For the guys with kids and a WAW

[CBK]

Good luck H4H - we both have a lot to work out. We are both angry and can't figure out why this is happening to us. Even though I hated saying this to my W - but God gives the tough assignments to those that can handle it.

I went dark for a few hours last night before I called anybody or answered anything on this board. You have brothers and sisters in arms on this board - use us - I know I do.

[whatdidido]

H4h,

I feel awful for you. She will regret this decision if she follows through with it. I said a lot of the things she said to my H at one time or another. Remember, it took about 3 years from the start until now. It wouldn't have been this long if H had made changes earlier. It did take me a while to realize how stupid I was and the realization of the divorce stopped me. Is she ok with having the kids part time? I wish I could talk to her.....but, yet....she sounds like she just isnt "here" yet......I wouldn't give up if I were you. There is still hope. Pray, pray, pray.

[hopeful4her]

WDID
Thank you. It's been about a year and a half since she started to see the other side of the fence. This guy was met about a year ago, already. All online. I have found emails from the past that have her talking to other guys. Some about meeting. Some are about them having to take a cold shower after they talked. All around the same time. She wanted out at that time. I begged and pleaded. After about 2 months of pure hell, she told me she wanted to work on things. Maybe give it a year. About six months later is when they met. She didn't give me the year. About 3 months later it turned into the EA. This is the time line as best I can tell.

Another thing that I told her was that I was not going to give up on her. Ever. That was when she told me that I would hurt.

The funny thing is that she sees the changes that I have made in myself. She has told me.

She is not ok with having the kids part time. Our S conversations always end up with me telling to please leave. Do us both a favor. She always responds with Im not leaving with out the kids. She is not thinking about them, like you did.

Another thing she said was that there was a lot to see in life. I said that there is a lot to see in life, but then she tells me that she wants to do it with OM. This happens to thousands of people everday. I say it doesn't have to happen to us.

On the way home, didn't break down like I thought I would. Just really hurting. I told myself that I knew she was still in contact with him. What is the difference in my actually seeing it. I called a very good friend that knows my sitch and ask him if I could have a room for a couple of days if needed.

At home, WW is in living room with S14 getting ready to watch a movie. I walk in and go straight to bedroom where D11 and D6 are watching our TV. I lay in the middle of them and D6 tells me she had a stomache ache earlier and that she needed me to do our stomache rub that I give her when she has tummy aches. Always better afterwards. I give the tummy rub,tell my daughters that I love them some much and we give kisses. After a while we get up and I change and go to kitchen to get something to drink. Passing by living room, WW tells me there is soup on the stove. I ignore her and get my drink. Get girls to take baths and to bed. I sit at dining room table and start to read paper. WW is in kitchen cleaning up and asks me if I wanted some soup. I say no thank you and continue reading. I hear a sarcastic ok under her breathe. I saw her eyes a little red and slightly wet. After she leaves the kitchen, I decide to make myself some cheese dip and chips to watch my Spurs. I decide to be quiet but not going to look sad.

Later, as she is working on putting away clothes, S14 comes out of room and says there is some kind of spirit in his room. I tell him that because he has been questioning his Christianity, the Devil is playing with him. WW asks what is going on and they go into his room. After about a half hour, I see that she is going to sleep with him in his room. Lights out. I come into bedroom to finish game and come here.

Gonna keep on doing what I plan on doing. I do need to set the appointment with the attorney, but not to get the ball rolling. Just to get the info I need. I will fight for custody of my girls.

As much as I feel I want to right now, I will not initiate the divorce. I will not expose her. Yet. I will cross that bridge when I get there.

Why did God lead me to go to nephews work today? I could have gone to Starbucks. I almost did. That question is starting to haunt me. Why? For her? For me? What is He trying to tell me or her?

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey H4H,

I'm sorry you're in the spot you're in. Listen I want to share with you my own experience. For what it's worth. Maybe it will provide some perspective for you.

I was in a similar boat, I think. 4 kids. My wife had an affair with my best friend, then I found out, we moved away. She resented the fact that I "had one" on her. She couldn't forgive herself, couldn't live with me after. I tried to convince her that we could forgive each other, rebuild, reconcile, find happiness again together. She was doubtful, moved out of the bedroom. I didn't want a divorce, was reluctant to see an attorney.

My bad. She had been preparing much more than I had. She found a bulldog attorney, joined a support group for battered women, convinced the judge I had physically abused her. Now I am on the defensive. I never imagined she would do something like this.

Everyone that knows my wife from the old days think she is off her rocker. But the judge didn't think that. I'm not saying your wife would do this. I am saying, I did not expect it. So.... See an attorney. But more - begin documenting, right now, the stuff that goes on, including especially how you care for your children. Take photos, and date them, of you interacting with your kids. Write them letters, and maybe make copies. Write them letters that recall special times you had with them. Save everything they give you - drawings, any artwork at all. Keep a journal of the time you spend with them, the conversations you have with them. Keep a paper trail. It sounds ridiculous, but had I done this, I would not be fighting now, to get time with my kids. Not custody, you understand. Custody is out of the question. Right now I am fighting for mere visitation!

So go visit the kids' teachers. Explain what is happening. Document your meetings with them. Document your involvement with your kids, right now. Show them off to the neighbors. Ask for flex-time at work, take the kids on special days or trips.

That my wife would take my kids from me and allege sexual abuse, was beyond the realm of imagination one year ago. But that is where I am now. I don't want to scare you. A little caution and defensive thinking now will be sure to avoid this kind of thing later. If only I had known ...

Please do be mindful, careful, thoughtful, patient.

My best to you.

[Doing_My_Best]

I do need to set the appointment with the attorney, but not to get the ball rolling. Just to get the info I need. I will fight for custody of my girls.

Nothing wrong with protecting yourself and your kids H4H. See an attorney, get your proof (yes, that means snooping), and get ready ....JUST IN CASE. You will not be happy with yourself later if she ends up with the kids, assets and OM... because you didn't protect yourself now.

Sorry to jump in here so late, but you said this in an earlier post concerning exposure:

would be for me to give WW the 2x4 as a last resort.

Is there anyone else you can expose this to?

[hopeful4her]

Can't really say. I have told MIL about OM, but have not seen anything come of it. She knew there was a friend, but didn't know the extent. Not sure if exposure to my parents would do anything, as WW has spoken to my mother and told her how she wants out of the M. They are confused as to why. They are telling me to let her go. It wouldn't really serve a purpose to expose to them, IMO. Maybe our Pastor, but not sure. I have told a select group of close friends that she had already pushed away prior to me exposing to them.

[hopeful4her]

Just got off the phone with L. She seems very compassionate. She listened to my sitch. She is there to make money, but referred me to a Christian based family counselor. We talked for a while and she was amazed at the amount of top ten stressors we have that would cause a divorce. She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I did not want a divorce. She stated it is her job to initiate divorce proceedings. We talked about Texas being a no fault divorce state and does not recognize legal seperation.

I asked what if WW moves out with kids and I want to keep them. She said that is when I would have to start divorce proceedings. I told her I was prepared to do that if it came to that.

Going to try to set an appointment with couselor for family, even if WW does not want to.

[JeffSTL]

You have to make your own decisions, I'm not a big fan of exposing A, because I believe it would upset W and drive her to OM (why not the cats out of the bag). I don't think exposure does anything to heal the situation, I think it just drives a wedge between you both and its not part of your game, did we change our game plan ???

hopeful4her: As I said in my thread, I am going to kill this woman with kindness and love.

Regarding protecting yourself, my W phone records would show a pattern (could have court pull records) and I'm always making home movies and taking pictures, and guess what, W is usually never there and thus not in the pictures. I've saved all of her e-mails prior to my DBing. Her emails responding back to me regarding the A. just some ideas without resorting to snooping

I'm not a big fan of snooping either, it hurts, they are going to do what they want, all we can do is our best to love them and hopefully they come back.

Corinthians 13 (New Living Translation) 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

At least I'll know that I did everything I could and followed Gods will, forgivness, and love

Improve, Protect, Love

M45
W41
D9, D6, D6, S5
2 Dogs, 1 Cat
M 10 years
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 and still going ???

[CBK]

H4H - you know my feelings on exposing the A - I have decided to not tell anybody, like Jeff said, drives a bigger wedge. You will see on my strings that this was a huge delima for me - but in the end, I am opting to tell no one except two close friends whom W doesn't know and our counselors.

I can't control my W's actions, if she chooses to see OM, then there will be no "us" and I will continue to DB until the end. Possibly, if there is a D, even after that - but that is where I am mentally right now.

I am seeing my L today - like you, not to start the process, but to see what my legal issues might be.

CBK

[hopeful4her]

Thanks, CBK.

No plans to expose. I do feel the same way. It may help others depending on thier particular sitch. I already have the support of my kids anyways.

I will continue to "kill her" and stick to my plan. I think that you, Jeff, rop and I are pretty much doing the same. I will always believe that there is hope for our WW's. That is pretty much what I stated to mine. I will never give up on her.