I am new here and this is my first post. It is going to be long!
Well, we were married for 17yrs, we have 3 boys, S13, S15 and S16. About 8 months ago, STBXW became distant and argumentative. Before that we hardly ever argues, did everything together, had a great sex life, went out at least once a week for meals etc, went abroad as a family at least once a year. We had just bought a lovely big house which we renovated to our tastes. After a minor argument about one of our sons’ behaviour at school, she said ‘that’s it, I don’t want the relationship anymore!’. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. During the days, weeks that followed, she started saying things like ‘It’s not you, it’s me’, ‘I love you but not in love with you’, ‘you are a nice man, I don’t deserve you?’, ‘What is happening to us?’. On 5 occasions, she approached me for sex, which I obliged. I noticed during this period that she became hyper sexual. I mean we used to have sex 4 to 5 times a week on average, but it became something she thought about all day, she said. Within 2 to 3 days of her asking to have sex with me, she would say ‘sex, confuses things! Should we stop? I feel disloyal’. Each time I said to her that it was she who initiated it. So we would stop, then within a week or so she would say ‘I am still attracted to you, could we have sex?’. At one point I became exasperated with this yoyo behaviour and asked her if she wanted a divorce and the house sold. She said yes, but it would make her feel guilty to initiate it. So I made an appointment with the solicitors. This was before Christmas. Shortly before Christmas Day, she was out, came back crying and asked me to stop the divorce and house sale. ‘Let’s try again she said’. So I cancelled the appointment with the solicitors and asked the Estate Agents to remove the house from the market. Within 5 days, she went back again to wanting a divorce and the house sold.
At this point I started snooping. In addition to her full-time employment, she does voluntary work. She visits detainees who are due to be deported back to their countries of origin due to criminal offences. I found out that she was visiting an Iranian guy, 10 years younger, with a history of heroine addiction and a criminal record. He also had a child and a girlfriend. She was having an emotional affair with him and felt strong attachment to him. She got him lawyers and helped him come out on bail. At this point, I confronted her, but she said I was crazy and that he was just a friend and that she was doing it out of compassion. She said she may or may not ever see him again. I kept snooping and found out that she went to visit him on her birthday. I then asked her the following day had she been to see him. She said the same thing about me being crazy and jealous and swore that she hadn’t. However, when I said to her that I knew what she had for lunch with him, she broke down and cried endlessly, but still maintained that there was nothing going on.
Before this we still shared the same house for about six months. I explained to her that I couldn’t stay in the same house with her while she was disrespecting me. She had access to one of her father’s empty houses, so she moved out 6 weeks ago. The boys see both of us 50/50. Four days ago, one of my sons went to her house at 7am. She was not in, so he called her and she told him she had spent the night at the OM’s house. I spoke to her about it and she said that she had now developed a relationship with him and that she loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. However, she denied that he was the cause of the break-up.
The boys were very upset about this and told her that if he ever comes to her house, they would leave. She is not perturbed by that. At the moment, he is the centre of her universe and there is nobody that can stop her. He is from Iran and in order for him to stay in the country, he would need to marry a British citizen…and that where she comes in!
Now as I said, I applied for divorce and I should receive the decree Nisi any day now. After this, I will have to sign after 6 weeks have passed if I still want to go ahead with the divorce and return to the court to get the decree absolute. I am tempted to just sign it and let her get on with it, but when I think about the impact of her marrying someone who will undoubtedly use her to stay in the country, particularly on my boys, I think maybe I shouldn’t sign?
I do not wish to go back with her due to the betrayal and loss of trust and I also have met a nice woman over the past 3 months. We are taking things slow, but get on really well.
I am meeting STBXW this evening for a drink. We agreed to stay friends, go out for a meal once a month as friends and go out with the boys as a family once a fortnight. I am trying to leave the hurt and resentment behind and reconnect with her as we once were very close.
So my question is: Should I just finalise the divorce, stay friends for the sake of the boys and let her live her life with OM?
Should I delay the divorce and hopefully the guy will get deported back to Iran? (although, STBXW is a stubborn and determined woman…NOBODY in the whole wide world could EVER get her to change her mind about things!
And everyone says that "snooping" serves no purpose . . . thank God you did, MoMo.
If it were me, I wouldn't sign immediately. Have you flat out ASKED her if she is willing to leave him and come back and work on your marriage? She certainly sounds hell-bent on divorce, but there's nothing that says you have to make it easy on her.
What will your legal obligations be if it ends this way?
Hi Pups - thanks for the reply. It was necessary to find out what was going on and I was baffled as I could not find any explanation to her yoyo behaviour. At one point I seriously thought that she had developed some form of impairement or MLC. I do not want to get back with her, but I do care about her and I do not want her to be taken advantage of by OM. Whatever happens to her will impact on our children. We are both professionals in the same field, I earn slightly more, but she is from a wealthy family and is not interested in money / pension from me. Proceeds from the house will be split 50/50. the children will spend equal number of days per week with each one of us. Finance and assets are not a contentious issue here. No maintenance to be paid by either of us.
"Snooping" -- what I prefer to call "intel" -- is sometimes a sad necessity. If any of us suspected our teenager had a drug problem, we wouldn't for a second hesitate to search their bedroom when they weren't home, to find out what we're dealing with and to proceed accordingly.
No, constant snooping once you already know what's going on, just for the drama and the titillation of it all, is not a good idea. But as the second half of Ronald Reagan's famous line about the Soviets -- "Trust, but verify" -- I believe it has an important tactical place in your arsenal when fighting to save a marriage dealing with an active affair.
I tell people to only gather as much as is needed, and that they can handle, emotionally. If they can stay detached, and use the information to help break up the affair and to better protect themselves and their family, it can have a strong benefit. If it makes them "go wobbly" and divert from their DB plan, then I discourage it.
Don't sign the divorce decree. This guy is using her. He will ruin your family and ruin her personally. Live separately if you need to, but don't legally divorce her. If the Iranian guy is in it for love, and not citizenship, that won't matter. If he needs citizenship, he will have to move on.
I agree with Sara!!! And I also think it does sound like your wife might be in MLC (as my H is). I think the second stage is anger and the 3rd stage, Replay, is when they often have affairs. It sounds to me like your W is going through the MLC stages. You may want to check out the MLC thread here, they have info about all 6 stages (sounds like your W is in stage 3 to me). Karen
Went out for a meal last night. Not a good idea. I tried to keep the conversation light, eg talk about work and the kids. She brought up the subject of OM. Again she wanted me to know that he was not the reason for the break-up, that she had only decided to start a relationship with him over the past 2 weeks. I remarked 'how strange? You have only started the relationship with him over the past two weeks, yet you said you loved him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him!'. She replied ' you are right, maybe I don't love him that much'. The conversation deteriorated when I asked her to keep her wits about her, that he may be using her to stay in the country. This set her off. I said to her that given his heroine addiction and his criminal conviction I felt that my children would be at risk if she were to bring him to the house when they are there and that I would consider applying to the court for an injunction agaist him being anywhere near them. She stormed out of the restaurant. I stayed for the dessert...it was delicious! She later rang me and said that if I don't bring my lady friend to the house when the children are there, she will not expose them to the OM. I said that my children are my priority and that during the time they are with me they will receive my undivided attention. God I feel so stressed. I wish I never went to dinner with her. I will make sure I don't do it again. She had also suggested spending time as a family once a fortnight, but I don't think that it is a good idea either. I better keep total NC with her.
One more thing. I am beginning to consider not finalising the divorce. When I get the decree Nisi, I will have six weeks to decide whether to go ahead and apply for the decree absolute. This will mean that she won't be able to marry him so that he can stay in the country. He will then get deported as he is currently on bail pending deportation, but it may take a year or two. She will have to divorce me if she wants, but she might not as she is catholic (ironic I know!). However, given her present frame of mind, anything is possible! If she does file for divorce, I could then contest it on the grounds of her intention to marry OM who is likely to have negative influence on my children. The process could take another 4 or 5 yrs, by which time my youngest son will be 18, then she can do whatever she pleases. I am really not sure which course of action to take. Any advice please?
If she's smart, she'll want to stay married just to see what OM is about. Surely she doesn't want to be used by him. She can give herself freely to him, but sadly because of her awful husband, she cannot marry him. I know if I had a lover, I would want to test my lover's intent.
You should expect to have arguments with her if you discuss these things. What about that was surprising?
One more thing. I am beginning to consider not finalising the divorce. When I get the decree Nisi, I will have six weeks to decide whether to go ahead and apply for the decree absolute. This will mean that she won't be able to marry him so that he can stay in the country. He will then get deported as he is currently on bail pending deportation, but it may take a year or two. She will have to divorce me if she wants, but she might not as she is catholic (ironic I know!). However, given her present frame of mind, anything is possible! If she does file for divorce, I could then contest it on the grounds of her intention to marry OM who is likely to have negative influence on my children. The process could take another 4 or 5 yrs, by which time my youngest son will be 18, then she can do whatever she pleases. I am really not sure which course of action to take. Any advice please?
I would stall, delay, and stall some more. Legally.
Emotionally, and in every other way, I would protect myself. Talk to my attorney about trying to get a restraining order so OM can't come near my kids. Financially firewall myself so my wayward wife couldn't deplete my family's finances and assets. And emotionally, no more "dates". Time to detach and move on, and work on yourself and being the best dad you can possibly be. If she comes to her senses, you'll have some decisions to make about taking her back into your heart, but considering the circumstances I'd go straight to LRT.
