Drowning still - 23 years, feel like I am sinking

[CBK]

Sandi - good to hear from you.

Yes, I went downhill very quickly, to my own doing. I hit rock bottom and started to try and dig deeper. Much better today.

Please don't feel bad about what you said, I understood completely the message. I do a pretty good job filtering, just not a good job listening!

You see, you cannot believe her. This is not your wife. She is a stranger that you do not know or understand. You will never figure her out and you can't fix her or the R. That are the cold hard facts and that is why I told you that you have got to stop this asking "where and what happen to my wife.....why is she doing this?" She is gone!

I am slowly starting to realize this. She is in an entirely different world right now - very cold and hurtful toward me - I think that has been the most difficult thing. I did turn a corner yesterday. This morning she said she was going downstairs and getting breakfast then going to work. I said in a cheery mood - Have a great day. I am trying to act "as if". However, the voice she used was very sullen and strained. I didn't let that affect my response. I hope to see that beautiful personality again some day - that is what drew us together. I see a glimpse every once-in-awhile.

Don't give her the house. Whatever you do, don't leave the house. Try your best to not throw her out on her behind. If she does leave......don't give her once red cent to support her! I mean it.

I don't plan on putting her out on her behind. I need to remember that, even though very painful, having her here in the house is an okay thing. Once I get more detached, it will be easier. If she does move out, do we go with serapate accounts? I guess that makes sense. I don't want to support her WAWing from this marriage, and if she chooses to do so, she will have to do on her own.


I hope there is not a next time I get in such bad shape. I was able to pull myself together and get home, even though W was here, I didn't talk to her and went upstairs and read in my room - well, that is what she thought... Once I settle down, I can usually do okay. My kids are my strength, so coming home was important to me for some healing. But I will not rule out getting a room. I actually have a buddy that has said just knock on his door, no questions asked. I may take him up on that.

have you just really told her the pain that you are in or has she only seen the ugly side of you?

On Sunday, I did tell her the pain I was in, very heartfelt, even though I was crying when I said it, I was able to compose my voice and really tell her about my pain. I said that nobody really knows this pain until it happens. I also acknowledged her pain, that how hard it must have been for her as she watched our R crumble and didn't know what to do. She said she used to cry for me at one time, but the love was slipping away from her. I am sure she heard what I said, but I know she twisted it (darn snooping). But like you said, this isn't my W anymore.

If it does come to D, I will write all my feelings out. I owe that to myself. I hope it doesn't come to that, but that is a reality. I say a year - just so I have something to shoot for. I may make it, I may not. Right now, I would give her 5 years, but know that isn't realistic. I need to get on with my life now and hopefully we will reconnect someday.

As for MC - I am going to ask that maybe we either stop going or just go once a month. MC is not helping me what so ever. It sets me back if that is possible. I am just going to say that although I am glad we are in counseling together, I need to work on myself with my IC, if W thinks this are important for her, I would reconsider - something like that. Also, I will probably go to the BBQ, it is a neighborhood thing and not just couples. I may not hang out as long as W, but I am actually okay with this. Now that isn't for a few days, so may change my mind.

The weight thing is bothering me a lot. I ate last night, having the kids home help as we sit down as a family for dinner, yes, W included. I need to level off as I need to take my pants and suits to the tailor!

Work is suffering a bit, but I am lucky that I have a great assistant that is taking care of me. We are restructuring and my job is changing dramatically, which is even more stressful, plus a job offer on the table and my current job wants me to take on a VP role in Chicago. So talk about stress!

I am doing okay, would be lying if I said great.

I will keep you all posted as I go through this. Feel free to call me anything you would like, not a problem. I am a hugger and miss my W's hugs.

Peace,

CBK