myself, and that is just the smart thing to do. I am sure Puppy is going "finally, he listened to me" :-) I have a great support group on this network, I would not have gotten through the other night without it.

I am so glad kids are home, this makes it easier for me in many ways. I know I cannot be in pissy mood or crying around them, I am always upbeat and willing to do anything with them. They can sense my pain and they ask me to do lots of stuff with them. S19 just asked if I wanted to go shopping for movies with him, will go tonight rather than hit the gym.

Today is better than yesterday, so that is good. I am thankful for many things right now. I also had to tell my mom to quit calling me - I felt bad and she means well, but I would just start feeling bad when I talked to her. So will try to keep to once or twice a week. She will IM later today, I think she knows my schedule better than I do! :-) Gotta love moms (you being one of them) - they hate to see their kids get hurt.

You take care of yourself too Addie.

Peace,

CBK

[CBK]

Interesting - I had to text W to get some info on her car and let her know about S19 insurance. She texted back a nice text back - means nothing, except that this is the first text she has returned in a long time. I think she is a little upset that I am working out of the house so much and getting to spend all this time with the kids. That is okay, before the B went off, I had just adjusted my travel schedule to travel less and work from home more... made Spring Break VERY stressful as we were both home after the B went off. And you guys all know how my emotional roller coaster has been going. :-)

[rop]

CBK, hang on. I think the roller coaster is going to subdue when we are going to be happy or sad independently by the fact that our W is nice or not with us. For me is impossible right now, but that is my target. This is the kind of detachment I need.
Anyway I think is good to reinforce the good behavior, so if she is nice with you I think is good to show you are appreciating that... right now I am not even able to do that, but I think, from your posts, that you have the stamina to keep cool.
BTW, I am still up for a beer.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CBK,

Ask your attorney about protecting your finances. I think there are some basic precautionary moves you could, and should, make at this time.

Puppy

[sgctxok]

and shop for new pants